All My Children: Kendall's Hart To Heart

Thank You, Zac

Wednesday, April 30

OK, I get Aidan is the head of Cambias security and this whole Africa incident involves Cambias. I get he used to be special ops and can probably take an army on with his eyes closed. But it’s still damn dangerous there and Zach’s sending Aidan right into the middle of it.

I didn’t even have to do any of the talking. Greenlee really let it rip. She told Zach she’d be damned if she’d lose another person she loved. Her passion was so intense. She loves Aidan so much. If she ever found out about us…it would kill her.

It worked, though. Zach backed off. He’s not sending Aidan. Thank God.

WHAT???

Tuesday, April 29

Sudan? It’s a frickin’ war zone!?! Oh My God. What is Aidan doesn’t come back?

Maybe It Will Be OK

Monday, April 28

This morning was great. I woke up with Zach and I truly felt his forgiveness. I just feel fantastic.

When I got to work, though, and had to lie to Greenlee, I felt terrible. She wanted to know what was up with Zach and I told her that things were fine, we’ve moved on past the distance between us. But she doesn’t know what caused it. My God, what would she do if she found out I slept with her fiancé?

Side note: Never tape yourself on a stripper pole. It’s really embarrassing.

A good night's sleep

Friday, April 25, 2008

Watching the house burn down was a surreal experience. It felt so good, like I was truly putting the night with Aidan behind me. Behind us. Zach told me that one night was burning with it, and I wanted to believe him. It seemed almost too good to be true.

We went home and made love. I really mean that: We made love. I felt his forgiveness.

For the first time in I don't know how long, I didn't go to sleep worried.

Burning down the house.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

I couldn't deal with Zach's refusal to deal with our issues, so I had to get out of there. I can't really explain why I came to that house in the woods--that horrible place where I spent the night with Aidan. I just had to see it. And to destroy it. I was going to burn that house down and pray that my guilt went out with the embers.

Then Zach showed up. And he lit a match with me. We threw them onto the house. He promised me that our past--all the bad stuff with Aidan--was burning away with the house.

God I hope he's right.

We've got to get away

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

I had this great idea: Pack up and get away with Zach for a few days. Just the two of us—London, the Bahamas, anywhere. Just so we could get away, straighten things out and make things normal and better again. But he refused to go! What is wrong with him? I’m trying my best here to make things better. Does he not want that?

You're Erica Kane's Daughter!

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

I had this really bad dream last night—that I was in bed with Aidan. Am I going insane or something? It’s like this guilt is consuming me. Zach really is being wonderful. He’s assured me over and over he’s committed to me and we are in this together, but every time I look at him, it’s like this barrier. And I know I'm partly putting it up.

I went to visit Erica in prison. Leave it to my mom to make the most of the big house—and that gross orange jumpsuit (love the upturned collar, Erica). She tried to make me feel better about this whole Zach thing, telling me to take Zach’s word—his love—for me and go with that. And to never tell Greenlee. She was so sure, but I’m not. Of anything.

Get it together

Kendall

! It’s time to take action. You are Erica Kane’s daughter, after all. I’m going to call Zach. I’ve got an idea.

The silence is deafening

Monday, April 21, 2008

I thought it was all going to come out tonight. We were at Confusion for drinks—Greenlee, Aidan, Zach and I—and I wanted to jump out of my skin. Seeing how happy Greenlee was with Aidan, knowing what he and I did, knowing that Zach was sitting there, aware of everything and silent. It was almost too much.

I promised Aidan I’d never tell Greenlee. And I won’t. I’m not going to ruin things for her.

When Zach and I got home, it was weird. There was this silence. My fault just as much as his. But then he took me in his arms and we made love, and everything just seemed to disappear for awhile. Until it was over and I was lying there, drowning in my own thoughts. And my guilt.

Seriously, Greenlee?

Friday, April 18, 2008

Seriously, Greenlee? Could you have a worse idea? She wants to go out with Aidan and Zach—the two couples—for a celebratory dinner. The thought of it makes me want to jump off a bridge. But no, Greenlee insisted. And Zach went along with it.

We had a group of high school girls come in today, to ask about how we created Fusion. It was part of a mentoring program. Listening to Greenlee, looking at her, it hit me how lucky I am to have her. And how much I hurt her.

It's killing me

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Why won’t Zach talk? He’s got to have more to say. I beg him, but he just tells me he’ll never leave me. Dammit Zach, say something! Scream, yell, throw something!

I still don’t know what to do about Greenlee. Zach advised I not tell her—don’t even tell Aidan Zach knows. When I went into work today, Greenlee told me about the engagement. I don’t think I’ve seen her that happy since she found out she was pregnant.

If only Greenlee knew. I started crying, I felt so bad. I told her it was because I was so happy for her.