Friday, April 25, 2008
Watching the house burn down was a surreal experience. It felt so good, like I was truly putting the night with Aidan behind me. Behind us. Zach told me that one night was burning with it, and I wanted to believe him. It seemed almost too good to be true.
We went home and made love. I really mean that: We made love. I felt his forgiveness.
For the first time in I don't know how long, I didn't go to sleep worried.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
I couldn't deal with Zach's refusal to deal with our issues, so I had to get out of there. I can't really explain why I came to that house in the woods--that horrible place where I spent the night with Aidan. I just had to see it. And to destroy it. I was going to burn that house down and pray that my guilt went out with the embers.
Then Zach showed up. And he lit a match with me. We threw them onto the house. He promised me that our past--all the bad stuff with Aidan--was burning away with the house.
God I hope he's right.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
I had this great idea: Pack up and get away with Zach for a few days. Just the two of us—London, the Bahamas, anywhere. Just so we could get away, straighten things out and make things normal and better again. But he refused to go! What is wrong with him? I’m trying my best here to make things better. Does he not want that?
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
I had this really bad dream last night—that I was in bed with Aidan. Am I going insane or something? It’s like this guilt is consuming me. Zach really is being wonderful. He’s assured me over and over he’s committed to me and we are in this together, but every time I look at him, it’s like this barrier. And I know I'm partly putting it up.
I went to visit Erica in prison. Leave it to my mom to make the most of the big house—and that gross orange jumpsuit (love the upturned collar, Erica). She tried to make me feel better about this whole Zach thing, telling me to take Zach’s word—his love—for me and go with that. And to never tell Greenlee. She was so sure, but I’m not. Of anything.
Get it together Kendall
Monday, April 21, 2008
I thought it was all going to come out tonight. We were at Confusion for drinks—Greenlee, Aidan, Zach and I—and I wanted to jump out of my skin. Seeing how happy Greenlee was with Aidan, knowing what he and I did, knowing that Zach was sitting there, aware of everything and silent. It was almost too much.
I promised Aidan I’d never tell Greenlee. And I won’t. I’m not going to ruin things for her.
When Zach and I got home, it was weird. There was this silence. My fault just as much as his. But then he took me in his arms and we made love, and everything just seemed to disappear for awhile. Until it was over and I was lying there, drowning in my own thoughts. And my guilt.
Friday, April 18, 2008
Seriously, Greenlee? Could you have a worse idea? She wants to go out with Aidan and Zach—the two couples—for a celebratory dinner. The thought of it makes me want to jump off a bridge. But no, Greenlee insisted. And Zach went along with it.
We had a group of high school girls come in today, to ask about how we created Fusion. It was part of a mentoring program. Listening to Greenlee, looking at her, it hit me how lucky I am to have her. And how much I hurt her.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Why won’t Zach talk? He’s got to have more to say. I beg him, but he just tells me he’ll never leave me. Dammit Zach, say something! Scream, yell, throw something!
I still don’t know what to do about Greenlee. Zach advised I not tell her—don’t even tell Aidan Zach knows. When I went into work today, Greenlee told me about the engagement. I don’t think I’ve seen her that happy since she found out she was pregnant.
If only Greenlee knew. I started crying, I felt so bad. I told her it was because I was so happy for her.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Looking at Zach’s eyes just makes everything worse. I can feel how betrayed he feels. I just didn’t know how to take it. I got so angry—why couldn’t he understand why Aidan and I did what we did? It was like I got lost in the anger for a second because I could. Because then I wouldn’t feel the guilt. But what the hell was I thinking? I betrayed Zach. I did this. It was up to me to solve it.
I took Zach to the cabin in the woods where it happened. I hoped that maybe it would purge something. Get him to just let it all out and scream and let us move on. I knew it wouldn’t work. He said the place wasn’t important and just sort of shut down. He held me while I cried. But I want to hold him. Why won’t he just let it out?
Looking at Zach’s eyes just makes everything worse. I can feel how betrayed he feels. I just didn’t know how to take it. I got so angry—why couldn’t he understand why Aidan and I did what we did? It was like I got lost in the anger for a second because I could. Because then I wouldn’t feel the guilt. But what the hell was I thinking? I betrayed Zach. I did this. It was up to me to solve it.
I took Zach to the cabin in the woods where it happened. I hoped that maybe it would purge something. Get him to just let it all out and scream and let us move on. I knew it wouldn’t work. He said the place wasn’t important and just sort of shut down. He held me while I cried. But I want to hold him. Why won’t he just let it out?
Monday, April 14, 2008
You know those times in your life when you remember everything about a moment? Like down to the sounds outside and some random spot on the wall? Just everything. Like a snapshot in time. There’s only been a couple times like that for me. When Ian was born. The night where Erica flashbacked to her rape in the rain. With Bianca at the abortion clinic. Now.
I rambled for ten minutes. Honestly, I can’t remember what led up to it or what I said, but I finally admitted it. I told Zach I slept with Aidan. And he said he knew.
He said he knew. He figured it out.
I almost lost my lunch. But there was Zach, white knight as always. I tried to explain—how I saw his blood on the car, how I was sure he was gone. How Aidan was sure Greenlee was gone. How we were about to die from feeling so damn lost and alone. And then it happened—it was stupid and it happened. And I wanted to just forget it afterwards.
He said what hurt him most is that I didn’t tell him about it for months. The look in his eyes. It was this mixture of fury and just feeling lost. Oh God, what have I done?
Friday, April 11, 2008
It's time. I'm doing it. I have to tell Zach about Aidan. It's eating me from inside. Erica thinks it's the dumbest thing ever, but you know what? I'm not her. I can't take this. I owe this to Zach.
Oh My God.
Suck it up Kendall. Showtime.
