« January 2008 | Main | March 2008 »
Friday, February 29, 2008
So... I have a big question to ask. Have you guys read my book? I know... I know - everyone's way too busy to read my novel, but I was hoping for an honest opinion from some of my closest friends out there - all of you! It's just... being on this book tour - I sometimes doubt if this is really happening to me or not... but it is... it's not just some fluke. So dish! What do you think of "Charm"?
Thursday, February 28, 2008
So tomorrow's a rare day. I know. That's not newsworthy - it's certainly not a presidential debate or anything, but as I sit here on this flight to LA I realized this year is a leap year. Tomorrow's this real but not real day. So.. what if we had a day - say every four years for instance - that was a time out of time moment? If what we did during that one day - didn't actually stick. Do you get me? A day without consequences... what would you all do if you had no one to answer to for 24 hours?
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Six is definitely a crowd. That elevator was so tense I almost choked to death. I've never been so happy to be on an airplane right now. Coach would feel roomy compared to that metal crate we were stuck in with two too many of my exes. And Annie... I get that she's heartbroken, but does she need to lash out at me? It's not my fault Ryan's back in love with me. I know how weird that sounds, but you know what I mean. I did NOT wish for any of this... but that bullet, or whatever, knocked some screw loose in his noggin' and I honestly hope he reboots and remembers everything... being in love with Annie... how great of a father he is to Spike and Emma... and yes... I even want him to remember that we are over.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Well who knew what us Fusion gals needed to spice things up and get our creative mojo working was some pole dancing! I have to say - Greenlee's wacky ideas rarely pay off. Okay sometimes they do. But this one was brilliant. After months of crazy times and long hours and tears - we finally had a release - a moment to kick off our heels (literally) and grab life by the horns (or pole). No wonder it's the hot, semi-new way to exercise. How many of you out there are going to give the pole a try?
Monday, February 25, 2008
Leave it to my mother to beat a dead horse and then run over it with her Manolos just for fun. The woman is being charged with insider trading - was arrested on national television and what is she fixated on? My marriage. And a "forgotten" moment with Aidan. So what if he comes to LA with me? Just because I've screwed up a few of my relationships in the past does not mean I will screw up my marriage to Zach. What we have together... The children we share... He's my soul mate. And for my mother to think I would so carelessly toss all of that happiness away because of some warm weather, Rodeo drive and Aidan close by - she's nuts. What's done is done and it was a one-time screw-up because of out-of-this-world circumstances. We've all made mistakes - but this time, I am determined not to repeat mine.
Friday, February 22, 2008
Just thinking about a skull and bones gives me the heeby jeebies. Creepy. The past should stay dead and buried sometimes. Don't you all agree? I mean, aren't there things that some you have done that you'd like to forget ever happened in the first place? I know I feel that way - and I'm sure all of you do, too. Well... I am all for moving on and only looking forward. So if Aidan's going to come along with me on my book tour - whatever. Nothing's going to happen and nothing from our past is going to be discussed anymore. See - it's my new motto: Dead and Buried. Rest in peace - bad reminders!
Thursday, February 21, 2008
I have waited so long for this day. I love you, Spike. I love you so much - and I know you knew that - but now you can hear me tell it to you over and over again. When his cochlear implants were turned on - and his world changed... God, I'm just so happy my son will be able to live a life where he can hear all of the beautiful things in life... laughter, movies, music... and maybe it's not so terrible being able to tune the world out when you need to. I just want the best for Spike, for Ian - for my family in general - and I'm ecstatic that today something really good came our way.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Negative. Nothing to worry about. False alarm. But was it really just a fluke? Or is this my wake up call? My guilt is chewing me up inside. Every time I try to stuff it away in some little compartment of my mind it busts out. I almost spilled to Greenlee in the bathroom - I hurt Zach because I was too afraid to tell him I thought I might be pregnant... hell - the stress I'm feeling most likely was why I thought I was pregnant in the first place. I have to let this go. I can't be petrified every other second that someone else will find out what Aidan and I did. This pregnancy scare has to be the end of it... I won't let another secret ruin my relationship with the man I love. I just won't... we have a family to focus on - not some dumb mistake I made when I was desperate.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Either way I need to know if I'm pregnant. I can't really keep avoiding it much longer. Too many people know... are talking about it... I just have to face the music. God, this is so hard. I wanted to be able to put my colossal mistake in the past... but if this baby isn't Zach's? I can't go there - not until I know for sure there even is a baby. Please be negative...
Monday, February 18, 2008
Arrested?! My mother? For what? This is crazy! The fashion show was going so well - everything was running smoothly and then... that Samuel guy comes in and announces in front of all the press that my mother is under arrest. Is this just for show? To help his campaign? What could he even have on my mother? I have to see what's going on... this all has to be one big mistake. Right?
Friday, February 15, 2008
Now Greenlee knows I think I'm pregnant! This can only get worse. She better not say anything to her new best friend Zach. If she does... I swear I'll hurt her. This is the last thing he needs to find out about - I mean odds are it's just a false alarm... which means his hopes will go soaring sky high all for nothing. And what good does that do. But if this is true... if I am... well... it'll be his child. Whether or not... he can never know what happened between me and Aidan. It's dead. It's in the past. It was out of desperation. But what if it's living inside me?
Thursday, February 14, 2008
My nerves are completely shot. Fusion has this huge fashion show that we are airing on live TV - and my stomach is doing cartwheels every three seconds. I want to hurl, cry, sleep, work - I want to do it all and the only thing I seem to be able to do is worry. Worry that Fusion's show with Campbell's won't be a hit... worry I'll throw up on stage... worry that I'm pregnant... worry that it's not Zach's. My mother is right - I do need to know for sure - but part of me never wants to have to deal with the fear that it may be true. They say the show must go on... but what if I just take an extended commercial break?
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
I don't want to talk about Ryan or Aidan or possible pregnancies... none of that stuff matters when I look into Zach's eyes, because I just want to be with him. Always. And in every way. Loving him is the one thing I am sure of and I want to show him just how much he means to me. So today was my Valentine to him - the best man, lover, friend, husband I could ever know. I love you, Zach. And I hope I was able to show you exactly how much...
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
I hate keeping secrets... but I don't want to make some huge issue of me possibly being pregnant if I'm not. Zach is so sweet, coming out to Chicago to surprise me, support me - and it all just makes me feel even guiltier. I have a pregnancy test I am hiding, a secret I'm covering... I hate all of this, but I love Zach too much to spill the beans. I won't the love we have implode. Aidan's right. It would be selfish to tell... but is it completely unselfish to not??
Monday, February 11, 2008
Okay. I am totally overreacting. I must have some stomach bug or the flu! That's it. I have the flu. This is the first time in my life I have ever wanted the stupid flu. I can't be pregnant. No way. I mean it's possible... NO! I refuse to go there. I don't want to. And the odds... well, the odds aren't likely. I know. Famous last words. I am just going to get on the plane, get to Chicago, sign some books and just ride out this stomach thing. It'll be fine. It has to be,
Friday, February 8, 2008
So instead of talking about that certain secret that seems to pop up every other second in my life - I mean what are the odds that Aidan is on the same flight AND the seat next to me? Can't a girl catch a break? Nevermind. Obviously the cosmos' answer is "no." So... in an effort to not think about that or the fact that I don't feel well at all or the fact that the plane has yet to take off... I'd rather talk about you. It's Friday. It's February. So what does everyone have planned this weekend? Anything fun? I know it's winter - but who says it needs to be warm to party. Right?
Thursday, February 7, 2008
The indomitable Zach Slater... jealous? Now that is hot! Isn't it, Ladies? I mean - Zach has nothing to worry about - I love him to pieces - but every once in awhile it's nice to know he's all protective and dare I say a tiny bit insecure. I know better than anyone how human my husband is - some people beg to differ - but I know him well enough to know that he is extremely emotional in his own way. But this... this is a new one - and in a way... turns me on. It's a shame I have to fly to Chicago...
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
This is rough. I mean... Ryan is completely trapped in 2004. In his mind, his heart... And I don't know how to time travel him back to the here and now. The way he looks at me... he has that look - I remember that look... but we're over in 2008. I know that. I feel that. I am totally in love with Zach... But for Ryan... it's not computing entirely. How do I handle this? On one hand, it's flattering and confusing and makes me want to be there for him because this has got to be so scary for him, but I have a husband and two children to focus on. I want to help my friend - but maybe it's better if I stay away considering how he feels about me... I don't know. I just don't want to make things any worse. But Ryan has to remember because our son needs his dad - Spike loves Ryan - so doesn't that put me in the middle even if I don't know if I should be?
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Can you imagine waking up one morning and having lost your memory? It freaks me out. I hurt so much for Ryan - he doesn't remember his life - I mean his life now. And he has a good life, too! How did this happen? He was fine last time I saw him - and then... poof - it's 2004? And he's back in love with me?? I mean there are worse states of mind to be in - but we've all come so far since then. Now that I think about it - maybe some memory loss ain't such a bad thing. There are a few choice moments I'd like to forget, some close calls I wish I couldn't remember - but all of the good stuff... Spike, Emma, Annie - how do you lose your family without them ever leaving you?
Monday, February 4, 2008
It worked! Greenlee's back! Dr. Hubbard is a frickin' genius. This is real, isn't it? Greenlee's going to be okay - and Frankie, too? It looked like we were going to lose her for a while there, but now... just like that she woke up. That's it! No more medical dramas - please! None of us can take it. We've all had to pull through some crazy situations the past few months - let's just enjoy being alive and be done with the hospital visits and the experimental cures and crazy ex-girlfriends and bomb shelters and focus on just being friends - a family.
Friday, February 1, 2008
Greenlee's going to die. They tried that drug - and now she's... All of those monitors beeping and going crazy and all of this medical knowledge we're supposed to have in 2008 - and what good is any of it if it can't save the people we love? I don't want to watch my friend die... I don't want us to lose this amazing person who's so full of life and feisty and stylish and smart and a huge pain in the butt - so why do I have to? I know there's no real answer. No sense to it. But it doesn't mean I can't get angry or sad or most of all... It doesn't mean I can't just shut down and feel numb. Because after all of the hits I've had to take recently, I think today taught me that things can always get worse and there's no way to stop it.
