Kendall's Hart To Heart

Experimental

Thursday, January 31, 2008

Experimental... no clue if the drug Joe gave her will work. We could lose her. I could wake up tomorrow and lose my best friend because of some weird plant in the woods. I know that no matter what she needs to fight to stay on this side of "here" and so I wanted to give her one more reason to kick this thing where it hurts... I wanted her to see Spike. To see there's more good times waiting for her when she wakes up. This is just so hard - standing around, feeling helpless, watching her get weaker and weaker and having no solid cure in sight. This drug needs to work - because we're banking someone's life on it.

What else can we do?

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

And right around the corner... was something not so bright. It's like whatever this toxin thing is, it's breaking Greenlee and Frankie down piece by piece. How am I supposed to be excited about some book tour or book launch or whatever when my best friend is in the hospital... fighting to... God, I hate this. I feel like I live at PVH. They've stablized Frankie, but for how long... I guess our job is to keep hoping and praying that a cure is right there in the doctor's reach... that life is precious but not short - please don't let Greenlee's life be so short.

Memory Lane

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Why is it that when we're in the hospital visiting a friend we talk about "the good times." It's the most morbid thing if you think about it - but we all do it. Greenlee's going to kick this toxin's butt - she's a fighter. But I can't help but talk about the past as if that's all we have left. It can't be, right? There's going to be more fun stories, crazy fights - shoe sharing... there just has to be. But still... as much as I keep telling myself: Focus on the future - because there will be one with Greenlee in it... Memory lane comes calling - and it makes me happy and sad - for a lot of reasons. Why do our minds jump to the worst - why do they jump backwards... Well, I won't let mine! I'm going to believe that right around the corner is a bright future for us all - especially a cure for Greenlee.

Helpless

Monday, January 28, 2008

I just feel so helpless. You know? Sitting in the hospital, pacing, praying, waiting... it just feels useless. I want Greenlee to know I'm there - we all want her to know we're there - but is that really going to help? We're not doctors... and even they don't have a cure. So what can I do? My best idea was a hair clip. That's not going to make her well. That's not going to get her out of that room. But what will? I just hate this. If there was a way I could fight what's attacking her - I'd do it in a second. At least then it would feel like I was trying... like I could beat this thing for her. But instead... we wait, we pray, we pace - we hope... for a miracle.

Tortured

Friday, January 25, 2008

My head is spinning. This is crazy! It's bad enough Greenlee and Zach were underground for a month, but now some root out there is attacking Greenlee's body? That's insane, cruel... what is going on? She just came back from death exactly a month ago... why do we all have to fight to stay alive lately? Hannah shot at me and almost killed Ryan, she almost took Zach with her into the waterfall... the bomb shelter... and now this. Every time we all think life is back to normal - something else takes a swing at us. Are we all just completely doomed?

Out of the blue

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Greenlee was fine. She was better than fine, actually. We were drinking some margs, laughing, having a good time after a fight -which is a normal day for us - and then... what's going on with her? She just got out of the hospital. I mean, I knew she wasn't completely 100 percent back - but I didn't think she was still sick. I thought she was getting better - each day... Her heart stopped on Christmas and then today she just stopped breathing ...right there in front of me and Julia. What's wrong? The doctors have to fix this. They just have to. Greenlee and Zach did not battle their way for weeks to stay alive and come back to us just so that something horrible can catch up to them. Greenlee has to beat this thing - whatever it is that made her throat close up - she just has to fight.

Am I mad?

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

I have a book?! How did this happen? I didn't even write a book - per se - I just scribbled when I needed to escape from life. What did Greenlee do?! Oh. I could kill her! "Charm" was private - it was just some ramblings I wrote down and now Hyperion wants to publish it? I have a book... I wrote a book! Oh my God! Does that make me an author? This is crazy, surreal... could it be... this is kind of good... right?

All worked up

Tuesday. January 22, 2008

I'm all jumbled up lately. I want to be there for Zach, but he won't let me - I keep having to deal with Aidan and that reminds me of all sorts of regrets - and then when I try to find my husband so I can peel him off the walls, he's off with my best friend having a chat. I know I shouldn't be this jealous or insecure - and it's probably - no - it is coming from a place of guilt over what Aidan and I did, but sometimes I just need to be told how much Zach loves me - because I am so scared that I'll lose him.

Search party

Monday, January 21, 2008

Where the hell could Zach have gone? He ran out of the Valley Inn like a bat out of hell - I don't even think he heard me calling his name. When he gets that angry... it takes a lot to snap him out of it. I've tried everyone - no one's seen him. Damn it! I knew he was still on the edge because of Hannah - but Adam had to go and push him straight over. If I wasn't so scared of how far Zach would've taken his anger - I would have cheered him on for throttling Adam. He deserved some of it. But... Zach is wound so tight right now - and that scares me more than anything...

Pushing buttons

Friday, January 18, 2008

Adam is one SOB. Setting up this whole shindig just to stoke the fires. It made me so happy to see Krystal and Tad one-up him and get married right in front of his smug face, though. They certainly don't have a traditional kind of love... but who does, really?  Zach and I... hot, hot, hot - but definitely not "traditional." The only thing that scares me is... when Adam doesn't get what he wants, he definitely fights back - and if he's going to go after Zach... well, Zach's still reeling from Hannah's death and I don't really know how he'll react...

Smelling the roses

Thursday, January 17, 2008

The last time I saw Ryan so... so funny... seems like forever ago. We've all been so serious, dealing with problem after problem - it's nice to enjoy life every once in awhile instead of feeling like you are constantly fighting to just live it. I guess a near death experience will do that to you. Although, please let the guitar thing be temporary. I think Annie will try to take a shot at him herself if he keeps strumming that noise he calls "music." He'll forever be one of my heroes - I know some of you out there don't love him, but he saved my life... What's in the past will stay there. We've both hurt each other - and we've come out the other side better people and most importantly, good parents. In all the chaos sometimes we forget to enjoy our friends and have some good times. So that's why tonight is all about having a good time and hanging with some good people. Except... why is Adam there?

Welcome back

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

First day back at work... never thought it would feel so great. At most jobs you look forward to being off - vacation, "personal days"... you name it most people love to take a breather. But I really missed Fusion, The work, the fun - the people! Amanda, Annie, Ava, Babe, Greenlee - and everyone else - we all love what we do and we love who we are. I think that makes us nothing short of fabulous. So here's to all of the women reading this blog who are strong, smart, savvy and independent. We've got it all because we've got each other.

Loving the pain away

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

I know Zach's still in agony- how can he not be? But if he wants to try and put Hannah's death behind him... if he wants to just process it his own way, on his own terms - I respect that. Whatever he needs - he can have. I love him so much... I will do anything to stop him from hurting. And if that means getting his mind off of what happened tonight even for a little while... I am so happy to oblige. If you know what I mean. I'll love the pain out of Zach - because Zach is my world.

Deathgrip

Monday, January 14, 2008

She just let go. Hannah didn't even try to hold on for very long - and with one little gesture she's going to haunt Zach for the rest of his life. God, I hate that woman. Now Zach actually blames himself for her death. She lured him here, she let go - she's the crazy obsessed woman that tried to kill me! But... she was the mother of Zach's first son - and I know Zach will always feel guilty that he couldn't save her. It's almost like she knew that by letting go of his hand, she'd actually have a stronger grip on him in the end. She's so twisted. But I have to convince Zach... I have to make him see that Hannah wanted to end her life... that she wanted it to be over. Maybe if he understands that in his heart he'll be able to let it be over too.

Over the ledge

Friday, January 11, 2008

I know Zach wants me to stay put so I'll be safe - but what about him? He's dealing with some lunatic who's onsessed with him - maybe he needs someone to help rescue him. I almost lost Zach in that bomb shelter - I will not lose him now. He has to pull himself up off that mountain - let Hannah go and come back to us, Zach! We need, Zach. We all do...

Pants on fire

Thursday, January 10, 2008

So I am going to ask a question I never thought I would have to ask. How do you pull off being a good liar? I know, I know. I have lied my face off over the years - I'm sure you remember some of my not-so-great moments - especially with my mother... but now that I'm lying to people I actually love... makes things a whole lot tougher. Zach cannot know what happened between Aidan and me- and neither can my mother or anyone else! But I feel so guilty... I hate myself for making the dumbest most desperate mistake ever - and I cannot stop myself from feeling like I'm advertising it all over my forehead. So... is there a way I can either forget the whole damn thing even happened? Or do you guys know a guilt-free way to lie?

On edge

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

What happened at that cabin can't ever happen again. I don't even want it to. I didn't want it to then! It's just - Aidan's always there, and it keeps reminding me of what we did. And now Hannah... it's like something or someone is always right around the corner, waiting to rip Zach and me apart. Whether it's some lunatic running around with a rifle or a look on my face that Zach's going to see... I just want us to be happy - peaceful - I just want us to be us... without the third, fourth, hell, seventh wheels chiming in about our relationship. When are we going to catch a break like that?

Chasing a bullet

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

I see that look in his eyes - Zach is out for the kill. He even said as much. But after all we've been through... I don't want Zach to do something that will take him away from me and the boys. We have all spent way too much time apart - and I refuse to let crazy Hannah drive a permanent wedge between us with one of her sick, twisted plots. Please, Zach... don't do something I would do without thinking. I want Hannah gone, too - but I don't want you to go with her in the process...

Nice try

Monday, January 7, 2008

That crazy skank! She's got to be out of her freaking mind - Hannah tried to kill me! If Ryan hadn't been there... I'd be in the morgue right now. He saved my life. And he almost lost his in the process. All because Hannah's obsessed with her teenage crush?! If I get my hands on her... if she hurts Josh or anyone else I care about, I will take her down. We have all fought our way back from hell - no way is some deranged woman going to take another shot at anyone I love...

One minute...

Friday, January 4, 2008

One minute we're all having fun... snacking, partying, celebrating - just like old times. All of us have come so far - we're friends now, family even - and then BAM! Glass shatters, a shot rings out, we all crash to the floor - you don't even know if it's you that's been hurt yet. How come life hangs in the balance so often for us all. Every time we fight the odds to keep on living - life knocks us all down again. Haven't we all suffered enough? I can't take any more tragedy. Please let us all be okay.

Freedom

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Free! We are all done with the garbage we've been through! And it's all because of Greenlee. If she hadn't shown up in court... if she hadn't taken the high road and told the judge everything we've all been through over the years... the pain, the happiness, the family we share... It's all really in the past this time, isn't it? For good. Woo-hoo! It's time to celebrate. Kick  2008 into high gear and boot 2007 into the history books. Pa-arty time!

Make me forget

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Why can't we go back in time? Wouldn't that be something? There are so many things I would do differently... so many things I'd love to not feel guilty about. I want to forget - I want to put this shame and guilt I'm carrying behind me. Leave it in 2007 and never think about it again - but it's what's driving me to make amends. I just need to be with Zach... and then everything else washes away.