Kendall's Hart To Heart

Resolutions

Monday, December 31, 2007

I get where Zach is coming from - I do. And our family is the most important thing in the world to me... But let me ask all of you a question. Have you ever resolved to do something - to make something right. I have so much guilt... for a lot of reasons - I just need to make things okay again. I can't let Greenlee take the fall for a setup I planned - especially not now - not after what Aidan and I... and Spike's hearing loss being genetic... not after everything we' ve all been through. So I have a new year's resolution I have to go through with - turning myself in...

I did it!

Friday, December 28, 2007

I am making good on my promise I made with God. I will confess that I set Greenlee up. Because after 5 weeks in a hole - she should not be locked up in prison for a crime she didn't even commit. I won't let that happen. I can't... not after Aidan and I... I don't know how I'm going to keep myself out of jail - I guess I'll have to figure that out along the way - but this constant game of PVPD in our lives needs to end. No more guards outside of Greenlee's room, and no more hidden agendas - I am coming clean... I have to.

Better Left Unsaid

Thursday, December 27, 2007

So... obviously some things are better left unsaid. Aidan and I are clear - what happened at that cabin happened for no other reason than we were in despair, lost, in pain - we thought the people we love most in this world were dead - and for a blip in time we grabbed onto the closest thing we could find while the earth we're so used to walking on bottomed out from under us. I know it sounds like I'm making excuses... It was wrong - it didn't even feel right at the time - but now we have to move past it. 2007 represented so much hurt, death - pain... Other than giving birth to Ian, there wasn't much happiness. So... 2008 will be the year we will al put the horrible things behind us and look forward to the bright stuff ahead.

Holiday cheer

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

So we all know what I got for the holidays - my family back. Seeing Zach hold our boys today... best gift in my life. And Bianca and Miranda's surprise visit! I am so happy to see everyone happy and healthy. Josh, my mother... they have been so strong . I love my family and friends so much - I just hope I can be there for them the same way they've supported me all this year. But what did you all wish for? Did you get everything you wanted? Tell me about your wishlist and how you spent the past few days with your family.

Love Conquers All

Monday, December 24, 2007

"Love conquers all" is such a nice cliche. Isn't it? We all put faith in it, sometimes we even bank on it - but it's rare to actually see it happen so fast in front of your eyes. Today that's what I saw. I saw it in Zach's eyes when he looked at me - knowing our love is what pushed him to keep going in that shelter. Knowing it's what kept me from curling up into a ball and just letting the pain wash over me these past few weeks. And most of all - love is what brought Greenlee back to life. Aidan's heart kept her on this side of the hereafter. Just like Zach's love has brought me back from the brink countless times. So folks, you saw it live and in color - Love does conquer all and Christmas miracles do happen. Happy holidays!

Love,

Kendall

Miracles Happen

Friday, December 21, 2007

I got my wish! My Christmas miracle! Zach is alive.  A little banged up, hungry - but he's going to be okay. He's going to come home. Thank you, God! Thank you, thank you, thank you! My sons will  see their dad, and everything will be normal again. Well... normal in my world is just back to good. Now, I know I'm greedy. I know. I've asked for more than I should... but since I got my Christmas miracle to come true - please let Greenlee be okay, too.

Coming out swingin'

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Zach's alive! Oh my God! Is he okay? Is he hurt? I need to rescue him - get Zach out of that hole and get him home to our sons. It's a miracle - I just... so much has happened... I can't think about all of that right now. What matters is my husband is alive and fighting to stay that way. I will tear up every inch of those woods and rip him out of the ground myself if that's what it takes to have my husband home for the holidays. Nature's got nothing on me.

It's over

Wednesday, Deecember 19, 2005

What does it all matter if Zach is gone? He's lost to me,,, to our family... forever. How do I go on knowing that? How do I tell Ian he'll never really remember his dad. He'll see pictures and hear stories... but that's all he'll be able tohold onto. Fairytales and wishful thinking. Zach and I have fought death and life and have always come out the other end... but this time - we're not together. I pushed him away that dau and even though he loved me enough to forgive me for saying those horrible words... I don't think I can ever forgive myself. I drove him to come out here because he wanted to save me from myself again. I just need to feel safe and forget all of that one last time before I go home to an empty house as a widow.

Grasping at straws

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

They can't be gone. Zach can't be gone! Blood does NOT make you disappear. And we all know he was hit, that he was bleeding. A few drops on some stupid rock doesn't prove... No! I will not believe it. I can't. I just... Zach is the love of my life - he means the world to me. I love my children, my family, my sister - but without Zach it all falls apart. It all makes zero sense. Without him... I don't make any sense...

Things change

Monday, December 17, 2007

Aidan's right. We tortured Greenlee because of something she didn't even do. I know she took Spike in the first place - but she was confused, hurt, angry - all of those things still don't make it okay - but it makes it forgiveable. It makes it a mistake, a bad decision... we've all made those. But the one thing none of us could get past was the permanent repercussions... Now... now that we know Spike's hearing loss wasn't at all her fault... I didn't think I could ever forgive and forget what she did despite how guilty I've been feeling, but now I want to... I want to move on... I want Zach and Greenlee to come home safe and sound.

Compounding the guilt

Friday, December 14, 2007

Spike's hearing loss was... genetic? I don't understand. He was fine, then he was in an accident and then he couldn't hear - at all. We had the best doctors look at him, we were all so sure that the accident was what caused... Oh my God! What have I done? All of this time - and Greenlee didn't make Spike deaf? I felt guilty before - because I went too far - trying to put her in prison... but the one constant was tht she caused my son to become deaf. If that's not true - then none of this is her fault... and that puts me to blame for so much more.

Rescinding the offer

Thursday, December 13, 2007

I can't go through with my promise. I won't. I know it's going to come back to bite me in the butt, but I can't leave my boys. Their father is out there, lost, hurt... I won't let them lose their mom, too. Not after all of the fighting we have all done to be together as a family. Spike battled his way to come into this world, Ian is still fighting... And now Spike just came from surgery - he needs time to heal, to hear - my babies need someone to love -and with Zach so far away... so do I.

Regrets

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

I wish I had done so many things differently... doesn't everyone have regrets? But lately... I feel like I've made so many wrong turns, bad choices... I like to believe I would have confessed in court, that before the judge banged the gavel I would have done the right thing... that's what I tell myself... whether that would have happened or not... who knows. But when the alarms went off and the sprinklers came on... I know that poof - my chance to scrape the guilt off of me vanished as fast as Aidan carried Greenlee out of that courtroom. But this week I've made some promises with God... to allow Spike's surgery to be a success, to keep Ian healthy, to bring Zach back to us... and now it's my turn to pony up. Will I have the guts to do that this time around?

Things to come...

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Spike's going to be back to good in no time! I just feel it. The surgery was a success; Joe said it himself. You all heard him. And now... I believe the cochlear implant will work. I can't wait for Spike to hear me talk to him, sing to him, hear me say I love him. And I also know deep in my heart that Zach will come home and be back to good, too. I am putting every ounce of faith I have into that... my family will be whole again in a jiffy. I can't wait for Spike to hear his daddy Zach come home!

Eleventh hour save?

Monday, December 10, 2007

Tomorrow's such a huge day. Spike's surgery. We've waited months to get the news... "Spike will be able to hear you all say how much you love him." I am excited, and scared. I just wish Zach were here... he'd know what to do or say to make the waiting, the pacing, the worry disappear. Spike and Zach have a special bond, you know. A different kind of language. I hate that my boy's been missing out on that... both my children have missed out on so much time. I feel like I've failed them... I've tried not to... I've tried to be with my children and search for their dad, but... I couldn't come through. I wanted Spike to go into PVH tomorrow knowing we will ALL be waiting for him when the surgery is over. Zach, am I missing something? A clue? A gut feeling? Send me a sign so Spike will have two gifts tomorrow - his hearing and his other daddy back.

Eureka!

Friday, December 7, 2007

They ARE together. I always thought... maybe... I figured.. but that sketch proves it. Zach and Greenlee are somewhere... together... and that means, the odds of them being okay are so much higher. I still feel Zach - he's out there... I know it - and now Aidan and I will find them. They just have to be okay... but... if they're stuck together... are they going to kill each other?

Knocking down the barriers

Thursday, December 6, 2007

No more waiting around to see what happens... not really my style. Aidan has his reasons for keeping me in the dark, and I have my reasons to do just the opposite. I don't care what it takes, I'll knock down every tree in that damn forest right outside Aidan's door - no one shuts me down or out. My husband is out there... I still feel Zach... and I know he's hoping I'll find him. I won't let Zach down. Not after all the times he's rescued me... this time I'm coming to his rescue.

Open the damn door!

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

He shut me out. Aidan shut me out! I did what he asked, I confessed, I promised Zach and I would make it all up to Greenlee once she's found... and he carries me out to the porch and slams the door in my face! What more does he want? He's not the only one missing someone he loves... my husband is out there... somewhere - and I'll be damned if Aidan Devane is going to take his sweet time looking. I want Zach AND Greenlee found - we're on the same side. And besides... two heads are better than one... but when someone's as stubborn as Aidan... Well, it's up to me to knock some sense into him. And I will...

Teamwork?

Monday, December 3, 2007

Greenlee and Zach are out there. Aidan knows it, Tad knows it - and now... we'll find them. I don't care if Aidan hates me, wants to kill me... my husband is somewhere, and if working together to find Greenlee is how I can find Zach, then that's what we are all going to do. Whatever it takes my husband will come home to me... whatever it takes...

Help me out

Monday, December 3, 2007

You guys have to help me get my mind off everything going on... Zach missing, who knows where - my two boys home without their father... I need to hear happy thoughts, fun stories - family moments. I know Zach will come back to us - so I am asking all of you to give me something to look forward to. Tell me some of your fun family stories, or a random sweet memory - or just how all of you celebrated Thanksgiving this year. Give me some happiness to hold onto... even if it's not my own.