Kendall's Hart To Heart

Charm

Friday, November 30, 2007

Even when Zach's not here, he's here. Sending me gifts, sweet notes - God, I miss him so much. So much. I wish he were here to give me the charms. But if he can't... I'll wait. I'll wait for him forever. And I'll write. I'll pass the time while I wait for Zach to come running through the front door to hold me and our children. I'm hoping if I can pass the time and not freak out that when I look up next time I'll see his gorgeous face and sexy grin and he'll be home... for good.

Escapism

Thursday, November 29, 2007

I need to find another outlet - I mean, blogging definitely helps - but how much can I talk about myself without thinking about Zach... he's all I can think about. How long he's been gone, if he's okay - if he's even still... I wish I could just fall asleep and when I wake up he's back, in my arms - watching over our children. But this... this living in the constant middle - waiting for some kind of happy ending... this kind of "existing" is eating me up inside out. How do I escape?

Going to that scary place

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

It creeps up on you, then bashes you straight in the face... the dark, cold , scary place your mind goes to. I have to not go there. I can't go there. I'm not strong enough.. And there's not even a reason to think... I know Zach's been missing for a while, and sure - they found some of his blood - he was in a car accident! That sopping mess of booze JR must have hit my husband and drove away. Totally sounds like JR- running away from responsibility. So that means Zach went to go get help... He's just having a hard time getting home. That's all. Ryan's right. Zach will come  back to me and our children - Zach will come home soon.

All I want for Christmas...

Monday, November 26, 2007

Zach will come home. I have to believe that. I do believe that. I keep telling myself I believe that. And Myrtle knows it, too. She understands Zach so well - knows how badly he wants to be with us right now - how much he loves our family. I just keep having these flashes, these images of him walking through our front door - arms open and that huge grin of his turning into the biggest smile when he lays eyes on  Ian and Spike. Zach will come home... I know he will.

Ian's homecoming

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Today should be one of the happiest days of my life - Ian's finally coming home. Zach and I have waited so long to put him in his crib, to smell his own smells in his room, to focus on the cute mobile we got him - to lay in his dad's arms in his own room - and Zach isn't there. He's not home yet. And I am so sad for him, for me, for Ian and Spike... Zach must be in so much trouble - he would never miss Ian's homecoming. Never. He would fight to make his way back. He will make his way back, right? God, if you're listening... I know I have so much to be thankful for, but I just need to ask for one more thing...  Zach to come home and be with his family on Thanksgiving. Please let him come home...

Blackout

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

He blacked out! That's it? That's the big answer I get?! My husband is missing, God only know what kind of condition he's in, and the only clue I have to go on is some picture that proves JR was there - and he can't even remember.  I swear - I could kill JR. Every time that drunk does something lethal he whips out the "I'm an alcoholic" excuse. Here's a 12-step program - prison! That's what the guy needs. How many times does my family have to tiptoe near death because JR OD's on scotch?!

Sending out an SOS

Monday, November 19, 2007

Where are you, Zach? I'm freaking out here. That was your car and your blood - what happened to you? Who happened to you? Was it Greenlee? Did she make my worst nightmare come true and take you away from me - use the lie I told her at the boathouse to get me back? She's capable of it when she's been pushed this far. But I know you're still out there. I feel it.  So just give me a clue...

Hear me out

Thursday, November 15, 2007

God, I miss Zach so much - I just want him to come back here to the hospital and hear me out. I want to tell him I'm so sorry - please don't be angry - I didn't mean the nasty things I said. What does all of that junk matter anyway? It doesn't. Not when we have each other, our children - when we have so much love. I can't help it. I have this awful feeling that something bad is going to happen unless I tell him how much he means to me. Is that weird?

Paradise

Friday, November 16, 2007

I'm on my way to Paradise - to Zach. Could I feel any guiltier right now? I flipped out on the man that I love - freaked out when he wasn't answering his phone... all because I thought he was running as far away from me as possible. I should have known he would never do that. I should have known he would understand how messed up I get sometimes... Every other man I've been with... any man probably anyone else has ever been with would have run to the hills by now to get away from me - not to find an escape for us. That's what makes Zach - Zach. The way he knows me... the way he loves me. I can't wait to walk into Paradise, tell my husband I love him - and apologize a hundred times over with hot kiss.

Call back

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

My mother's totally right. What was I thinking? I do this - always - I feel trapped, cornered and I lash out in exactly the wrong way - right at the person I love most. God, why do I keep messing up - it feels like that's all I do lately. I was angry at Zach, at myself, at Greenlee - at everyone - and I should have just dealt with it like a normal person - talked it out with Zach and try to get past it  - but instead I go for the jugular. And he still came back! And somehow I still messed up! Because now he thinks I ditched... now he's probably off thinking the worst of me - and all I want to do is say how sorry I am. I shouldn't have blown up like that. It didn't even feel right at the time - it just felt like I was doing something. We both made mistakes and we both got us into this mess - and it's going to take both of us to get through this... I can't do life without Zach - he's what keeps me together.

Frantic

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

I feel like I'm crawling in my own skin - I'm so on edge and freaked out... and I yelled at Zach. I mean I really went after him - and for what? Because he did something to protect me? Sometimes his protection drives me nuts, but all of the time I'm so happy he cares enough to actually protect me... God, I shouldn't have gone after him like that...  No matter how upset I get I shouldn't have said some of those things... dammit! My world is unraveling because of our mistakes. I hate this. How can I get us back the way it used to be?

Wrong Turn

Monday, November 12, 2007

Oh my God - Greenlee's out there and she's so angry. Did you hear her in that courtroom - she was about to plead guilty because she has nothing left to lose. I will not lot her come after my babies. If she would have just waited... but there was all that smoke, and the alarms... I would have come clean. I would have confessed. How did this all go so wrong? Is this really all my fault?

Riot Act

Thursday, November 8, 2007

No one can stop me - I know what I have to do. Zach may want to try, but we all know when I put my mind to something - nothing gets in my way. Setting Greenlee up is eating away at me. Bite by bite - I ache for what I did. And what Zach did, too. Ryan's not all wrong - we were horrible. We started something that needs to be finished... I have to finish it...

Guilty

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

We tore Greenlee's life apart. Zach and I pulled her from every direction and ripped her heart to shreds. I promised her friendship, love, family - and he offered her a baby, hope, a last chance. I hardly slept last night just thinking about her - in that dank, cold jail cell... where she was probably lying awake thinking of how we both hurt her. And she was moving on! Getting on with her life! We did this to her, and it was all for what?! I feel so guilty - it's eating me up inside. I have to see her... I have to try to...

Mistaken

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

What have we done? What have I done? I was so sure... I thought Greenlee was coming after Spike - and that's not what she meant at all. She had no intention of stealing him. She was moving on, leaving us alone - oh my God - how could I have made such a huge, horrible mistake? Is there even a way to fix it? To not ruin her life? I have to. I just have to... Don't I?

She said, she said

Monday, November 5, 2007

The truth is only a matter of perception. Don't you think? See... Greenlee was caught with my son (whom she'd tried to kidnap once before) alone in the boathouse, and the police found me (the mother of two innocent babies) semi-conscious nearby. An alibi is only as good as the storyteller - something I learned awhile back. And I am so good... Greenlee's going down for life.

Bye bye, Greenlee

Friday, November 2, 2007

Did you guys see the look on Greenlee's face? She's going down... and she knows it. It's only a matter of hours before my family will be safe and free from Greenlee and her baby-stealing intentions. The way I look at it... she caused this. If she had just let go of that insane dream of making Spike hers, we could have all moved on... but now... she's going to be living in the big house.

Change of plans

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Oh my God - Greenlee is still planning on taking Spike! I heard her. I have to stop whatever plan she has. Today! If I give that brat even one more minute who knows what she might do. I won't let her steal my son. Never again. I've already got what I need from the hospital... now I just have to wait until she gets here - and pray Simone doesn't "show up"again to  blab about yesteryear. Greenlee's not the same person she was when Simone was alive. Not even close. She's totally consumed with baby-napping. I told Zach I'd let the plan go... but knowing what she's after changes everything.