Kendall's Hart To Heart

Battlelines

Friday, September 28, 2007

I almost gave in to the good times, the fun memories - the OLD Greenlee. But then I was reminded of who she is now. She's the woman who came back to town and wanted to take Spike away from me. She's the woman who decided to make a run for it with my son while I was in labor. She's the woman who got into a car accident and mangled my little boy. And she's the reason my other son is still in the hospital, still fighting to breathe, fighting to gain weight - fighting to stay alive. She's the reason I am going after her and she's the reason I won't stop until I'm done.

Duped

Thursday, September 27, 2007

I know what I'm doing to Greenlee could potentially be dangerous - but I am a revenge pro. Or at least I used to be. Remember some of my crazy stunts? But this time, I am completely focused. Sure, my mother pushed a few buttons and it got to me - but I won't let Greenlee have that power over me. I will see my plan through. Look at how well it's already working - she called to catch me up on the "latest." Why Aidan is even giving her the time of day... I don't know. But that might work - she's distracted by her new "relationship" and so blinded by the idea of being friends with me again that she won't even see the hate I have staring her right in the face.

Makeup

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Okay, ladies. Listen up. Fusion Green is a huge hit - but in order to stay on top we need to make sure we're supplying you with the necessities. Those colors, shades you can't resist wearing. So... I am doing some informal research here... I need to know what you gals do to get your "every day" look. What's your process?

Plotting

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

I can't fill you guys in just yet... only my mother knows right now... but what I have in store for Greenlee is huge. She won't know what hit her and she won't be able to ever get back up again when it does. No one - and I mean no one - hurts my family and gets away with it. I promise to bring my sons justice - and I'm a mom of her word.

Consent

Monday, September 24, 2007

It's  a huge step, but Zach is right... Spike having the cochlear implant surgery has nothing to do with Greenlee. It's about our son. His options. His quality of life. In a weird way, these past few weeks were as though I was the deaf one. I didn't want to listen to professional opinions, educated suggestions - alternatives. But meeting Jason - seeing how normal life is for him despite the way he hears... it gave me hope for Spike. I'm ready to move forward with the surgery. I hate that my son will be in the hospital again, but if it enables him to hear the words "I love you" from me or allows him to communicate with his little brother in a few months then it's worth it. I will never forgive Greenlee for what she did to Spike, but I won't let her stop me from doing the right thing for my son.

Should he or shouldn't he?

Friday, September 21, 2007

No doubt. Jason is an incredible kid. He's exactly the kind of boy I want Spike to grow up to be. Smart, athletic, adorable... funny. It's just... this next step... it's so hard. Committing to another surgery for Spike. As a mother, I just want to love his problems away - find a cure that doesn't involve being stuck in that damn hospital again. Part of me is holding out hope this is a temporary obstacle that Spike will just jump over. But the other part of me... would having the damn cochlear implant be so bad? Maybe. Maybe not. I... I just worry about what growing up "different" will do to Spike. Will he be picked first in gym class or last because he's "the deaf kid"? Are girls going to look at him like any other guy or are they not going to want to date someone with a "handicap"? I know. I know. "That's so far away, Kendall - don't worry about that now." But I worry about everything. How Spike feels this minute, today and how he's going to feel in 10, 20 years. Part of me wants to be so angry with Zach and my mother - but... I can't be. I know what they're saying makes sense - I think about it all the time, too. I just don't know if I can make that leap from blind faith to surgery just yet.

Thanks, Mom

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Sometimes it's like a dream - or a nightmare - when I think of how things used to be between my mother and me. When I first came to town... all the things we did to each other - wow. And now... I can't imagine NOT having her in my life. It's funny. All I ever wanted was to have her attention, and sometimes... I get too much of it. But it's the way she loves her children. I know that. I'm the same way with Spike and Ian. And seeing her be her - be Erica Kane - the woman who does it all... gives me strength. When I want to curl up in a ball, cry for my sons and just let myself shatter all over the living room floor, I think about my mother, and I pick myself up to try and be a better mom to my sons. I know she has my back no matter what - just like my Ian and Spike will always have me defending them - and that's something I couldn't live without.

First day back

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

First day back at work and already the natives are restless. I missed Fusion. Greenlee... not at all... but Babe, Amanda, Di... For now, I'll let Greenlee think I don't want to hurl every time she walks into the office. Did you see the gifts she bought for my sons?! The nerve - after almost killing them! God, I hate that bitch. Breathe, Kendall... it'll all be over soon enough. I just have to keep telling myself that when she talks to me like I don't want to throw her off Fusion's roof. So, all in all, the first day back wasn't too tough... no one died or anything.

Family Ties

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

The past few months have been all about me. My children, my needs, etc. I still can't believe Annie and Ryan moved in with us so I could stay close to Spike. That's sacrifice. But that's what amazing people they are. Annie was at the hospital every day - standing by Ryan, praying for Spike, visiting me, comforting Zach when I couldn't, watching Ian so he was never alone... The list goes on and on. God,  life's been such a wreck this summer. One crisis after another. The only constant was us... we've all become a real family. No outsiders. Just love. Oh, there have been fights - but that's family. I had to give Spike up once to protect him... and now Annie has to do the same. She has to let go of her daughter for a little bit until the danger passes. That guts a mother... I know Annie will fight as hard as I did so she can get back to Emma. But until she does... I'm so honored she trusts me enough to repay the favor and protect her little girl when she can't. We may be the most non-traditional family out there - but we're stronger for it.

Phase one

Monday, September 17, 2007

Greenlee actually bought that I would even try to be her friend again. She is so desperate she agreed to everything I asked for. Especially the "don't tell anyone" part. I have her right where I want her and she doesn't even see it. Well... phase one is done - wait till you see what happens next.

Pests

Friday, September 14, 2007

Everywhere I turn... Greenlee, Greenlee, Greenlee. I am so sick of her. The pain she's caused me and Zach and my boys.. she won't stop. She just won't stop. I held my son for the very first time - it was one of the happiest moments in my life, and she ruined it by being there. When I looked up and saw her, all of the happiness I was feeling turned to mush and a heap of rage started bubbling up. I couldn't do anything - I had to stay calm for Ian - but I wanted to throw her against the wall, and then drag her out of the hospital. I need her to leave us alone. I need her gone. But how do you get rid of someone who doesn't want to go away?

Touch

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Wow. Just wow. I was so freaked out about holding Ian at first... he's so little, so fragile. I wanted to... I just doubted myself. I've made some pretty lousy decisions as a mom lately, and I just didn't want to make another one... not with Ian. But when his tiny body was up against mine... and I could feel him breathing, his small chest moving up and down... I felt his life... I felt his alive... and for the first time this summer, I felt like his true blue mom. I can't wait to hold him again, sing my tone-deaf songs to him, look in his eyes... I can't wait for Ian to grow into himself. Ian felt like love... the love I have for him, his brother, and most of all... the love Zach and I have that created him. It's crazy to think a tiny baby has that much power, but if any baby does, it's Ian. I'm a proud mama bear!

Feeling cool

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

I know it's not officially fall yet... but here in Pine Valley it feels it. The cool breeze, the temperature just  a tad too cold at night - you know what that means...? Summer clothes sayonara. I gotta tell you guys - I like to think I'm pretty stylish, but I have my days where jeans and an old t-shirt is exactly what I need for some me-time. Hey! We can't be glam all of the time. So... what is your favorite kind of "comfort" clothing?

Quiet

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Today represents so many horrible things to a nation, a world... and on a smaller scale... to me. The world went quiet only six short years ago when our lives changed... and today my world went quiet again when I put myself in Spike's place. The silence - excuse the pun - was deafening. In 2001, people  were shouting, running, crying - all of that seemed to happen in slow motion. Today... no shouting, there was crying, but mostly there was no sound at all when I put those earplugs in. I am not calling today a bigger tragedy than 9/11... but the parallels are sickening in my mind. My son was... in a way... terrorized by Greenlee, and he will be plagued with the end result... it's hard to believe - even though I know - that something that atrocious was magnified on a global scare just a few short years ago. I hate the quiet. And I hate that we all have to live in it sometimes... or for my son, all of the time.

Mark my words

Monday, September 10, 2007

I am such a horrible mother. I almost killed my own son with those damn vitamins. Why was I so easily fooled? I'm such an idiot. I feel like every decision, every thought I have is wrong lately. I wanted Spike to be cured so badly... he could have died. My God... My baby almost didn't make it into this world, then he was tossed from that damn car... and now... I've been feeding him something his body reacted to like poison. This should have never happened. Never. And it's because of Greenlee. I take some blame - but I would have never even met Hilliard if that woman didn't contact him. Why can't she just stay away from me, my family, my son... Spike cannot go through this again. He's just a year old, and I will never let him be in the line of fire ever again.

Trench Coat

Friday, September 7, 2007

I'm writing to you guys before I head on back to the living room wearing a trench coat with a surprise underneath for my man. Hope he enjoys it. And I hope you all have a fantastic weekend.

Recharge

Thursday, September 6, 2007

When you're having a terrible day (remember how well it started out?) and you don't know where to turn for some strength, here's a suggestion: Take a look at an innocent baby. Even with Ian all tangled up in wires and tubes and being confined in that plastic box - he's a miracle. And just watching him, no matter how tiny, he reminds me to keep on fighting, to have some hope and faith and to be strong for my children. We all could use that sort of recharge every once in a while. That's why I brought Ryan, and I assume that's why Annie and Zach were there. We all need a little reminder of what we're all fighting so damn hard for.

Sue me

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

I believe Hilliard can treat Spike. So why wouldn't I try this treatment that Hilliard is recommending? Look... I'm not some crazy insensitive woman  who thinks if you have a disability your life is over. It's not.  But a lot of people out there think that makes you a target. It's cruel and terrible, but it's a reality. And I'd rather not have my son have to put up with all of that garbage and hate.  It's natural to want your child to have the best life possible.  But is he going to feel left out when he can't wear his cochlear implant in a pool at his friend's pool party? Yes.  How about when he's at school and the class bully is looking to make himself feel better so he picks on the deaf kid? This world can be a mean place... and I just want to find the "fix-it" to make it a happier one for Spike. But that's never going to happen if Zach and Ryan and everyone else who seems to have an opinion keeps interfering in Hilliard's treatment. I just want the best outcome to a bad situation. Sue me.

Tuesday

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

I usually hate Tuesdays. I don't know why. Maybe because it's kind of a nothing day. But today... was a great day. I love Zach. I never thought I could feel the way he makes me feel. And the way he loves me... it's perfect. Nothing is ever perfect - but his love is the exception. He feeds me hope just by being around and looking at me the way he does. I am hopeful that Spike will be cured, and I am hopeful that Ian will grow and grow and grow until he is safe at home with us... and I am hopeful that our family is going to be the happiest place on earth very soon. Maybe it was the long weekend. Maybe it's the end of summer... could be a whole lot of reasons the sky seems bluer and life seems brighter... but for me, I'm pretty sure Zach's the one and only reason things are looking up for us.