Shower of Love

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Ian's still so small, and he has all of those bandages around his tiny head... Thank God he made it through the surgery. I prayed so hard and I was so scared. We're all scared, but I feel like everything I do is wrong lately. If I help one son, it's like I'm neglecting the other... I know that's not really true, but that's what it feels like. I should have been here for my baby. Ian's being so tough and he's got a puddle for a mom. I wish he were still inside me, growing, safe... He keeps getting hurt it feels like. He's just a baby... why do so many thing in his life have to go wrong?

I hope Joe's right about me, and I really hope Ian feels how much I love him. Of course I love him to pieces... I just should have been here. I keep chanting "Ian's going to beat this" over and over in my head. He just has to. He still has so many people in our family to meet and play with... He needs to have a full life ahead of him. Please, God, let him at least have the chance...

Comments

[Tigereye]

Kendall,

Of course Ian is going to be fine, but he needs BOTH his parents support. I'm not saying ignore Spike, but I am saying that you have two kids who need you, and a husband who's exhausted and scared. You also need to take care of yourself. So, spend time with both your boys and pace yourself.

[CindyK]

Kendall,

Ian's got the Kane genes going for him just like his older brother...but he's also got the fight of Slater in him as well. Like Zach said today some cultures believe our ancestors are watching over us...I for one believe Amelia is watching over your Ian...and Mona too.

[MrsK]

Kendall,

My heart continues to break for Ian, Zach, Spike and of course, you. You'll get through this as a family...that hug said it all...but you also need to balance more time for Ian.

Ian's gonna make...he's already survived heart surgery and now brain surgery...and as Dr. Delano said that's no small feat.

[HalfPint]

Kendall,

Every couple needs to clear the air now and then...and with both you and Zach overextended with lack of sleep and keeping watch over your children it was long overdue.

I don't think I've ever seen Zach so angry with you...my heart broke for little Ian, Zach and you, too. While I know everyone is a little frazzled right now trying to take care of two very ill children...you were finally able to voice what your subconscience is telling you...that you have been spending a lot less time with Ian. Hopefully, now that you realize that that will change. Ian needs his mommy too.

Loved how you talked to him and were able to tell Ian that every child should hear his mother's voice. Ian can hear you and so will Spike. There are many ways to communicate...sound is just one of them. And as you stated and that hug today showed...Zendall will get through this as a family.

[Donna C.]

You are doing great.

[Barb NY]

Kendall..Ian is tough and he is a fighter. You have to remember that his condition is much more serious than Spike's because it is life threatening. Spike's life will be different than it was because he can't hear but his condition is not life threatening. He has Ryan and Annie as well as you and Zach to care for him. Ian has only you and Zach. Until he is much better and bigger you must be there for him. You can't neglect him. His improvement depends on a lot of things especially his mother's love and support. Give him your love and attention and whatever more you can so he has that chance for a full life. Give Zach your love and support also and be his true partner.

[Jules]

Kendall, please talk to someone about how you're feeling, either a professional or Zach, because you are beating yourself up way too much, and this can't be healthy for you. I've never doubted that you love Ian, but I do want to see you spend more time with him. Zach and Ian needed you, and you weren't there, but that's got to change, starting now. As hard as it is, you have to try to spend more time with Ian and not go running back to Spike. And above all, you cannot listen to a doctor who wants you to spend all your time and energy on Spike, because he will pull you away from Ian even more. Please share your feelings with someone. Zach will support you, I promise.

[Jules]

Kendall, please talk to someone about how you're feeling, either a professional or Zach, because you are beating yourself up way too much, and this can't be healthy for you. I've never doubted that you love Ian, but I do want to see you spend more time with him. Zach and Ian needed you, and you weren't there, but that's got to change, starting now. As hard as it is, you have to try to spend more time with Ian and not go running back to Spike. And above all, you cannot listen to a doctor who wants you to spend all your time and energy on Spike, because he will pull you away from Ian even more. Please share your feelings with someone. Zach will support you, I promise.

[Anne]

Kendall, I believe God will not let Ian die. He's been thru so much already and he's a fighter like you and Zach. He will pull thru this.

It must be hell for you having to choose which son to be with, I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Zach was scared and alone and needed you so he had to let out what he was feeling or he'd explode. He knows you really love Ian and want to be with him. He overheard you talking to Ian.

Now stay in each other's arms, your support of each other will get you and your boys thru this and home where they belong.

[Becky, Brandon, MS]

I hate it for you, Kendall, but you needed that little jolt to bring you back into the real world. You needed to see Zach scared. You needed to know that Ian needs you,too. Now,do you see how important you are to them?Do you see WHY it's important for you to take care of yourself...to get
rest...to be on top of your game? You can't afford to go off half-cocked again. When you are tired and stressed, you don't act. You REACT...and that, dear one, is what gets you into trouble. So calm down. Let Spike heal. Let yourself heal.Let Ian grow a little. Love your family. The rest can be taken care of in time.

BTW:I love the way you bonded with little Ian yesterday...it was beautiful!

[Noel]

Kendall,

I'm sooo happy that Ian made it and am grateful that you and Zach are OK with each other.
Please listen to Ryan and do some researche on this Dr. Hillard before you let him touch Spike. Their is a chance that Spike is going to be deaf, In my last letter to you I told you that my nephew is deaf. And he is ok. life will be hard if he has no one who cares but like my nephew who has a loving family, I know that Spike will be O.K.
Take care and and Team Slater will be ok.

Noel

[Star]

I would have done the same but somehow I would let my husband know...regardless of what he's gonna say.

[Sarah]

Kendall,

I know you're scared. How could you not be? But Ian's a fighter just like his mom and dad. Being with him and giving him words of love and encouragement...that will help him get stronger.

It's understandable to feel like a puddle right now, but you're not going through this alone. You've got Zach and he needs you too. He's just as scared as you are.

Ian does feel how much you love him. He's felt you loving him to pieces while he was still inside you. You will get to hold your baby...he will beat this.

[Sheriden]

Kendall

Ian will have a chance. And you're not a bad mom either. I know you love Ian so much and that you would do anything for him, even Spike, to both of them. What you need to do is not rush things. It's not good for you or for your family. Ian is a tough Slater and because of that, he has your strength and he's not giving up. When he's out of the woods, you'll get to hold him and tell him that you love him with all your heart and soul no matter what, same for Spike, to both of your kids. You are the best mom that you can be and don't sell yourself short.

[kristin]

kendall

i know how you feel. when my son was born at 1 1/2 pounds i kept saying to god please let him be ok. i couldn't imagine what would happen if he wasn't. i couldn't touch him right away either it was so hard because you want to snuggle him and say i love you, let him get to know you. this can still be done with out touch. he does know that you love him and he will recognize your voice when you talk to him. just keep praying and he will be fine , you will be holding him in your arms before you know it. mine is 16 pounds now at 8 months old. what a miracle.