Regrets

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Am I a bad mother? But I didn't know Ian would... I can't believe I wasn't there. But everything happened so fast - Dr. Hilliard called and I was out the door soon after. I should have never turned my cell off. God, why didn't I think to... Zach... Zach looked at me like I... I have to make him understand. I didn't leave Ian knowing this was happening to him... I had no clue he'd be going into surgery. My baby's tiny head. But I knew I would only be gone for just a little while with Spike... Oh, God. Ian's in surgery and he didn't even see me before they took him in. He didn't feel me nearby. I am a horrible mother. Zach has to understand. I have to make him. I never want to see that look in his eyes again... I never want to disappoint my family. Please, Zach... come back. Please turn around and come back...

Comments

[ranger1]

Kendall, I am sure you are in shock, depressed, crazed, everything right now. Please, please either get some help or refocus. Ian needs you. Zach needs you. Stop focusing on Spike. He is fine. His deafness is tragic but his life is no longer in jeopardy. I love you bunches but please realize your entire family needs you..not just Spike. Enough okay?

[Sharon]

Zach has suffered a lot Kendall & he has needed you & Ian has needed you desperately & you haven't been there for them. I know you have your hands & your heart full right now worrying about Spike, but please try hard to connect with baby Ian & be Zach's helpmate & pull together.
Zach is always there for you & he deserves this. Ian desperately needs his Mom & you are the only one
who can do that. I know that you are going to get it together & step up & do this for your family.

[Jules]

You're not a horrible mother, Kendall. I don't fault you for intentionally leaving Ian during his latest crisis. But you did leave the hospital after you and Zach had agreed to wait, and without telling him that you'd be gone. You acted on impulse, and considering all you've gone through recently, your impulses are less trustworthy than they usually are.

For whatever reason, you haven't spent much time with Ian. Now you're trusting a doctor who wants you to ignore him completely. This isn't good. You need to recommit yourself as Ian's mother by being there for him right now, and always, and with Zach's help, you can also be there for Spike. Please stop feeling guilty, and start being Ian's mom. I've been looking forward to you and the Little Goalie connecting. Now's a great time to start.

[ZF58]

No, Kendall, you are not a bad mother. You are a desperate one, who wants nothing more than to make both her children whole and well again, no matter what. You need to slow down and think about what you are doing. Taking Spike without telling anyone, turning your phone off, not discussing any of it with Zach, those were hasty decisions that you made. Zach is very disappointed right now, but he did not and will not leave you. He loves you more than life, which is why what you did hurt so much. Talk to him, let him tell you how he feels, and work through it. Team Slater will prevail.

[CindyK]

Kendall,

Understandably, Zach is hurt, angry and disappointed. He has been at Ian's side pretty much non-stop...and when he wasn't there...he was with either you or Spike.

With Spike out of ICU in hindsight spending more time with Ian would of been a better choice...however, I certainly don't think that makes you a bad mother. I know you love both of your boys equally.

[Tigereye]

Kendall,

As much as it pains me to say, you needed and deserved what you got today. You didn't think. That's the problem. There are other people who are hurt and need support. Your support. Now, the good thing is that Zach does love you. But he's hurt right now. And yes, you do need to make him understand, but you have to be brutally honest with him and tell him everything that's going on inside of you right now. Know that Spike isn't the only one who needs you, Ian and Zach do too.

[MrsK]

Kendall,

Zach has been your rock as well as Spike's and Ian's. He's been at the hospital non-stop and definitely needed your support but more importantly so did Ian.

I don't think you are a bad mother at all...but I do think that your guilt has lead you to not make the best choices possible. Hopefully, this will make it clear that Spike is not the only one that has needs. As far as you and Zach...that bond is still unbroken...it's taken a hit but Zendall will be back stronger than ever.

[Bonnie]

Kendall, you failed your husband and Ian and us. Zach did not leave, you did. The one needed to turn around and come back is you, not him. And please, do not sound like Zach does not understand. He understands perfectly.

Please get some professional help. You have gone through a lot, and you are not the only hurt…Zach is hurting as much as you do, so do your children. He pretends strong when he is with you. Do you know he broke down completely by himself when Ian was about to have his first procedure? I bet you don’t even know.

My best wishes to you and your family. Go to Zach now. He needs you as much as you need him. Take care.

[HalfPint]

Kendall,

Ian is a fighter...and a champ just like his parents. Yes, it would of been better had you been there for Ian's surgery. Does that make you a bad mother? No, misguided maybe. Hopefully, you now understand just how fragile Ian's health is and that he needs you too.

Please also understand that Zach has been shouldering the majority of Ian's care while you and Spike were recuperating. Spike's life is not in danger any longer but Ian's very much is...which is why Zach is so hurt and angry.

Give Zach a little breathing room...he knows how much you love your boys...but you will have to change your priorities.

[Brainerd]

Kendall,

No way would I ever believe you to be a bad mother...your priorities are a skewed right now because of that load of guilt you are still carrying around. Hopefully, this will jolt you back to reality.

In time I have no doubt you and Zach will be back on track...even stronger.

While I do have reservations about Dr. Hilliard...especially after he told you your attention will have to be focused soley on Spike...I was disappointed in Ryan's attitude. He may of told Jon that he's okay with researching alternative medicines...he also had the perfect opportunity to ask any questions but didn't. His grabbing Spike from you didn't win him any points with me either. Today he was the parent who really needed to calm down...I'm so glad Joe pointed out that no security could keep a child from his own mother. Too bad Ryan didn't think of security when Greenlee was stalking the halls of PVH.

[Barb NY]

Kendall..I know that you are desperate to find answers for Spike. I also think you are consumed with guilt over Ian's condition, blaming yourself because you gave birth so early and caused his problems. You need help to make you understand why you have been acting the way you have. You have to understand that this is not your fault. Go to Zach and talk to him. Explain to him how you feel. Then go to a doctor that can help you deal with your feelings. I know you love both your sons and your husband and you need to be there for all three of them, especially Ian and Zach who need you most now. Zach loves you and will forgive you when he sees how fragile your mental state is.

[Anne]

Kendall, I have never seen that look in Zach's eyes around you. It scared me. He couldn't even touch you, which is a first. He is so hurt and scared. He feels as if you don't want to be a mother to Ian. You have to put Ian first for a change. He's the one who's life is in real danger.

You need to go after him and make him talk to you. That's the one thing that makes you two special, you always talk to each other. Do not let him clam up like he used to. You have to get him to talk no matter how bad it hurts you. You have to know what he is feeling. You have to be there for him and Ian now.

Ian survived surgery, that's great. Team Slater will get thru this, I know it. Keep the lines of communication open. You both are completely stressed out and about to collapse, hold onto each other and always remember "Always Only Us".

[Samantha]

Kendall give Zach some time. He's just worried and scared. He may pretend to me invincible, but never forget to take care of him too. He loves you more than anything. Good luck to Ian.

[MJK]

You're not a bad mother, but you made a bad decision. Zach will forgive you, but he has a right to be angry. Ian could die any day -- any moment. And you're convincing yourself he'll still be around when you get back. Back from Hilliard. Back from Spike. Back from wherever you are. Meanwhile, you'll missing precious time with Ian that you will never be able to reclaim.