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Friday, August 31, 2007
Ahhhh... it felt good to be away from incubators and hearing tests. Friends, music, Zach - not necessarily in that order. Good times. Now, I definitely thought about my sons every other second, but I wasn't completely panicked to be away from them. That's a heck of an improvement! It was almost... normal. Out on a Friday night. Actually... it was very normal. Well, cheers to a long weekend and some relaxation - like normal people do.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Did you see Zach hold Ian? Those pictures are adorable. I can't wait to see it in person. And Ian... so close to busting out of that incubator. I just know it. He's so fragile, so tiny - he's our son. Our little boy. And Zach is amazing with him. All of those worries Zach had about being a father to his own child... when he looks at Ian... those fears melt away. I used to be jealous - Julia, Dixie, anyone that stole Zach's attention from me. But... with Ian, and Spike - I become more and more in love with my husband the more he falls in love with our children. I didn't know love, parenting worked that way... but it does.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Oh, no. My son will NOT have a harder life because Ryan alienated Dr. Hilliard. I can't believe him! First, Ryan took Spike from me so he can have him 24/7, then he nearly refused to agree to some sort of solution so I could be closer to my son, and now, he's royally screwed everything up. I believe Hilliard can cure Spike's deafness. But even if I were skeptical - what if he can cure him? Parents out there: If there's even the slightest possibility you could make your child's life easier, more adjusted... wouldn't all of you take the chance? I would never put Spike in harm's way - I would be a part of every step of his recovery - but we won't ever get the chance to find out for sure "what if?" Well - I won't take no for an answer. Never have, never will. Hilliard will cure Spike's deafness, and Ryan won't get to object this time.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love you... tomorrow. Spike will be back home with Zach and me by morning, and it's the best news I've had since forever ago. Good thing we moved out of the condo - it'll be crowded with two families living there. But you know what? I'd rather hear noise all day long than have to sit in silence in that big ol' house. Knowing Spike is with me - I think I will be able to concentrate more. Scratch that... I know I'll be able to focus on the important stuff. Now if only Ian could come home...
Monday, August 27, 2007
I am losing it without my babies. I know I agreed to let Ryan take care of Spike for now, but I can't go on without being a mom - a "right there, in your face" mom - to at least one of my boys. That woman in the hospital today... at least she understood this sense of loss I feel. It's overwhelming - to be separated from your child... there is this nagging achy feeling in your arm where you should be holding them. Or you can almost hear them cry for you, but you know they aren't in the other room. Then there's the constant fear: Where are they? What if someone took him? Again. I just had to feel closer. Not as far away from that mother's love. I know that woman's child is not a replacement for either of my sons, but for a second, when I thought hard enough, I imagined how Ian would feel if I could hold him... That's it, I don't care what Ryan thinks, Spike is coming home me - today! Spike needs me, and I really need him.
Friday, August 24, 2007
I know Zach's making a whole world of sense. I get that. But I hate being away from both my babies. Every minute I'm home I'll be thinking of Ian and wondering if everything is okay, or calling Ryan to check in on Spike. I know that sounds like I am this crazy, overprotective mom whose life revolves around her children that I swore I would never be, but you know what - that is exactly who I need to be right now. Is that wrong? Or even abnormal given the circumstances? I just need to calm down, breathe a little, look in Zach's eyes and keep imagining everything will go back to normal very soon. It just has to...
Thursday, August 23, 2007
It's the summer. It's supposed to be a fun time of year. And it's so not. I have one son I can't touch and another who can't hear me, and I am sick to death of talking, complaining, freaking out about all of it. I should be 6 months pregnant with Ian and taking Spike to the park to check out the carnival or something. Instead - hospital, hospital, hospital. Please tell me your summer has been better than mine. I need to know life is good outside of these sterile walls.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Ian's still so small, and he has all of those bandages around his tiny head... Thank God he made it through the surgery. I prayed so hard and I was so scared. We're all scared, but I feel like everything I do is wrong lately. If I help one son, it's like I'm neglecting the other... I know that's not really true, but that's what it feels like. I should have been here for my baby. Ian's being so tough and he's got a puddle for a mom. I wish he were still inside me, growing, safe... He keeps getting hurt it feels like. He's just a baby... why do so many thing in his life have to go wrong?
I hope Joe's right about me, and I really hope Ian feels how much I love him. Of course I love him to pieces... I just should have been here. I keep chanting "Ian's going to beat this" over and over in my head. He just has to. He still has so many people in our family to meet and play with... He needs to have a full life ahead of him. Please, God, let him at least have the chance...
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Am I a bad mother? But I didn't know Ian would... I can't believe I wasn't there. But everything happened so fast - Dr. Hilliard called and I was out the door soon after. I should have never turned my cell off. God, why didn't I think to... Zach... Zach looked at me like I... I have to make him understand. I didn't leave Ian knowing this was happening to him... I had no clue he'd be going into surgery. My baby's tiny head. But I knew I would only be gone for just a little while with Spike... Oh, God. Ian's in surgery and he didn't even see me before they took him in. He didn't feel me nearby. I am a horrible mother. Zach has to understand. I have to make him. I never want to see that look in his eyes again... I never want to disappoint my family. Please, Zach... come back. Please turn around and come back...
Monday, August 20, 2007
A mother always knows best, right? I knew that Spike had more than one option. I knew he didn't need surgery and hospitals and intensive recovery - there is a cure out there! I believe it. I could almost feel it when Dr. Hilliard told me there is hope. Hope... that's what we've all been praying for. Now... I know it's not a sure thing... but if anyone can overcome deafness, it's Spike. He's got so many people pulling for him, and he's already proven how strong he is... this will work. I know it. It just has to...
Friday, August 17, 2007
I know Zach's skeptical of this Dr. Hilliard, but I have to believe he can fix Spike. I don't want anyone to tell me otherwise. I just have to do this for my son. I'll only be gone for a little while. I just need to hear the words... Spike can hear again.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
I keep seeing her. Greenlee is everywhere. And now, because of her, my tiny son saw me freak out and leave him. I am just so scared she is going to hurt Spike. What happened today cannot happen again. I want to feed Ian. I want to be with him all the time. And I am sick of being scared to leave any of my sons. So how do I get this fear I have out of me? How do I give both my sons the attention they deserve??
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
I am so sick of "I'm sorrys" and "this wasn't supposed to's..." Unless any of those excuses can help my children now, what's the use? Greenlee. Ha! She's sorry all right. Too little too late, sweetheart. Apologies don't work for something this huge. She's put both my children at risk. She deserves to lose it all, be stripped of everything. Feel totally barren. God, help me - if I could be the one to do that to her, I would. In a heartbeat. Because in addition to a mother's love - there's a mother's ferocity... she started a war when she made that U-turn...
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
This rage I have is taking over. I want Greenlee punished for what she did to my children, my family... what she did to me. She walked away from that accident with a few scrapes, a broken rib that healed... not enough. Not when I have one son fighting to breathe and another straining to hear absolutely nothing. She needs to pay for what she did. Two innocent babies are hurt because of her selfishness. She takes brat to a whole new level... and I think it's time justice was served.
Monday, August 13, 2007
The world is a scary place. It terrifies me most days. Not something I like to admit, but it's true. My son's world just got a whole lot scarier. It makes me want to cry, scream, rage - throw things... his world went dark after the car accident and when he woke up, his world became quiet. I hate that. I have to fix it. He's my son. He's supposed to be whole... how he was. I'm supposed to make sure his world stays safe, that his world gets bigger and better - not darker, quieter - not worse. I love Spike no matter what - that will never change. I just hope he knows how much... because it kills me he can't hear me tell him right now.
Friday, August 10, 2007
Inner monologues. Sometimes they can be intelligent debates, to-do lists, rants and raves - and sometimes inner monologues are the only conversations you can really have. That's what today was like. There's nothing new to say, no new ideas to talk about with my family. We were all just... waiting, terrified, hopeful, practical - we were all just there - prisoners of time and circumstance. So what do you do when y0u've got nothing but time? You talk to yourself. You think about the things that worry you - you think about life. That's what we all did because that's all we could do.
Thursday, August 9, 2007
I just need an answer. Something to grab onto so we can all figure out what to do next. And mainly... I need to know for sure Spike's deafness is only temporary. I mean... it has to be, right? Just a side effect that will wear off or something. God, it just has to be that. It just has to be. I need to know as soon as possible - and if Zach weren't here... My husband is brilliant: If we can't bring Spike to the equipment then bring the equipment to Spike. I love Zach more and more every day and if he weren't here... I don't even know if I'd be standing. I just have to keep telling myself that tomorrow will tell us everything we need to know... tomorrow will be a better day.
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
So... tired. But I have to stay awake for Spike. I want to make sure he feels my love, knows he doesn't need to be afraid of anything. I keep telling myself - "It's just a boo-boo; Spike will be fine." What if it's more than a temporary thing? Part of me believes if I go to sleep this will all go away, like some bad dream. But there's the other part of me that's scared to death... what if I go to sleep and something else goes wrong... with Spike or Ian - or both? What if they need me and I'm not right there? How could Greenlee do this? How could she say that she loved us and called us her family and then almost kill my children? How could anyone do something so terrible?
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
I don't even know what else to say. And I am so sick of crying. But what do I do? What does any mother do? Does anyone have advice? Something for me to try? A new way to think, feel, fix what's wrong with my babies? I keep thinking... "Did I ask for this"? "Maybe if I was a better person..."? But that's crazy, right? I have so many regrets... but none of that matters if my sons aren't okay. Nothing matters unless my sons are okay! So why can't they just be...
Monday, August 6, 2007
It never ends. My babies... there is always something that goes wrong. Surgeries and repaired organs and... now... My Spike. My baby. Every time I leave him his world goes out of whack. Greenlee waltzed in and... now, what if Spike's deaf - for good? No. No. Impossible. My son will catch a break. He's been through so much in his little life - no way something like this is for real.
Friday, August 3, 2007
As nice as it was to get outside of the linoleum hallways and bad lighting in the hospital, I can't be far away from my babies. I know it's crazy, but I feel like if I'm not there every second something wrong will happen. I'm a mom, and my children need me there. I know it's a little irrational and completely sane all at the same time - I don't know. I usually have answer - most of the time it's the wrong one - but this time... with my sons... I have no clue what I should be doing. Zach says all the right things (and he means them) to calm me down. Without him there is no way I could get through one minute of this torture. Maybe Zach's right... I can leave my sons for a little bit and have faith that everything will be okay...
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Family is what gets you through the tough times. I never really thought about having a brother, but now that I have one... I am so grateful. He's got my back, and I'd fight any dragon (Greenlee) for him. Talk to me about your brothers out there. What are they like? Mine is tenacious, cool and the best medicine for a crisis.
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
Spike woke up, Ian is holding his own... God, thank you so much for answering all of our prayers. I feel like I am finally waking up from this nightmare - I don't feel so slow, so tired or weighted down. My babies will be better than fine. I know it. I feel it. I believe in it. Miracles happen. I knew that. I've had a few in my day - but I wasn't so sure I'd get a second crack at some more. It happened, though. My babies will be two cool kids who are brothers through and through. I recently found out what it means to have one of those and I am so grateful that my children will know that same feeling.
