Kendall's Hart To Heart

Guilt

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

I feel a lot of things right now. Pain, heartache, loss, love, fear, hope, but most of all guilt. I should never have let Greenlee take Spike. What was I thinking?! I was so focused on trying to stop my contractions, I... she made me look like a fool. I trusted her with the most precious thing... my son. And look what happened? How can I ever make that up to my little boy? And then there's... every time I am next to one of my sons I feel like I'm neglecting the other one. Every time I think about Ian - I feel like I am wrong for not focusing on Spike. I love them both. I'm their mother. But I feel like a bad one for somehow always neglecting one of them. How can I be in two places at once? I need to be. But I can't.

My sons are both gifts. I just have to keep praying that even if I'm not there every moment - God is.  Zach's right - Ian's the perfect name for our little boy, because right now we're all praying God is gracious enough to let my babies heal.

Overcome

Monday, July 30, 2007

I'm so exhausted but I can't rest - not until my babies are okay. Spike's already been cut up from surgery, and now he has this terrible infection. And my newbie - he's so tiny, so fragile and he has a hole in his heart. When is enough enough? It's not fair. Greenlee is hobbling around and my children are hurt, sick - they have organs that need "repair" and all of our hearts are permanently damaged because of what she did. What do I do? I'm not a surgeon. I'm not an anti-biotic. What do my children need to make it through this whole? I love them so much - but it's not enough... it never seems to be enough. And I keep thinking if I just love harder... it'll fill the hole in his heart or get rid of the infection - but it doesn't matter. And the waiting - waiting for Spike to wake up, waiting to hear him give us his Spike-scream... waiting for my newborn to come through his surgery. His skin was so... I could see his heart beating... and it felt like mine has stopped.

Face time

Friday, July 27, 2007

I get to see my babies soon. I need to see them and be with them. Be close to Spike and my other little guy. He's so little... too little. I wish I could feed him myself - I hate that he's hooked up to all those wires and tubes and he's in that plastic box. I hated when Spike was in one - it kept me from him that much more. I don't want to be away from either of my sons - I can't.  Look what happens. I let Spike out of my sight and... I just need to see him. Know he's okay after his surgery. Having a baby is supposed to be such a happy experience - why am I cursed? Why am I so sad for my sons?

Mommy loves you

Thursday, July 26, 2007

I want to hold my babies. My precious babies. But I can't. Spike was in surgery. My other baby - I couldn't even hold him and tell him I love him before they took him away. It's all so blurry - the meds, labor, Spike on that gurney, the C-section - it's all so much to keep track of. I just want to see them and know they're okay. I want them to hear me say I love you. What if they don't know that... what if when I wake up I still can't tell them they're my world...?

Mom doesn't know best

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

It's too soon. It's way too soon for me to deliver this baby - but if I don't... My babies are in danger and there's not a damn thing I can do to fix it. I'm their mother! I should know the right answer. I should know how to protect them and make their boo-boos go away. And I am trying. I am fighting like hell to not give birth. But it's not good enough. Why isn't it good enough? Why can't I be their mommy right now. I just want to be their mommy. The mom who saves the day. The mom who always knows where her kids are. The mom who knows what the hell to do in a panic. But I guess I'm not that mom, because I don't know where Spike is, and I don't know how to keep my tiny baby inside so he'll be safe... so he'll live. But... If I lose my children I won't be any kind of mom at all...

Hit from all sides

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

My sons. My boys. They're in trouble and I don't know how to help them. I want so badly to stop the contractions, but they keep coming. As much as I would love to to see this baby, I don't want to - I want him to wait until it's safe to come into this dangerous, scary world that we're all in... that Spike's a part of. Where did Greenlee take him? Where is Spike? Why is everything so upside down and blurry in this stupid life? One of my sons is coming fast when he should stay inside and my other boy is somewhere I can't see him - what if he's hurt? What if this baby comes too early? I'm only one person - so how do I save my two babies ?

Just why

Monday, July 23, 2007

My baby. Why is this happening? The pain has stopped  - but what if... what if it doesn't? My pregnancy was normal up until now - why? Why now? Why to us?  Spike had such a rough start - why does this baby... Just why? Can anyone answer me that? This baby represents a whole new, beautiful world for Zach and me and Spike - please don't take our world away...

Prayer

Friday, July 20, 2007

Oh, God. This pain is killing me - the baby can't come now. It's too soon. My little whosit isn't anywhere near ready to be born. I cannot lose this baby - I love my child. And baby Slater represents so much hope and amazing-ness for Zach and me and everyone. I just have to pray - pray to God, pray to the patron saint of whatever that my innocent baby will be okay... that my child will make it through...

Road Trip

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Not that what Babe, Greenlee and I are doing is exactly a road trip - but we are on the road and taking a trip to NYC. I have my fingers and toes crossed, and I'm pretty sure I prayed to a saint or two to guarantee this concept launch will be a huge hit. But today - Greeenlee and I were so simpatico... It felt like a vacation even though it is totally this intense business trip. But it got me thinking - have any of you out there ever taken a road trip with the gals? What was your best all girl getaway?

It’ll all be fine

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

It’ll all work out. So what we don’t have our signature model? And that it’s three women and a baby. We’ll manage, right? Spike is adorable and we already have Ava’s promo to endorse Fusion Green as amazing. It’ll all be okay. It would just be better if I weren’t pregnant right now and could drink a gallon size jug filled with strawberry margarita. That would make this campaign a hit – or at least to me. Oh, God – what if it doesn’t work out?

Reunited

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

I know there are a lot of skeptics out there when it comes to Greenlee and me, but I know we’ve found our magic – maybe it was really in that old pot in the condo’s kitchen. Hey, if that thing can cook up something as amazing as Fusion – it can fuse us back together, too. Today was just like old times - she was right there when I needed her to support me. I lean on her, she leans on me – that’s how it’s meant to be. I’m so happy to have my best friend/partner in crime back. So let’s keep the negativity to a minimum, my lovely friends out there in cyberspace, because I’m in a good mood since reunited feels so good.

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

Monday, July 16, 2007

That was the best sleepover ever! Like I told the girls today – I never wanted my friends to come to my house growing up. I never wanted them to see how “common” we were. But – today was proof that I was the one who missed out. There’s nothing like a bunch of your close friends sitting around, gabbing, sharing and just being there for each other. I know it probably sounds silly or maybe it just sounds so obvious, but it was so great to feel like we’re all in this together. Hey, who knew one of my bonding session ideas would actually work?

Momentum

Friday, July 13, 2007

My bionic pregnancy phase has an endless shelf life. The shoot was a total success - it hit some bumps, but Ava pulled one out of who-knows-where and who-really-cares. We are so golden when we hit New York - as long as we don't stop the momentum. There's so much more to do, no time to rest. I know sleepovers are supposed to be gab-fests not non-stop work, but we do what we have to, right? I just hope being together energizes us - but I'm really afraid too much hang-time between some employees is going to burn us all out and crash the campaign.

Potential

Thursday, July 12, 2007

So how many of you out there deserve a promotion? Deserve to be in charge of more than paper clips or copy machines? I know. I know. At some point in all of our lives we were that person - the assistant instead of the boss, the associate instead of the head honcho - and the whole time you (and me) knew we could "so" do the job. Well, as the big cheese now, I look for potential in the people I work with whom I know I can count on. Dani was just an intern at first, but she ended up a Fusionite like the rest of us. And today... I made sure I didn't lose an amazing employee because of an "oversight." I'll admit, at first I wasn't an Amanda fan - but when ConFusion's caterers were a no-show and she improvised to make opening night a tasty success - she showed me up. I know she has JR on the brain, but Fusion needs her and I think she needs Fusion. Hopefully your bosses out there know you're worth it -if not come work for me. 

We're going to be a hit

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

I have such an amazing feeling about this campaign. My gut totally says this is a touchdown - or that could just be the baby kicking again. We're going to be clocking hours nonstop until the concept launch in NY, but it will be worth it. I feel it. I don't know if I've been this confident about a pitch since we started Fusion in my kitchen. It all comes full circle... doesn't it? Nothing can stop Fusion from soaring into stratosphere. Not this time.

Stroke of genius

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Zach is a genius. He’s so brilliant he doesn’t even know it when the words come out. Ava can totally do night and day for Fusion. Okay. Maybe Zach didn’t come up with the actual concept, but he’s the best damn muse I've ever had. I was totally freaking out that Fusion would be kaput – and Zach swooped in and did something so sweet and so unexpected – how cute were those shirts today? Can I love him any more? Well, maybe tonight – I’ll show him just how much.

Her heart will go on

Monday, July 9, 2007

Greenlee’s crushed. Did you see her? It’s one thing to have everyone tell you that you’re wrong. “Ryan loves Annie.” “Ryan’s over you.” But that moment – the one where you say it to yourself… it is so hard. I remember when it dawned on me that Ryan moved on – the tears, feeling shattered – and some of the things I did to get back at them for being happy… I just want to be there for Greenlee, but she refused me. How can you make heartbreak go away and get to the other side? How do you get over love painlessly?

The circus is in town

Friday, July 6, 2007

I am living in a circus. Am I the only one who realizes that? I admit, I gobbled up the time Zach and I spent at the Chandlers' today – but it all felt a little surreal. Ousting JR and Adam from their own company, owning their house… it’s like a weird dream I didn’t even know I had. Okay… Fine... But the whacky life I have doesn’t just stop there. At Fusion it’s a freakin’ free-for-all. Ava posing as Lily…Greenlee and Annie ready to kill each other... How is any sane person supposed to get any work done under these circumstances??

Odds and Ends

Thursday, July 5, 2007

You ever have “clean-up” days? You know… days where you run errands, get the stuff you don’t normally get to done? Well, after yesterday’s successful (by the end at least) brainstorming I had to spend a little time with my step-sister and try to convince Lily she is PERFECT as the Face of Fusion Green. The whole concept is about natural beauty, fresh, clean – Lily!!! It took some finesse, but I think with a few adjustments to the photo shoot she’ll be completely comfy in front of a camera. I can smell success. And victory – the Chandlers have been officially smacked down. The look on JR and Adam’s faces when I showed up ready to renovate… Lily’s face is “green” and their expressions were priceless. I am having a fantastic day.

Happy Independence Day!

Wednesday, July 4, 2007

Team building exercises did diddly. Wouldn’t you say? There was so much non-stop sniping and distrust (Ahem, Greenlee and Annie) that the whole DVD I bought was a waste. But in the end – the verrrrrry end – we discovered something. I hardly remember how it happened – I know Babe and Amanda started the snowball rolling and we all grabbed on and created a huge idea. Day and Night. Both sides of the coin. Fresh and Fancy. We all have different sides to ourselves – we have the casual, natural side and the glam side, too. This is gonna be big. I can smell Fusion’s success blasting us off into the black. As long as Greenlee and Annie can survive working for a common cause other than Ryan… Happy Independence Day!

I've got it covered

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

Okay. Obviously this "arrangement" is not working for anyone. Greenlee is a partner in Fusion so she's not going anywhere. Annie is worth her weight in platinum at Fusion, so I won't let her go anywhere. Annie is Spike's step-mom and Greenlee is my - almost again - friend. And Ryan, Greenlee and I have more history than a high school textbook...  so - I have a little something up my sleeve. Tune in tomorrow to find out just what.

Make me a match

Monday, July 2, 2007

Ryan kissed Greenlee?! No wonder the girl is still coo-coo for coconuts for the guy. Hello… Hope? Here’s Greenlee, and she won’t let go. She needs a distraction – someone to get her mind off the Ryan factor and focus on fun. Maybe Josh was a mistake – maybe not – but Greenlee needs to let her hair down with a non-Lavery. The sooner the obsession ends the better off Fusion will be. So who should I set Greenlee up with?