All My Children: Kendall's Hart To Heart

TV Time

Friday, March 30, 2007

I am so looking forward to a nice, peaceful weekend. Put my feet up, spend some quality time with my two favorite men, and maybe even watch a little TV. I have some stuff on my DVR I want to catch up on. I've been recording Grey's Anatomy and I'm really getting into it. I know I'm showing up a little late to the party - but at least I'm catching up. Dancing With The Stars is a lot of fun to watch... well, what have you all been tuning in to see during the week (or catch up on the weekends like me)?

I wish it would rain

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Hannah made it. We never knew what happened to her, if she was okay – alive. Alexander has hurt so many people – way before this year. He tortured his children, the people around him, killed his own wife – he controlled so many people’s lives and tried to destroy them all. I keep having nightmares about him. I don’t tell Zach. I think he knows. He has them himself. But I keep picturing those damn gardenias… I hate anything satin… He’s so sick. Zach had to die to live, Hannah had to fall of the face of the earth to survive and Simone, Erin, Dixie... lost their lives in some sick game. How could that monster treat human life as if it didn’t matter – as if people were put in this world for his use. How can he still be with me in my gut when I hear a weird sound or I stay at the office late and the sadness washes over me. How can I wash him away – from my life, from Hannah’s from Zach’s. How do we get clean?

Getting a load off

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Erica can be the biggest pain in the butt. It’s true. Bianca knows it. I sure as hell know it. And Josh has learned it – the hard way – the way Bianca and I have: She interfered in his love life. We get it. We’ve been through it. We hated it, too. But she’s got this depressing divorce happening today and she has always (even when you want to throttle her) loved us. Why can’t Josh just be there for her when she really needs him. I know. It took me years and a million colossal tantrums to get to this semi-Zen place with my mother – but can’t Josh just get there already? He’s so damn stubborn. Like his mother – and both of his sisters.

For the record – like I said at Fusion today, there is no room for hate or bigotry in this world. I don’t like Bianca getting closer to Zoe, but that’s me being overprotective my sister’s getting involved with an extremely complicated situation that could get her heart stomped on in the process. But the way that man treated Zoe today? It’s outright wrong. Hurtful. Unnecessary. And sorely lacking in logic. People should get over their own hang-ups and let everyone else just be who they are. Who put that creep in charge of treating people like crap? A soul is a terrible thing to waste – don’t ask anyone to cover theirs up and lose yours in the process.

Soulmates

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

I don’t know what to feel. I want my mother to be happy. She’s funny, caring, gorgeous, radiant – she’s pretty much the perfect woman, and I can’t believe she’s my mother most days, but… above all else, she loves Jack. It’s so obvious. And Jack loves her… for who she is. All of the amazing, successful "fantastic" she is and all of the stubbornness, too. When they are together it’s… they are just meant to be. I want my mother to be happy and in love and feel as amazing as I do every day when I wake up next to Zach. She and Jack – I truly believe are written in the stars. I hope they find their way back to each other.

History Lesson

Monday, March 26, 2007

I get a lot of responses every day on this blog (thank you for that, BTW), and I can’t always post all of them. I apologize; but I want all of you to know I do read every single comment. I’ve been getting some that I wanted to take the time to talk about instead of just “post,” especially after being with Zach today. So here goes…

My husband loved his son. I know some of you don’t believe that – but you have to know Zach to get why he treated Ethan the way he did. Zach was pretty much abused by his father growing up – emotionally scarred even now. Zach was always so afraid for Ethan. I didn’t see it that way at first either. So I can totally understand why some of you feel the way you do. But in Zach’s own way he thought he was saving Ethan from a life filled with all things Cambias, which until recently and not even completely – Zach thought was ten shades of evil. Zach faked his own death to get out from under all that filth. That’s how much he believed the Cambias name and all that goes with it would stain anyone it touched. Zach has so many regrets, and they’re making him terrified he’ll make a mistake with our new baby. Luckily, I have enough faith for the both of us that he’ll be the best daddy this little bambino could hope for…

We all have regrets. Trust me, I’m chock-full. So please don’t judge Zach so harshly. Look at how hard he is trying not to repeat the past. Look at how deep his love is - for me, for Spike, for this new baby already... Look at the man he truly is today. The man I love unconditionally.

Where’s your party hat?

Friday, March 23, 2007

Well the cat is officially out of the bag… well, in this case it’s a baby. Erica knows Zach and I are expecting – and now everyone knows. Congratulations all around – yada yada. Well, at least my mother didn’t stab Zach again – that was a definite plus. But Little Mimo looked so pretty for her b-day today. Did you see my adorable niece?

Every party we throw has its share of awkwardness – Barbara and my mother, Zoe – and Zach... he’s still upset. Okay... upset isn’t the right word – he’s haunted, scared. I know he regrets how he treated Ethan – it’s always on his mind. But with the new baby… he’s just so unsure of himself. He’s a great dad already, and he’s just going to get better at it with time. I know it. He just needs to.

For every action there’s an opposite reaction

Thursday, March 22, 2007

What did I do? I was just so angry – so annoyed at the whole Annie, Ryan, Ryan, Annie thing – and how she was verbally assaulting me... But now I have to work with her?! I’m a flippin’ moron. Both of us have to see each other every three minutes. Damn! At least she had the sense to know she and Ryan would be this huge crash and burn. He’s obviously not as into her as she is into him – how could that kind of marriage ever work? And what’s so weird about me chiming in about who that yutz wants to marry. He’s the father of my son – I am the definition of interested party. So I don’t care what Miss “Annie get a clue” thinks – Ryan is my business.

Heading them off at the pass

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Yeah. I know. I am totally un-PC – and I probably sounded offensive to most of you – but I just don’t want my sister to get hurt. And dating a transgender person in transition… it’s bound to happen. There’s way too much baggage to sort through. Even for Bianca... And I don’t care what my little sister  says – she has moonlight and flowers on the mind when it comes to Zoe. She can deny deny deny – but Bianca’s face is brighter than a spotlight every time she sees Zoe. But what am I going to do? I need Bianca at Fusion and I don’t want my sister angry at me. So… fine. Zoe’s hired. How do you spell d-i-s-a-s-t-e-r?

The nerve…

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

I was gonna kick Jon’s you know what today. It’s amazing how short term everyone’s memory is when it comes to their own. It wasn’t so long ago that Jon was blowing up caves and holding me hostage – and he has the nerve to blame Zach for something he didn’t even do. Alexander is the sick twist in this – not Zach. All Zach ever did was have the good sense to escape the freakin’ madman – you’d think Jonathan LAVERY would know from evil fathers.

Brotherly love

Monday, March 19, 2007

Being preggers, I’ve been thinking a lot about family. Growing up, I was the only kid – all Kendall, all the time. How it should be, right? Ha. And now I have a whole slew of siblings. So… for today, I wanted to write a little ditty about my newest brother – Josh. It’s been less than a year, and we’re pretty tight. How? All a blur. I just know... I hardly ever let people get to know the real me but I’ve definitely shown my true colors to Josh. I accept him for the all good and the bad – and he does the same. We’ve got a ton in common. Maybe that’s why we argue so much. We’re both determined, stubborn, smart, courageous, loyal, passionate... Yeah, he’s got the Kane thing down. And I’m glad. I hope Spike grows up to be a lot like his Uncle, because then I know little Amelia Bianca or Zachary Ethan will have the coolest brother to count on. Just like I do.

TGIF

Friday, March 16, 2007

I cannot wait for the weekend. What about you guys? Any plans? Hitting the town? Staying in with your special someone? Play dates? Or date dates? What do you all have on your social calendar?

Bonkers for Babies

Thursday, March 15, 2007

I am ga-ga for babies. When I was pregnant with Spike life was so different. Last year at this time… well I was going to put him up for adoption. Ryan and I were fighting like cats and dogs, and I couldn’t picture myself as a mother if my life depended on it – until my life did depend on it and being a mom was the only thing I wanted to be. I love Spike – and I cannot even imagine what my life would be like right now if he weren’t in it – but this baby is a whole new ballgame. I know (sorta) what to expect during the next nine months, and I’m thrilled. Not the puffy ankles, nightmares of belly-button balloons and throwing up part – but everything else. There’s no doubt this time around, so I’m going to enjoy the journey. This may sound really crazy – and I’m by no means a pain junkie – but I am really looking forward to giving birth. I wasn’t conscious with Spike, but this time I’ll be pushing and breathing and screaming with Zach (maybe at him a little bit, too) during labor. In some ways this is my very first pregnancy, and in others I feel like a veteran. How’s that for a “New Beginning”?

My Romance

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Could I have asked for a more perfect husband? Did you see those belly button ballons? Zach remembered! And he gave me the key to our future – to us. God, I love Zach so much. And I can already see how this baby has changed him – he loves this little bundle. Zach’s eyes were twinkly. Not distant like they’ve been since… well, you know the recent past. Romance comes in many shades, but the only thing I find romantic nowadays is my husband.

Peeling away the power

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

I just know this baby is a fresh start for Zach and me. I feel it in my fingertips that’s how much I believe in us, in our future, in this little boy or girl. Zach needs to get there – he needs to feel it too. This baby will never be a weapon for Alexander. He or she will be just the opposite – exactly what we need to make a clean break and put that freak behind us. We have nothing but future to look forward to from here on out. No more scary past creeping up on us. No more bad dreams and night sweats. Just love and family and hope. More of us. Zach is so good and so noble – and Cambias should be his. It has Ethan’s life’s work, Bianca’s good nature and Ryan’s brains all infused into it – and Zach is the next best thing to happen to an institution that freed itself from its past – an origin filled with greed and power. Just like Zach! He survived his father, and what better way to stick it to Alex than to prove his company survived him, too.  I have to make Zach understand – otherwise he’ll always feel haunted by his father. We have to strip that old psycho of everything – just like he tried to do to us.

Focusing on the bright spots

Monday, March 12, 2007

That crazy, sick, sadistic SOB. So now Zach’s father is trying to play us all from behind a jail cell. God, I hope that man rots. He’s pushing all of Zach’s buttons and I don’t really know how to push back. Alexander’s evil knows no bounds – he’s hiding behind his rapist pig son to further this vicious plan of his to keep Zach under his thumb. Well, he can do his worst – he already has – and you know what came out of all of that hurt, and ache, and death – a brand new life. Hope for the future. That’s what’s going to get Zach out of this stranglehold his father had around him. Our child. I just pray he sees it that way, too.

Over the moon!!

Friday, March 9, 2007

A baby! Can you believe it?! This is amazing. The perfect end to a terrible dream. Oh my God. Kendall the mom, part two. This is what we need. Right? This baby is what Zach needs. Totally. I know it.  He'll be over the moon. A little mini-us. Wow. A baby. I just keep thinking how wonderful, amazing, spectacular... and right about now how corny I sound. This time around will be so different. With Spike there was a secret that snowballed into oodles of uncertainty... well you know the rest. But here. Now. This baby happened because of a different kind of love. Spike is totally going to have a little brother or sister.  How do I tell Zach? Will he just know by looking at me? Am I glowing yet? What is the perfect way to tell the man of my dreams, he keeps making my dreams come true?

Expecting?

Thursday, March 8, 2007

Do you think I could be? Pregnant? I mean it’s possible – but really? I wish this damn stick would turn whatever the hell it’s supposed to turn – what does the box say? Plus sign – 2 sticks – blue? What? I am so freaking out right now. Not in a bad way – but in an “I hate having to wait” way. One more minute! I’ve looked at the damn wand about 37 times by now. Could I really be expecting?

Breaking through

Wednesday, March 7, 2007

Talk about breakthroughs. Well… Sort of. Erica hasn’t come around about Zach – but I think I got her to see a little bit more of the Zach I understand. The Zach I love. He’s not Alexander. I know he’s not. And I’m not my father, either. But I know what thinking you are feels like - and that stain lasts awhile, but it does wash away. How? Time. And he has as much as he needs with no pressure from me. And he needs a lot of love. And he has all I have to give. Love is what saved me all those years ago. Bianca, Erica – we’ve come light years from back then. I may have come to town like this tough as nails teenager who let no one into her heart – but it’s because I allowed people like Bianca, Erica and Zach to permanently crash there that I survived back then and now… thinking of them and Spike kept me going. I wouldn’t be here today without them in my life. And I’m so glad I got the chance to tell them that.

Homeward bound

Tuesday, March 6, 2007

We made it. There were times I thought Zach and I wouldn’t, but the good guys won. I can’t seem to shake the fear out of me though. I know Zach’s father is in custody, but the anxiety and panic is still with me. I keep seeing these flashes of gardenias, and gunfire, and Zach on the ground begging for my life and it’s just freaking me out. But then I snap out of it and focus on Zach. He’s my safe harbor. My life was totally on the line and Zach fought for me – for our future. I love him. He’s saved my life in so many ways so many different times – but this – having to beat his father – it pushed every button Zach has and I have to hope he’ll be able to move on from it. That we all will.