All My Children: Kendall's Hart To Heart

Cashing in the chips

Monday, February 26, 2007

This sucks. I am totally freaking out. I’ve tried to call Zach every two minutes. I’m wearing a flippin’ hole in the carpet from pacing around this dump – I just want Zach here. With me. Safe. I always feel so safe when he’s around. And I know, if I were just with him right now, he’d be safe too. I’ve pictured the good, bad and the downright f-ugly but what I can’t picture is a future without Zach in it. I won’t even think of it. I’ve fought damn hard for a lot of things in my life, but I will kick, scream, pray – I will sell my soul if it means Zach will come back to me. I can’t lose him…

Please come back to me

Friday, February 23, 2007

Zach will come back to me. He has to. We're going to beat this thing... I just know it. God, I know it...

Out of hiding

Thursday, February 22, 2007

H-oly – wow. The coffin is… empty. But how? Why? That sick, twisted piece of slime did all of this? He tortured Zach as a child – then murdered my friends - that SOB did all of this just to screw with Zach’s head. I swear… if I get within an inch…I’ll tear him to shreds. How could Alexander do this? How could anyone be so vile and cruel and evil – just pure evil. Women, children – they all took this man’s anger, his abuse – he’s a freakin’ coward. You hear me? You’re a coward if you’re out there Alexander! A worthless, spineless bully who preys on innocent people to make yourself seem powerful, in control – sane. Well, I’m not falling for your kinda of crazy. I’ll take you on. With Zach. Come on out – because we’ve just begun to fight.

Stays in Vegas...

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Sonny and I hit Vegas – the jackpot – not so much. I know the reason we’re down here is tragic and sick, but for once, Zach and I managed to regain some control of our lives – take away some of this sicko’s power by being in charge. Instead of constantly feeling hunted, and at every step looking over my shoulder – I can breathe for a few minutes. I can be lost in a sea of insanity down here in Vegas rather than be singled out by a homicidal psycho at every twist and turn in PV.  Who knew what happens in Vegas is comfort??  If I didn’t have Spike – I might consider permanently changing my name to “Mrs. Suarez.”

What happens in Vegas??

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

JR almost blew this all to hell. Part of me wanted to come clean, tell him about Babe – but the rest of me knows her survival has to stay between us – for now. I know JR’s hurting, but who knows how he’ll react. The guy’s a loose cannon, and we can’t work with any more variables. Why can’t we figure this out? It’s so frustrating… and terrifying. We’re on borrowed time... and it’s running out. So… Zach and I are headed to Vegas. Not exactly sure what’s down there for us – but hopefully we’ll uncover some secret – some clue that will tell us who this sicko really is and how to stop the misery. The only thing is: Vegas?? That place is swarming with questionable people – so how do we find a needle in a haystack of sin?

End result

Monday, February 19, 2007

Sometimes you have to do something you really hate to get something you need. The end justifies the means… that sort of thing. This time: I really hate lying. No. I’m serious. Bianca and Krystal – even JR… I know what they’re going through. I’ve felt the pain they’re feeling. The loss, the grief. And I know how hurt they’ll be at first when they realize they’ve mourned someone who isn’t even gone. But as painful as the heartache is – it ends. And I have to focus on that. Babe made it! She’s alive – and she’ll give everyone she loves a ton of hope and a huge dose of happiness when they get to see her face again…

I’m really amazed by Josh. And I am so glad he’s my brother – because there is nothing that guy wouldn’t do to protect the people he loves. He’s a Kane all right. He and I may get into it every other minute, but there’s a lot of love there… He just has all this heart – and Babe is damn lucky to be getting the biggest chunk of it. I never thought I’d believe that… but Josh loves that woman with every cell in his body, and I know what that kind of love is like… not even “death” can stop it.

Rock and a hard place

Friday, January 16, 2007

I’m kinda glad I’m not at the funeral. Been to a few too many the past few weeks. And all of those amazing people are being put through this torture – grieving. I called Palmer a few times the past few weeks just to make sure he’s holding up, taking care of himself. I know how much Dixie meant to him. She meant so much to so many people I love. Tad… he’s heartbroken. Shredded inside. And JR. He’s gotta be broken up, and I just… I just hope he makes it through this without hurting himself or someone else in the process. I have to believe in that right now.

Babe… I hated the girl for so long it’s weird to think about her in such a nice way. She must have been terrified in those last few seconds… I try to picture it – why? I don’t really know. Maybe preparation for something I hope I never have to go through… but all I see is this one image… her eyes going wide. I can’t imagine anything else. Maybe it’s better that way. Maybe this will be okay… soon.

Tortured

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Hannah… the killer? I don’t know what to believe. If that even makes any kind of sense in this insane sort of way. I guess anything is possible – but she’d have to be royally messed up in the head to start killing people because of Ethan. But then again whoever is doing this is obviously sick in the head – sanity’s so not this creep’s strong suit. All of this is just too much to go through… especially Zach. Every memory is as if he’s swallowing shards of glass. Zach’s positive he’s responsible for his mother’s death. Do you know how that tears him up? And remembering Ethan… and Hannah, and all that his father denied him… This killer isn’t just killing – he or she is stripping the survivors down to their bones before annihilating whatever tiny something we still hold onto to keep slogging through the pain… to just keep living. Yesterday Zach and I were brighter than a spotlight, and today – we’re back to being tortured…

All you need is love

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

So lately I've been talking a lot about fear, loss, tears - heartache - all the good things in life. Ha! But today is Valentine's Day - in case you live under a rock with wi-fi - and I really want to talk about (drum roll, please) love. I've lost a ton of things in my life - too many to even name - but I definitely found true love with Zach. After a horrible yesterday, he made my today so absolutely amazing. Who knew disco bowling could really get you in the mood? You should all try it. 

You know, I used to think love was being in control, testing the person to make sure they care, but it's actually the complete opposite when it's the real deal. I love Zach - all of him -  the good, the not so great and especially all the wonderful.   

I hope all of you have love and laughter to get you through today and all the tomorrows that come after it. Happy Valentine's Day. :-)

The only thing left

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

That's it. The world is crashing down on all of us. Babe - I don’t know what to.... Babe... is gone? I never liked the girl - really. I mean I pretty much hated her guts until maybe a few days ago - but this... her little boy... I'm the only one left in this sicko's sights. I've lost almost everything. My company, my friends, my sense of security… power - I've lost my son. My only son. How does someone do that? How do I get past that? Handing Spike to Ryan - knowing today may be the last day I see my baby... I don’t want to talk about it. I need Zach. He's all I have left right now. The only thing...

Something's up

Monday, February 12, 2007

Okay. So I sicced my mother on Josh and Bianca. But to be fair… I have a ton going on. My son is camped out in my hotel room while his dads are chasing a serial killer. Dealing with Erica is so not on my to-do list right now. And Bianca totally has a thing for Zoe. Can she spell trouble?? I’ll give her a hint – it starts with a capital “T.” She won’t admit it, but it’s written all over her face. And she sent Maggie packing! Just proves my point. I can only imagine how mother reacted – she must have flipped when she saw the sparks. All right – so we both have problems right now… and neither of us needs Erica in our faces. Oh, God. I am begging you – please, please, please let Zach, Ryan and Tad catch this guy before something else happens. I have a bad feeling…

Time goes by so slowly

Friday, February 9, 2007

They just have to be okay. Zach. Ryan. Tad. This creep is still out there, setting up meetings, sending me notes. I am not leaving the love of my life. I won’t do it. Not ever, and damn well not when Zach needs me the way he does. God. I need him too. I wish they didn’t go on a blind date with this whackjob – who knows what this sick twist has up his sleeve. So what do I do? I just sit here and wait… and hope.. and pray that this will all be over soon. Oh, my sweet Spike – his daddies have to come back… they just have to.

Where's my happy ending?

Thursday, February 8, 2007

No. No. No. This has to be over. The bad guy’s in jail and Spike can come back home with me. That’s how this story ends. That’s how I’m making it end. I don’t want to be away from my son. And I don’t want someone else raising him. I played bait so we could end this thing – so we can all reclaim our lives again. Spike is my baby boy – he just has to be with me... he just has to.  

Just one last thing…

Wednesday, February 7, 2007

All right. So sometimes I do things that even surprise the hell out of me. Like today. I actually meant it - I would help Babe – I feel bad for the girl. Yes, we caught the killer. But that doesn’t erase the fact that a murderer has been on the loose after Babe and me for months now. He even poisoned her food. But since Dani is still in Hawaii, well, there aren't many of us left. I’m not saying I love the girl, or even particularly like her – but she doesn’t deserve to be practically abused by JR. I know that during this whole nightmare I had Zach to count on, to trust – to hold onto. I don’t know what I would have done without him. But Babe… to find out she’s been played this whole time… If she needs help, I’ll do it. I’ll tell you what I do NOT need - my nosy mother parading in here all up in my business. Hopefully, right now she’s off dealing with Josh and Bianca’s problems, because I have a little situation I need to handle…

Reborn

Tuesday, February 6, 2007

I'll break every valuable, memento, piece of china or glass - whatever bric-a-brac I can get my hands on - if it helps Zach gain some peace of mind. I'll do whatever he needs me to do to scare away those haunted thoughts he's thinking. Zach and I are built to last - nothing stronger. He's backed me up more times than Lily can count, and I will defend him with my very last breath. We've won this horrible thing - and we came out the other end stronger, and just as crazy in love. So take that! You can't break what Zach and I have - because it's so pure and so good and so full of love that it can't just go away. I hope we did make a baby tonight... a little Slater. Can you imagine? I know Zach has his concerns, but wouldn't it be amazing if after all of this tragedy a new life was born...

Chasing down the demons

Monday, February 5, 2007

We caught the killer and he's down at the police station right now. God, I can breathe again. I can inhale the life around me instead of stuffing down the last of it, hoping it won't run out. This nightmare is finally over and Zach and I and all of our friends and family can wake up to a dawn, to goodness and hope – to some kind of bright future. I don't know why this sick twist came after Zach - has he really been holding onto his rage this entire time? Aiming so much hatred at someone who was just a 5 year old boy? Holding the anger so tight he choked the life out of so many people I loved with some party drug. Well, life isn’t a party for him anymore. That’s for damn sure. Raymond Jenkins deserves a life in hell for all the evil he's done. He deserves to be tortured. Not Zach. But I'm petrified the haunted look in his eyes will never go away. I have to fix that. I have to make life great again for Zach - because right now he's so torn up he's the one on the edge of that balcony.

Take back the night

Friday, February 2, 2007

God, I’m so nervous about this party. Everything’s going to be fine though – yup. I’ll have Zach, Ryan, cops – people I can count on to make sure I’ll stay safe. I’m practically invincible – who could hurt me? Nothing to be worried about at all. It’s just a little charade to out some psycho. This needs to work. It has to. It will. The tragedies end tonight.

“She had it coming”

Thursday, February 1, 2007

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. I know. I had it coming. I knew Annie was gonna go ape*%@ on me when she found out. Whatever. I have more important things to worry about than that opportunistic wannabe housewife being angry that I honored her request to NOT know who Emma’s father is. But more importantly… she can play house with Ryan and Emma all she wants, but she will never raise my son. No matter what happens at this party tomorrow night – if the worst does manage to… I’ll be damned if Spike ever calls that woman “mom.” I know Bianca didn’t say she would fight Ryan for custody, but if it were my… my final wish – she’d do it. She always comes through for me. But I’m going to be fine. Right? I’m just being super cautious. I’m a mom – I’m just doing what any decent parent would – making sure all the bases are covered. I’m gonna stop blogging – hands are a little shaky. So I’ll speak to you guys soon… I know I will.