All My Children: Kendall's Hart To Heart

We’re having a party

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

It’s time to go on the offense. Okay. It’s not like we’ve been sitting back, sipping margaritas, watching the sun set, waiting for the killer to come straight at us – but I can’t just sit around anymore… jumping at every weird noise or thinking twice every time I sip a soda. I know Zach’s been wracking his brain for weeks – looking for an answer – but the bottom line is: Another innocent woman died. And my time is running out... So… this is a super secret. DO NOT breathe a word to ANYONE. This creep wants to pick me off? I’ll be waiting. I know what you’re thinking – but hear me out.

1: I have Zach – and he would NEVER let anything bad happen to me.

2: The killer’s targeting me anyway – might as well be expecting it.

3: I’m sick of being scared to death.

4: See reason #1.

Can I be honest? No matter how much I know I’ll be safe, it’s still scary as hell to know someone out there is just itching to kill you. This is going to be tough… but it’s either this… or…

How can you not see it coming?

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Zach and I have been sifting through his childhood here in the warehouse for hours. Nothing. Not one single clue. And it’s killing him. Every piece of furniture is a memory and that equals a fresh punch to his gut. We’re both drained, but Zach keeps pushing himself to remember more – no matter how much it hurts. If we could just find something – anything – in this pile of bad memories… but instead we’re hitting this huge cement wall.

I can’t stop thinking about Dixie. Neither can he – his worry is written all over his face. Another innocent woman attacked – and for what? Some sick game this creep is playing? Is it because she and Zach were good friends? Why Dixie? She has to live. For her little girl. For Tad and Jamie. And especially JR. He just got his mother back… he can’t lose her again – like this – now. Just makes me think… if anything were to happen to Erica… these women are all so young, too full of life to just one day be gone. Erin, Simone… how do you wake up and think everything is peachy and then… it’s just over?

Pushing harder

Monday, January 29, 2007

I hate this. I know. Dumb statement of the year But it’s true. I hate that this is killing my husband. Zach’s shoulders are so tight from being on edge he looks like he’s in pain when he moves, and his eyes… they are squinty from lying awake at night trying to figure out how to stop this psycho killer. I know my husband. I know he feels guilty and beyond pressured right now – but none of this is his fault. He didn’t ask for this. No one could have. I know that. All of you know that. So how do I get him to let go of some of this weight he’s strapped on?

Life seems like it can’t get much worse right about now. But I know one thing: This sicko can knock himself out and do his damnedest, but the bond I have with Zach is unbreakable. The Slaters are a team effort – always only us - and we will come out of this nightmare together. No matter how scared we get… like today when we saw that portrait… all we need to do is look into each other’s eyes and see we’ve got someone else fighting like hell for us to win. Each other. Even when the danger seems like it’s right in our faces and we don’t have the strength to take it on anymore we will, because we’re fighting for us. Zach and I have passion, fire, trust, love – with all of that on our side there’s no way we can lose.

Frustration

Friday, January 26, 2007

How is Ryan in charge of my life now? When did that happen exactly? I’d love to know when I signed over custody of myself to him. He gets me so… I’m fuming – like “my head is going to pop off my head right now” fuming. He chooses when I see Spike and where it’s safe for Spike to live – and he won’t even tell me when he’s dropping the truth down on Annie about Emma. I have no clue when that woman is going to beat my door down and try to rip my hair out. And! He drugged my husband. Yet, somehow I’m the one who’s wrong – I’m the bad guy?! Emma thought I was mad at her, Annie doesn’t care Ryan uses injections to get what he wants… the only person who ever makes any sense is Zach.

Opening up

Thursday, January 25, 2007

The world has gone insane. Completely off its rocker. My brother and Ryan decided to drug my husband? Who does that? How is that ethical by any stretch of the imagination – I could wring their necks for putting Zach in so much danger. Who knows what side effects their dumb drug could have. We have a serial killer running around poisoning people and now I have to worry about my nearest and dearest doing the same? God. How could they be so stupid?! I don’t care what anyone says, Ryan owes me and Zach an apology.

The truth is a funny thing? Isn’t it? Ryan didn’t want to know the truth about where his donations ended up – until he found out. Annie doesn’t want to know who her child’s father is – but I’m sure once she does, she’ll use that tidbit to her advantage. You can’t have it both ways, people. They should have never found out - not that I’m blaming Zach – he would have taken it to the grave if they hadn’t dosed him. Ryan can get angry and stare daggers at me all he wants, I know I’m right. This secret was in a can of worms that should have stayed sealed. I was practically doing them a favor by honoring their wishes – so how come I’m the bad “guy”?

The absolute nerve!!

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

That woman!! What is she? Coaching her little girl to snag a man now?! I knew she was a pariah. I just knew it. And this isn’t about me wanting Ryan or being jealous or selfish – at all! I love Zach. He’s my husband, my future, my life. He’s my everything. But Ryan’s my friend – and – the father of my child. He’s vulnerable - especially since Erin died - not to mention a sucker for a pretty woman in trouble under normal circumstances. And Annie looks just like his ex-wife! She’s using all of that to her advantage and eating up the sweet life with a huge ass tablespoon: Playing house with my son, in a penthouse, working for a great company – all courtesy of Ryan. This is ridiculous. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not mad at Emma. It’s not that little girl’s fault her mother is completely reliant on Ryan. Why wouldn’t she be confused? But if her mother clearly explained the situation there wouldn’t be any whacky ideas like that coming out of her mouth. But I’m sure that’s the last thing Annie wants – clarity. And before any of you say it… Spike will NOT be Emma’s baby brother. As far as they all know Emma and Spike are just two cute kids sharing a living space temporarily – they are not related. And I’ll be damned if Annie is going to keep playing mommy to my son.

A whole new world

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Today was like this peaceful, beautiful dream – just when I felt completely shut out of my world, I got to spend time with Spike today. He’s getting so big -- his grip is so much stronger than I remember even with his little hands. We were both holding onto each other for dear life. God. I so needed this. And he smelled so sugary! His cheeks were just as soft as they feel when I close my eyes and imagine him. I know Mommies are supposed to wrap their kids up in blankets and give them this impenetrable sense of security, but Spike did that for me today. My son is magical. Seeing him – I saw the light at the end of this pitch black tunnel I’m in. I’ve said it a few times – but my boy gives me infinite hope, so much courage… and he re-ignited my fight. I still have so much to defend! And up here, in my head, I know that – but when your little boy’s staring right back at you – it pushes you to fight back even harder to save someone else’s world.

Holding on for dear life

Monday, January 22, 2007

Zach is on the edge, teetering, and I don’t know how to pull him back. I have to figure it out some way, somehow. He looked so haunted when he came to Fusion. Something’s going on, something big happened and he didn’t want to freak us all out. I know my husband though, and I know I trust him to save me. To save the rest of us. But what if I can’t save him? What if Ryan did see something on the roof, what if something terrible had… Bianca, Babe – we’re all freaking out, so afraid of what’s next. Living on borrowed time and we have no idea when we’ll pay up. But haven’t we paid enough already? I’ve lost the most precious things I had because of this killer – Simone, Erin, Spike’s with Ryan, and now Fusion… even if it is temporary. I have Zach, but I’m so scared some force out there will rip him away from me, too.

Ready for the finale

Friday, January 19, 2007

That lunatic damn well almost scared me to death He’s so worried about my safety – he better watch out for himself, because I am going to kill Ryan. Who does he think he is? I’m so sick of everyone telling me to turn tail and get the hell out of Dodge. I will not run – away from Zach – away from my son – away from my life. And I refuse to die. This bastard can come at me with guns blazing – he won’t get anywhere close enough to do any more damage. I won’t let him. Extra security, heightened awareness – whatever it takes – I’ll be untouchable. There’s an end to this nightmare – and I’ve got a nagging feeling it’s just around the corner.

Existence

Thursday, January 18, 2007

I don’t know how much more I can take. Zach has these nightmares constantly and there’s no answer in sight. What if Zarf really didn’t do it? God. I soooo wish it were him – then this nightmare we’re actually living in could be over. But it keeps snowballing – now Fusion’s a casualty! Our employees left, Ryan wants to close shop and those damned gardenias! I keep telling Zach he won’t lose me, that I’ll always be here, that nothing can stop us, but I’m petrified. I am marked for murder and have no clue how to handle it. What am I supposed to do? Just stop eating for fear it’s already been drugged? Do I stop leaving my home because this psycho may be waiting for me behind the garbage bins? How is that a life? And even if I stay alive, is it worth it if I have no job, if I’m looking over my shoulder all the time, if I can never see my son again?! How do I stop just existing and reclaim my life? How do we catch this SOB?

WTF!

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Zarf’s a who and a what? This is ridiculous. And I thought “If the glove don’t fit, you must acquit” was absurd. So Zarf says he is a woman trapped in a man’s body? A transgender person. I don’t care if she’s Miss Mary Mack baking a freakin’ pie who likes to make out with llamas – he’s a killer and he should be locked up right next to his terminally deluded friend Babe. She had the nerve to tell me what Zarf did was “courageous.” It takes courage to kill two innocent women and spike someone else’s soda with drugs?! Is that the new definition of the word? Oh, Zarf damn well came out today – but not as “Zoe” – as the Satin Slayer. I don’t care what the big boys do to him in the state pen – this nightmare is over – it has to be. I can wake up and my son can finally come home now. Right?

Jailhouse Rock

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Oh, hell no! Zarf is not waltzing away from me! I don’t care what the police found in those vials – this sicko murdered two of my friends and went after another. And Babe is practically cheerleading for the psychopath superstar to “come clean.” Newsflash Babe: He did! The maniac confessed – and said he’d do it again! But no! Not even that registers on that nitwit’s brain. She’s parading Zarf around the tunnels of her house as if he’s some confused, hurt stray. He’s royally messed up. We caught our killer, and I’ll string him up myself if he tries to worm his way out of these charges with some cockamamie cover. I’ll be front row watching him get carted off to prison – we’ll see what kind of performance he gives his new roommate Bubba.

Keeping enemies closer

Monday, January 15, 2007

JR was right. Ha! Words I never thought I’d say. But he was. The guy’s not dense –like his wife. He saw right through my cover. Like hell I’d forgive the creep – he dropped a pile of bricks on my head and has more lives than a cat when it comes to taking responsibility. But he’s making my life so much easier – handing Josh Babe is going to be a cake walk. JR is already willing to drop the bimbo into my brother’s lap – all I have to do is help him gain full custody of his son. With Babe defending a serial killer – shouldn’t be too hard to connect the dots. And now that she’s harboring the fugitive… maybe Babe did all the work for us?

How did we end up here?

Friday, January 12, 2007

That sick, son of a… Zarf the rock star is also Zarf the serial killer?!?! I always knew there was something way off about him – but a murderer? I’ll tear his flippin’ head off. God, as soon as he came to town is when all of this started. And the evidence keeps piling up. He’s killed two of my best friends and another is fighting like hell for her life. AND he tried to use Bianca with some lame story about being transgender. Babe! She brought him to Pine Valley, and if that’s not bad enough she’s defending the psychopath. Earth to Babe: Stop protecting maniacs. First her husband and now Zarf. God, when will that girl buy a clue. She’s so…and yet she has Josh totally snowed. My brother is a dog with a freaking bone and if I didn’t need to I’d tell him to flip off. But… I have to make sure Josh keeps his pursed lips shut, so I’m about to do something I never dreamed I’d do.

Fear Factor

Thursday, January 11, 2007

I am scared. I don’t know if I’ve ever been this frightened in my entire life. I don’t know what we’re up against – only that it’s vicious, smart and invisible. What kind of odds does that give us? I want to curl into a ball, hide from the world and have Zach watch over me, but at the same time I want to fight this bastard with everything I’ve got for killing my friends, attacking Dani, torturing Zach… making us all scared spitless.

Here’s my big secret: I don’t have a plan. Usually – no matter how crazy they may be – I have some way to get myself out of a bad situation. And most times, it makes the problem worse – but this time – I don’t have a clue. I’m scared to go near my son. I’m terrified being near me is going to get him… And I would sooner die of missing my little boy than put him in any danger. So how do you fight fear? How do I stop shaking and wanting to cry and stop having freak-outs when the scary gets to big in my mind? How do I win this war?

Survivor island

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

This killer-freak is everywhere! He’s invading our homes now. He could be anywhere at anytime. How do we fight that? How do you attack something you can’t even see coming or hear when it’s in your own living room? Oh my God. Spike! Thank God he’s safe. What if this creep was inches away in my… Nope. I can’t go there. Spike staying at the penthouse might be a damn good idea.  As much as it pains me – I would never let my son get hurt. I still want to see him all the time like I told Ryan at the police station – but after seeing Dani – my son has to stay safe. We need to catch this psycho before anyone else is targeted or worse… picked off. Oh, Dani. You have to make it. You’re so feisty and strong and fierce – you have to pull through… There’s only a few of us left. I know you miss Simone and Erin – but your Dad, your aunt – me – okay I’ll be selfish – ME – I need you around. We all do…

What’s next? Who? It could be me… I don’t feel safe anywhere but in Zach’s arms? I’ll never let him go – I love him too much and right now - the only way to keep on living is to hold on tight.

You scratch my back…

Tuesday, January 9, 2007

That brother of mine! He can drive me straight up a wall. Storming in here, demanding Babe like she’s on some auction block. I know I made the stupid deal with him in the first place, but he doesn’t get to boss me around about it! I’ll knock his pretty head off his shoulders if he barges in here like that ever again. It’s just… after seeing Zach’s reaction I thought mayyyyybe I should tell Ryan the news. Mayyyybe the fallout wouldn’t be so awful… But it would be. Coming clean is so not the best choice. I see that now-- Again. It’ll blow up in my face – and Spike’s – if Ryan ever finds out the truth. And Annie – she shouldn’t hit the daddy jackpot because she got lucky when she played eenie meeny with some a bunch of donor profiles. If this leaks out, Ryan will glue himself to her and Emma for life – and that’s something no one signed up for. My lips are zipped – permanently – and everyone else’s better be, too.

Coming clean

Monday, January 8, 2007

I know I was fuming before because Zach agreed with Ryan, but I love the man. I love pretty much everything about him – his generosity, his intensity, his edge, his smirk – I love him in more ways than I can ever describe – but the thing I love most about him: I can completely trust him. Trust has always been this humongous problem for me - as all of you know – I didn’t trust myself for the longest time and I certainly never trusted anyone else around me (even Zach). But having that one person I know is always by my side, someone who won’t judge me or put me down for any of my decisions – it’s the single best gift he could ever give.

He asked what was bugging me – and I know I didn’t tell him right when I found out or even as soon as he asked (see there’s that trust issue I have – it doesn’t just vanish overnight) but I did tell him in the end. That’s huge! And I now we’re never going to agree on everything – but agreeing to disagree is the next best thing, right? I think that’s what happened. Well… we never actually finished discussing the subject. The look in his eyes though… I know never getting to know Ethan has hurt him immeasurably – it still haunts him – but this secret is different with Ryan. Isn’t it? I mean Ryan was some anonymous sperm donor – not Annie’s boyfriend or anything. I think Zach will see the difference between what he went through and the situation Ryan created. I think so…

Scream

Friday, January 5, 2007

Unfreakingbelievable! I want my son with me. This is ridiculous. Ryan can’t just make these unilateral decisions so he and Annie can play house with my kid. Spike is safe right here with Zach and me – just as he’s always been. He’s used to our home. It’s his home! And we have security -- we’re being extra careful now that we know there is a threat out there… God! The nerve! And that woman! I could just…! If I had any doubts about telling Ryan the truth about Emma they went flying out the window today. She is using every opportunity to ingratiate herself into my corner of the world and I am sick to death of it. She is not my family, so she better back off. I’ve got a killer out there looking to take us down and now I have some woman with a major crush invading my family. And Zach! Zach!! I love that man – I really do - but he could have backed me up. Since when do he and Ryan agree about anything – he chooses now. I could just…

Always only us

Thursday, January 4, 2007

I’ll do anything for Zach – ANYTHING – except leave him. No way. No how. I don’t care how many times he asks me to pack it up and go away. I won’t. He’s my life. He needs rescuing and I’m right here to do it. I know he’s worried about me. He’s always worried about me. But we’ll save each other this time. We’ll catch this guy – bring him down – together. It’s not in my DNA to run from a fight – and it’s not in my heart to leave the man I love ever again. I did that. We tried that. And here we are – both of us – in the middle of something awful, horrible – crazy bad – again - but I know Zach and I have tons of “happy” in our future. He won’t let anything bad come my way and I will kill this freak myself if I have to just to make sure nothing terrible happens to Zach. We’ll win this fight. No doubts. Always only us.

Loving, honoring and cherishing

Wednesday, January 3, 2007

I’ve never seen Zach like that. I was scared for him. He’s so hurt and shaken up. How can I help him? Whatever he needs from me – he’s got it. Love, support, honesty, faith, more love – I want to take the pain away. Take the guilt he’s strapped onto his back for all these years over some accident away. Some horrible, tragic moment he was too small and young to even comprehend wasn’t his fault. I’m sure of it. Even if he’s not. But how can I get him to know that? How can Zach let go of his anguish so his eyes won’t look so haunted. I love my husband more than I ever thought I knew how to love. I would do anything for him. He’s my life. So what should I do to save his?

Keeping the bodies buried

Tuesday, January 2, 2007

Half-truths and omissions are really the best kind of lies, aren’t they? Now I know a lot of you are going to yell and scream at me for what I did today, but I have my reasons. And they are damn good reasons, too. I don’t like Annie. I think she’s an opportunist with a damsel complex, and I’ll be damned if my son misses out on one blessed thing because Annie’s crises or Annie’s child or Annie’s needs come first. So I lied. Sorta. I told Ryan I don’t approve of her, and I don’t want her to take advantage of his grief. All true. And how that was what Josh and I were talking about when Ryan walked in – kind of. It’s the other part – him being Emma’s father – I forgot to mention. Oops.

I love my brother. I do. But sometimes Josh and I are more alike than I think he even realizes. I was hoping he wouldn’t be so damn stubborn this one time and the familial loyalty card would work, but he’s too blinded by his own childhood drama to listen to reason. Lucky for me, I know how to work him to my advantage. It’s how someone would have to work me. Wanting to tell Ryan the truth is Josh’s way of correcting what Greg Madden did to him and countless other kids. I get it. I understand it. I even empathize with it. But this is not the same thing. So I don’t agree with Josh. Ryan can never find out he is Emma’s father.

So how do you make friends and influence people? How do you get someone to push aside their “morals”? You offer them something they want more. Something they crave. For Josh - simple: Babe. Now how the hell do I actually deliver?