All My Children: Kendall's Hart To Heart

Mystique

Friday, December 29, 2006

What is Maggie thinking? Bianca is the most beautiful, amazing, kind, generous soul I know and if Maggie was too blind to recognize that and too stupid to hold onto it, it’s so her loss. But just because Bianca’s heart is broken does not mean she should start dating a MAN who is a known womanizer. Zarf the rock god is a whackadoo with a decent singing voice. What is my sister thinking? And they’ve kissed? Sexuality is such a blurred line for so many people, but Bianca knows she’s gay. So how can she be attracted to a man? She admitted she’s not bisexual – so then what’s left? And if Bianca’s right - and I think she is - what’s Zarf hiding?

It’s a small world after all

Thursday, December 28, 2006

So as part of the New Year’s resolution I told you all about, I wanted to spend more time with Spike and Ryan – have some family time. It’s been pretty warm out, so I figured a winter picnic would be a cute idea for the three of us. But of course our party of three (plus my handy dandy bodyguard) turned into a party of five when it was crashed by Annie and Emma. I know. I know. It was a coincidence. But how are they always everywhere? Yeah, yeah. PV is a small town. Whatever.

If Annie’s not bothered by the fact that she looks like Ryan’s ex-wife that’s her deal, but I still think it’s just a little bit weird. Actually… a lot weird. Don’t you? And I still feel as though they’re invading my family. The two of them are NOT some kind of stand-in for Spike and me. I know Annie says that’s not it at all, but from where I’m standing...

God, I can’t believe for once in that miserable SOB’s life that David wasn’t lying about something. Now what am I going to do? Ryan’s dating Annie, and getting closer to Emma – and turns out, he was the flippin’ sperm donor! Can this town get any smaller?

New Year

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

I’m so glad to hear all of you had such a wonderful holiday. I wish each and every one of you nothing but the best this season and in the new year. Speaking of… this New Year’s Eve I’d like to just spend some down time with my hubby – but what big plans do you have this year? Going to any hot new clubs? Staying at home watching the ball drop on TV? A little bit of both? Any resolutions? My one and only is to spend as much time with my friends and family as I can. Since Simone and Erin died, I keep on wishing I had more time with them. Went to lunch more or paid attention more or whatever – so in 2007 I want to try my hardest and make more time for everyone who means the world to me. What’s your big wish for ’07?

Tis The Season

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Christmas was absolutely amazing. It really was. Erica came home to Jack, I had enough gifts for everyone (thank you all for the suggestions), Josh was there, and we all got along - Ryan and Zach were competing over trains earlier while Spike could want for nothing... I feel so blessed despite the past few weeks. I had a perfect holiday - it'll be rough to have to go back to the "real world" tomorrow. But that's for tomorrow - what I want to know right now is you, how was your holiday? What kind of loot did you all walk away with? Hope you had a very merry!

Gift ideas

Friday, December 22, 2006

Well, ho, ho, ho and all of that. So the holidays have their many upsides – great meals, family, love, tons of dessert – and gifts. But the one downside -- shopping. I love to shop. I mean I really looooove to shop. And I really like giving gifts to my nearest and dearest. So why is it so awful to do that this time of year? It is beyond stressful, the lines are crazy long and there’s always something you can’t find. The past few weeks have been insane – so today was the only day I could go shopping, and I was barely able to finish getting Spike and Miranda’s gifts. Having a guard with me everywhere sucked – so I am in major trouble. I need help. I need a few great ideas so I can send someone from the casino to the mall to finish shopping for me. On my list is: Zach, Erica, Jack, Bianca, Josh, Lily, Sean, Ryan, Danielle, Amanda, Palmer and Myrtle. I think I have everyone else covered (I did a little online shopping for a select few like Reggie). So what should I get them?

Choo-choo

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Well, if the reason we keep on chugging along after a tragedy is for the kids, then I guess it’s a damn good thing there’s a child in all of us. When I walked in and saw Christmas had exploded in my living room, I lit up like a string of lights. The funeral today was so sad, and it hurt like hell – but there’s something about the holidays that brings out the inner kid in all of us. Isn’t there? And Zach is the only reason I was able to appreciate it. He looked soooo sexy in that conductor’s hat. Mmmm. And the excitement on his face from the trains… there’s a little boy inside of him, too. Not many people would think that – but then again, no one knows Zach the way I do.

Looking for the light

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Today was so hard. Hard isn’t even the word for it. It was pretty much completely unbearable. No one in this world enjoys a funeral. All that black you wear outside, the emptiness you feel inside – you look and feel like a giant pit – someone that something once occupied. Joy, laughter, hope, humanity, warmth – all of that dries up for a while when you lose a life. But walking into the cemetery and seeing two caskets. Two flowers on every seat. Double the amount of mourners, double the pain... How tragic that all is. It’s just… so much. Too much. I looked around and saw all of these sad eyes through my tears, Ryan, Bianca, Dani, Jonathan, Tad, Zach so many people, and none of us have any answers – Why did this happen? What kind of person could hurt two beautiful, generous, genuine people? I tried to be optimistic – “At least Simone and Erin are together, having cosmos, laughing, gossiping, wearing kick ass shoes... And Ethan’s with them. And they’re all at peace and so happy.” But my heart felt empty, even more lost. And today wasn’t about me. What I’ve lost. It’s not really about any of us, really. In a way. I know that. Saying goodbye should be a celebration of their lives – and it wasn’t until we saw the kids at Fusion that we realized there is something to fill up the void, there are reasons to still go on – for the children.

My Grown-Up Wish List

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

So I hung out with some of my favorite people tonight. Miss Miranda, Spike and Zach. Miranda finished her list for Santa and Zach and I worked to keep our minds off everything that’s happened the past few weeks by entertaining the kiddies. Didn’t work for very long, though. Zach seemed so distant – his mind’s in a million places right now. I know he’s scared for me, but there’s something else… I don’t know.

Anyway - we snuck a peek at Mimo’s list and saw how simple life is when you’re that age. She wants some toys, a lot of dolls, a pony – you know, normal girlie-girl stuff. Just like I wanted. Just like Bianca wanted. Just like most of you I’m sure wanted when you were her age. So at what point does a holiday wish list turn into something more dire? Something we’re desperate to have. When does a wish you hope for turn into a miracle you crave? Peace in the world, safety for our kids, our friends, our family – hope, love, joy – we wish for the day when heartbreak goes away, pain subsides (whatever it may be), shorter hours at work so you can have more time with the ones you love before they’re taken from you. This year I wish for time – for the past few weeks to have never happened so Erin and Simone would still be here – alive, healthy and having fun. When does a wish turn into something we can’t obtain at a store – or in life?

Knowledge is power

Monday, December 18, 2006

Curiosity killed the cat and all that. I know. I know. But I really do have to know. It’s killing me. I don’t like Annie. I’ll admit it – I did! To Josh. The woman is insinuating herself into Ryan’s life, using his grief over Erin to snag the grand prize – a readymade family. And by doing that, she’s inviting herself into Spike’s life and ta-da that equals my life – I don’t appreciate it. It really ticks me off. So I need to know – for certain - if Annie is just some random girl from who-knows-where with her own random kid and no ties to my family… or if she’s more. If Emma’s more…

Lean on me

Friday, December 15, 2006

You don’t realize how important the ones you love are until they’re gone – or you’re forced to admit they can leave you in a New York minute. You all know this is an issue I’m dealing with – but it’s a fact of life everyone in this huge world has to face at some point. So I know you all understand how I feel about what’s happening. There is danger everywhere you turn. Moms (and Dads) out there, you know how paralyzing that fear can be when you know your child isn’t always safe. But I will not be paralyzed by the fear I have for my sake. This is a time for the people I love to rely on me and for me to lean on them, too. I’m counting on Zach and he’s doing the same.

Ryan’s torn up – we all are. He lost his sister. His baby sister he just found. And we’ve all lost a piece of ourselves – some innocence (whatever we had left), a lot of security – and most importantly two people who represented those things. It’s time to give some of that back to him. To give him some hope-- Spike. I’ve said it before – Spike gives me hope every day – and I so want to give Ryan that and some of the strength Zach gives me. He needs it. I just hope he lets me give it to him…

Fightin' words

Thursday, December 14, 2006

I’m scared. Terrified. But angry. Mad. So mad. Zach wants me to run, not go to work and fight – but I won’t do that. Never. It’s not that work is my life – but it is a huge part of who I am, what I represent – and I will not let some twisted psycho make me shiver in my heels. Un-huh. Fusion is about women – women who need women – and that’s what we need right now. Sisterhood. Some sadistic freak is out there killing our family – and that’s just not gonna fly. It stops here. Right now. With us - the ones who are left. We are strong, vibrant, beautiful and damn feisty women who will take this creep down – because no one goes after our family and gets away with it. We will take you down if you’re out there reading this – you can come at me, but you won’t get very far – because now we know there’s a threat. We’re united and ready to attack – and when women work together to protect the ones they love – well, that’s a bond that is unshakable, unbreakable and ultimately unstoppable. We will beat you – together – because love and family can conquer it all.

Too close to home

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Someone out there just wake me up. Shake me, yell at me, force me to get up – anything! How can Erin be gone, too? Simone – and now Erin? They’re so young – were… so young. And healthy. Both of them… and they’ve been killed. Who’s killing us – how does this happen? You hear about things like this on cable, but real life – murder and… it’s all wrong. It must be wrong. Zach – maybe he made a mistake… or was told the wrong thing… No. Doesn’t work like that, right? He was sure. It’s true. And the scary thing is – is it even over or are my friends and I fighting a war in our own backyard.

Invasion of personal space

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

She’s everywhere. At Thanksgiving – living in Ryan’s penthouse – in my living room. And now Annie’s falling in love with him? Sure – they “like” each other. But now she’s pulling out all the stops to snag him – like asking me if it’s okay! Does anyone out there think she looks like Ryan’s last wife? Or is everyone blind. Annie’s a lot of things – I hope to God not the mother of Ryan’s kid – but she is certainly no Greenlee. This is bad. And it’s gotta stop. “Train wreck,” meet “waiting to happen.” Ryan was an anonymous donor – and Annie should just stay anonymous.

Holding it together

Monday, December 11, 2006

I know as a mom I need to hold it together for Spike, and I know as a friend – a sister – of Simone’s I need to keep Fusion going because that’s what she would have wanted, but how do I pick up the pieces of myself and hold them together? I would shatter into a million pieces if I didn’t have Zach. He’s my glue. He’ll figure out what crazy something happened to Simone and melt my fear, my unanswered questions away. When life seems like it can’t be fixed or made right – or even something as final as death – I just look into his eyes and know I’m safe; I know there’s light instead of darkness staring back at me. That’s what I just had when he brought me home – and in our own special way he saved me – again – by being with me. Zach - my safe place. My child gives me a ton of hope, and my husband offers me strength – I’m going to need to focus on both to keep it together.

Life’s questions

Friday, December 8, 2006

V-Tach? No way Simone was using. Not after her brother… and just no. But murder? This is crazy. Insane. I feel like I’m in some sort of alternate universe. Simone is dead, and it wasn’t some freak medical thing – it may have been intentional? But who? Why? Simone was loved – by everyone! No one disliked her, let alone hated her so much they would want her gone. But what other explanation is there? She did not OD on some party drug. She looked so at peace – lying there – oh my God – what if she was put there. And then there’s this yahoo – Zarf – spewing his woo-woo nonsense that no one wants to hear. This “Simone’s in a better place – on a different plane” crap is enough to make me kick him into yesteryear. I know he’s just being some whacked out eccentric diva rock star – but if he pushes another one of my buttons I’ll take him down.

To my friend

Thursday, December 7, 2006

I am sick of feeling sad and miserable. My face is puffy from crying my eyes out and that’s so not what Simone would want. This has to stop. I have to stop it. So I’m going to do what any sane person would: Think about the happy memories she left behind. God, there are so many… there’s the time we cooked up Fusion in my kitchen and she sealed her lips shut. Or the many times she was arrested by Officer Lyman. He enjoyed every second of it though. Everyone loved Simone. Even when you wanted to kill her for spilling a secret, or locking me shut in a castle – you just couldn’t stay mad at the girl. Something about her. She even befriended hookers in jail! I’m telling you, everyone loved her. She may have glued her lips shut, but she is – was – the glue at Fusion. She held us together. Ha! I just remembered when she wore that cat suit at the fertility clinic. She would do anything for a friend. I could always count on her to stop by with dessert if she knew I was down. You could always count on Simone – maybe not to show up on time – but to be there when it mattered. She always cared. Oh my God, I remember us getting ready in the bathroom before Fusion opened. We were so nervous. Didn’t know if it would be a success – and it is – mostly because of her. I hope she knew she was loved. Her laugh, her smile, her hair – everything about Simone was so full of life. It’s weird to think the world has to get by without that. That I have to. But maybe I don’t. I know she’ll be with me at work, in my living room, at the bar – because a part of Simone is everywhere she was. She changed people, places – made them better for knowing her. She made us all come alive. Another toast to you, Simone. I’ll miss seeing you, but I know you’re there - with me - wherever I go.

What's going on?

Wednesday, December 6, 2006

I will not even debate the ridiculous idea that Simone... I won’t even say it, type it, think it. She was acting weird-- Is it possible? No! She did not do this to herself. Simone?!?! Come on. The girl had more life and positive energy than a cheerleading team on uppers. No way was she depressed. I mean I know she was upset about Ethan. Way back when. And she’s had her bad days here and there ever since – but she would never hurt herself. Suicide is such a selfish act and Simone was a giver. She gave to me, to Greenlee, to Fusion, to everyone she met, everyone she made laugh – she made all of us feel better about ourselves and there is no way she did all of that while crying inside. Did she? Did she give too much to the rest of us that she felt she had nothing left of herself? No. I need to stop doing that. I would have known if she felt so alone—is she felt so upset she felt there was no other way out then to… I would just know. I would feel it. I would see it coming. I may not know a whole lot about this crazy world, but I would know something like that. Something happened to her. Something she didn’t cause. Bizarre. Out of the blue. This wasn’t her plan. It couldn’t have been.

I just want to wake up

Tuesday, December 5, 2006

This has to be one of those nightmares. The ones I talked about last week that stay with you, haunt you for days and days. The ones you can’t forget or just let go of. But this one feels so real – is it true? Really… Simone… not here. No. No! That’s absurd. Completely ridiculous. Damn it! I keep pinching myself, slamming my hand against the wall, anything – and I feel every ounce of pain. And then it registers. This is real. My hand hurts so that means she really is gone. And then my heart sinks down to my shoes and I feel this huge lump in my throat and it’s a whole new, fresh wave of pain – over and over. A tidal wave pulling me under and choking me at the same time. I want to scream. I want to cry – but nothing. No voice. No tears. Just cold, hard ache. Weight. Dead weight. What the hell happened?

Celebration with a twist

Monday, December 4, 2006

I am soooo excited. I have so many ideas on how to decorate the house. A little modern, but with a real homey feel. Warm colors, but nothing too dark, you know? Anyway… So to toast our new home, our fresh start, Zach and I were ready to get down and party. Just a little celebration. Something simple. Easy. No gifts. Good times, good laughs and lots of liquor for my nearest and dearest. And still it has to get all complicated. – first, I had to pry Bianca from whack job Zarf who was groveling all over her like some puppy dog, then Simone – who’s the original party girl – being all serious and morose – and then I ran smack into Annie and Ryan “insta-family 2007.” I need a good stiff one.

Housewarming

Friday, December 1, 2006

I have to admit, I am so happy Zach’s cool with buying the house. I can totally picture us there. We’d be a happy family anywhere – but in this house, I can see it, feel it – almost taste it. But only if he’s sure it won’t haunt him… that he won’t be reminded of something painful in every doorway or every time he hears a creak in the floorboards. The fact that he’s willing to fight like hell to let go of his scary memories and work to replace them with only the happiest ones…My husband is beyond amazing. I just hope it’s possible. But, of course it is – Zach can do anything he wants – even the “impossible.” I know it’ll happen.

He shows me every day how much he loves me and I promise I will spend the rest of my life showing him exactly how much I’m committed to him, to us, to the brightest future I could have ever imagined. Always Only Him.