All My Children: Kendall's Hart To Heart

Freaky Thursday

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Nightmares suck. I know that’s an obvious statement. But it’s the truth. And why do I forget the normal dreams about two minutes after I wake up, but the nightmares haunt me for days. How can my mind hate me so much? When Ryan stepped off that elevator – I nearly hurled. I couldn’t bear it if he ditched Spike – Ryan’s his father. What would I do? I know I have Zach, but I wouldn’t know how to tell my son his father left him to be with his “other” family. And now Ryan’s going to date Annie. The girl has been nothing but trouble since day one. And all of a sudden they are like this insta-family. I know Ryan says he’ll always be there all the time any time for Spike, but now… I’m not so sure. This possibility that Ryan is Emma’s bio-dad… it’s gonna drive me to drink. He’s Spike’s daddy. That’s what’s important. And as if I’m not on the brink already, I walked in on a naked rock star. How is this my life? That guy Zarf is a nutjob. Total out there, cosmic whacko. And the girls – stripping down for that royal jackass. What is the world coming to? I’m even comparing notes with Krystal?!?! And it’s not even Friday the 13^th!

On the bright side

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Well – Thanksgiving was a complete bust. Erica says she’s getting divorced. Again. Ryan left with Emma and Annie. I think I get that old expression – “it all went to pot” now. Only good thing to come from today – Josh. My brother may drive me nuts sometimes. And he does have an addiction to an idiot and a chip the size of a bowling ball on his shoulder, but he cares about us. He really does. And not just Bianca and me, Erica, too. I guess that’s one thing I can give thanks for.

I don't want leftovers

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

We just can’t have a happy turkey day, can we? My head almost popped off when I thought Annie knew what David told me. It’s all I can think about. And it doesn’t help being surrounded by them - everywhere I look there’s either Annie, Ryan, Emma or all three. And on top of that, Erica and Jack were hurling insults back and forth like it was freaking ping pong. The Valley Inn will never let me order another cosmo for as long as I live.

I honestly feel tortured. Every time I think, “maybe what David said is a total lie” I see Annie or find out some factoid that compounds what David said. Like when Annie admitted she used a sperm donor. What are the chances?! And now Ryan is getting closer to her and her daughter. And Annie is staying put indefinitely! At the penthouse!! This is bad news. This is really bad. I feel like my family is slipping away…

Full of stuffing

November 27, 2006

No. No. NO. David’s just a liar. That’s all. So what if I’m not numero uno on his hit list like I said – I’m sure I’m still on it. David’s just trying to screw up my family. He hates Zach and Ryan and this is just another lie, another angle, a ploy to get at them through me. And he’s using an innocent kid for God’s sake. That man will stoop so low… Well, I won’t let the SOB get under my skin. I just won’t. Spike is Ryan’s only child -- the only one that will call him daddy. And we all know Emma had a father. Just because that perv died doesn't mean he never existed. I don’t even know why I’m still talking about this, it’s hardly worth repeating. That’s why I didn’t tell Zach. Why be honest with someone about lies – it’s a waste of our time. We have turkey, cranberry sauce, pumpkin pie to look forward to – not secrets that can shatter another holiday.

They say it's stranger than fiction

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Ryan is what?!?!?! Un-huh. No way. No how. What? Is he like the only sperm donor out there? It’s impossible. Okay. It’s possible. But it’s even less likely when the source of info is David “wonder drug" Hayward. I swear that guy carries a chem set and an evil agenda even into the bathroom. And he has a royal hate-on for Ryan from way back. But why would he make this up? Just to mess up Ryan’s life? Now? Out of the blue? There’s got to be more to it. And why hurt me in the process? David and I aren’t friends, but I know he hates about 33 other people with more of a vengeance. I’m so not next on his hit list… But it’s just so out there – it might be true?

Staging a holiday

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Thanksgiving is going to be a disaster. I keep leaving messages with the Valley Inn, but the manager does not want to talk to me. Probably because every year we’re there something disastrous happens, and their busiest night of the year turns into the slowest when every patron runs screaming for the nearest pizza parlor while some member of my family hurls the sweet potatoes at someone else. Last year totally sucked. But this year… Nowhere to go but up. Right? Ha! Like that’s ever true in PV. Erica and Jack are in the middle of a cold war – and Bianca and I need to warm them up long enough so Jack can carve the turkey and say grace. It’s Spike’s first Thanksgiving – and it needs to be a happy, loving one! Is it possible for just one day for everyone to put aside their differences and pass the gravy? Probably not. But can’t we all try to fake it?

Breathing in life

Monday, November 20, 2006

New campaigns, the holidays coming up – shopping for gifts, sending out cards, taking Spike to see Santa – in addition to my crazy family being extra crazy – this time of year is totally out of control. Life is moving so fast - even while I’m asleep I dream about what I need to do, finish, accomplish – because you feel like you’re drowning when you’re not constantly moving. Until – you get the sweetest slice of life you could ask for – some down time with my men. Zach did the most romantic thing and took me away from my insane life without even moving me an inch – he brought the romance to me. With a side of Spike as the cutest pilgrim ever. Could I ask for more? As chaotic as things may be – it’s nice to know you can slow life down for the people you love.

Giving thanks

Friday, November 17, 2006

Wow. Next week is Thanksgiving. How crazy is that? It was just summer – what feels like yesterday. And now the Christmas decorations are starting to spread across PV like a snowstorm. Where did the year go? Do you guys feel that way, too? But I have so much to be thankful for – Bianca’s home, Josh exists, Zach is Zach and Spike – Spike is the absolute most amazing little guy who’s changed my life completely for the better. Same can be said for Zach – but children have that special way. You know? Just last year the world collapsed when Greenlee blew up Thanksgiving – and now I have a little boy who has stolen my heart and owns my soul – and I couldn’t be more grateful. What do you have to be thankful for? I’m dying to know.

Keep on keeping on

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Okay. Say it. Scream it. I know you all want to. I will regret what I did today. I know I will. You’re absolutely right – so I am giving you all a pre-emptive “I told you so” moment. After hitting backspace on Babe yesterday, I went and did a complete 180 by pushing her to stay with Fusion. What’s wrong with me? But – she’s not getting out of this the easy way – like she always does. I will not provide an escape hatch for that nitwit. She got herself into a huge puddle of problems and the “cut your losses and run” mentality isn’t working for me. Her life’s bottoming out – I know what that feels like – and so she needs to take a stand and make it work. Like we all do. First thing: Make money for a company she partly owns. If it helps her in the process to have something to focus on – fine – if not, at least I didn’t let her off easy. And Fusion makes more money. We all have problems, issues, things that suck – you pick up the pieces and continue to go along for the ride – you stay and fight and see what’s left to look forward to when the dust settles. That’s called life.

Delete

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

I pray and dream that Josh has let Babe go. Even if it’s just to prove he can. She is bad news. Between Maggie cheating on Bianca, who is the most beautiful person inside and out, and Babe ruining my brother’s life – I’m sick of these predators feeding off of the humanity my family has. Bianca’s feeling guilty JR tossed himself into a bottle then out of a window because her heart’s been shattered. Then there’s Josh… who apparently is to blame for a marriage imploding that he’s not even in. Everyone seems to forget that Babe and JR were never the fairy tale couple – hello, he tried to kill her! Anyway, if Josh can’t, then I will - I am deleting Babe from all things sacred and that damn well includes Fusion.

New Day

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Long night. New day. Most days you wake up and do your mental checklist – get ready, go to work, go to a couple of meetings, try to squeeze in a brilliant idea or two and come home to the ones you love – but some days, that routine doesn’t go anywhere near as planned. Really long night last night. JR is going to make it. I’m still angry with him. On top of the general I hate him for almost killing me thing – I am just so sick of people hiding behind the truth. It’s what caused a lot of problems for Zach and me this past summer, and it’s what’s always prevented me from being happy. JR has a son, and he almost killed himself and made that little boy fatherless. Did he even think of Little Adam or was he too wasted to think of anything past a mini-bottle of scotch and a bad idea? His marriage sucks, he has a disease he needs to conquer every day - but he has a son – a family – and that’s what he needs to remember and realize is worth fighting for – even if it is JR that’s doing the fighting.

Moving on

Monday, November 13, 2006

She should forget about Maggie. Just move on. Au revoir. Bianca can do so much better than a cheating, non-committal – eh, what does it matter. I can rail on all I want – Bianca’s heart is where it is for now – temporarily stuck. I tried to reason with her heart, her logic, but Bianca reminded me you can’t reason your feelings away overnight. I couldn’t do it about Zach. Josh can’t shake Babe. And Bianca is in a lousy place – unlucky in love and hopeful. Those aren’t good odds. I should know… I almost lost Zach recently and that was the tug-of-war to beat all heartache.  But we made it back – no thanks to Tad. But before, he looked so haunted by it all. He seemed sincerely sorry for smashing my soul to bits on his patio. I didn’t know whether to hate him or hug him for being so lost, so tormented. But why do it in the first place? Why lie to me? Whatever. It’s over. A man was buried and died. And we all need to find a way to kill some things in our lives and bury them for good – we all have demons, problems, heartache – drama. What we all need is family, friends, love, peace, humanity - hope.

Wrong way to exit

Friday, November 10, 2006

That drunken idiot ran out a window! I’ve been pretty wasted in my day – a few tequila shots too many and who know what’s going to happen next – but I would never – ever – take a flying leap down four stories. Moron. I’m so angry at JR – for hurting someone again – even if it’s himself. And Josh being blamed for it, and Bianca feeling guilty about it – it’s just so out there. This is Babe’s marriage to JR. If she cheated, he should take his angst out on her – not scare the daylights out of my sister, or have my brother be the scapegoat for the messed up marriage they have. I may have been fuming at my little brother a few days ago, but when I saw him covered in blood… thank God he’s okay. Thank God JR didn’t come after him and hurt him… or worse. Thank God for life.

Get on here and vote!

Thursday, November 9, 2006

So Election Day was just two short days ago and of course I voted. But who, if you were in my shoes, would you vote for in my life? Obviously there are two non-negotiable categories – best husband in the world = Zach, and best kid in the world = Spike (Miranda is almost tied there). But what would you vote for since you know me so well. Best friend ever? Most trustworthy? Funniest person I know? Worst enemy? Dumbest thing I’ve done? Smartest (there are a few!)? And the list goes on… so make up your own.

Getting to know you

Wednesday, November 8, 2006

So my fellow bloggers. What’s going on in your corner of the world? You stop by daily, listen to me rant, rave, bleed out emotion all over the internet – but where are you from? What do you all do for a living? For fun? With your family? What’s a funny little something that’s happened to you in the past few weeks? Who’s the biggest celeb you’ve spotted? I’m dying to know more about the people who know so much about me.

Spike

Tuesday, November 7, 2006

So as I scrolled through my camera to upload some pics, mysteriously (hmmm) all of the pictures of Zach in his Red Wings jersey were missing. Wonder how that happened? Or who could have done that? I asked, but Zach seems to think the camera “just didn’t like" him. HA! As if any camera wouldn’t want to snap tons of photos of him. Well, at least my sly, conniving, sexy husband saved the pictures of my other man – Spike -- so I can show you how frickin’ adorable he was for Halloween. Hope you enjoy these.

Home

Monday, November 6, 2006

Okay. When I said Zach is going to freak - I wasn't expecting that! He had me totally wigging out, too. The whole car ride over to ConFusion my heart was racing believing Zach was reconsidering us – our agreement to work through our issues, stay together, make it to the happily ever after part. But it was just about that damn house. I don’t need that house. Any house will do as long as I have Zach and Spike. A shack will suffice. Okay. Maybe not a shack, but a comfortable, nice-sized… who am I kidding? After that drawing he made – I want it all – but with him in it. My heart’s always been in a million places or in a million pieces. Growing up, I always felt as though my heart was somewhere I couldn’t find it, then I came to PV to figure out what having one meant – that took awhile, then Ryan drove away and took part of it with him and left me with the rest – but Zach has it all. The whole thing. And I know this is going to sound so cliché and I am setting myself up for being a total girl – but if home is where the heart is then I’m so glad I found my home.

Line in the sand

Friday, November 3, 2006

That was surreal. I just met Donny Osmond! He’s so cute. I mean he’s adorable on TV, but in real life – total hunk. And he handled all of us loons. That guy’s a pro. So is Erica – she handles everything with such grace, dignity… penache. Then there’s us – the screaming kiddies. But Josh was 100 percent wrong! Zach did not kill Greg, and I won’t stand there and listen to my brother bash my husband’s integrity, especially with his stellar choice in relationships. I love Zach. And I am beginning to love my brother – I still have to get to know him, but the bond is there. But… if I have to choose, I choose a happy life with the man of my dreams – no question. So Josh will have to swallow his rank remarks or lose me.

Anyway. I cannot wait to show my McDreamy our dream home – he’s gonna freak!

Black market real estate

Thursday, November 2, 2006

I’ll sell a kidney if I have to. Heck, half of PV seems to survive without two – and I’m sure one of them could eventually use the damn thing – but I will have that house. I loved it. From the second I walked in I wanted it. Then when I saw Babe – I had to have it. I know that sounds awful, petty, juvenile… but who cares? Zach and I can use this kind of fresh start, too. JR and Babe aren’t the only couple finding their way back to bliss [if they ever even had it in the first place] – so they can just take a flying leap off that gorgeous balcony – MY balcony. At least the view will be spectacular on their way down.

I can totally picture Zach and Spike running around the family room, Bianca spending the holidays in the guest room. Me, eating a lovely meal prepared by our cook in the dining room with my two favorite boys. Family. Love. Life as a Kodak moment in my mind. And to get all of that, I’ll lie, cheat, steal, even squawk my head off to get that house out from under anyone, including Babe.

Trick or treat

Wednesday, November 1, 2006

And by popular demand… drum roll please. That’s right. Spike was a goalie for Halloween. He was the cutest little Red Wings player ever to hit the ice or in this case the streets of PV looking for candy – that I get to eat!! There was one cutie checking out the Spikester on our way home. Who could blame her? He was so adorable with Zach – they wore matching jerseys! And Spike only cried once – but that’s totally not his fault. Mrs. Paulson was scary looking, and trust me, I’ve seen her without the witch costume – not much better. Don’t worry concerned moms of America, I made sure he was all bundled up and we only walked around for a little while so he wouldn’t get a fever again. Maybe I should have kept him inside, but I couldn’t let him miss his first Halloween! How was yours?