…pave the road to hell

Friday, September 22, 2006

I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t go through with it. The right choice was staring me in the face, kissing me on the lips, and I just could not take that humongous leap. Kendall Hart – selfish Kendall Hart would have jumped Ryan’s bones and felt great for a few hours. Then regretted it the second he walked out the door. I love Ryan. A part of me will always love him. But I still love Zach. And as much as I love this history, this fire that’s always been between Ryan and me – I dream and hope and wish on every star I can possibly look up and see in the sky that Zach and I will get past this. That he won’t look at me with rage and hurt in his eyes anymore. That he’ll get out of this murder trial, and I can forgive him for keeping the truth from me – again - and just get back to being who I know we should be -- The Slaters. This weird, crazy, strange, loving – God, so loving – family. So… I couldn’t go through with it. And I know I shouldn’t go back and forth between Ryan and Zach, but my head says to make the wise choice, the decision that would be best, and easiest and safe – Ryan. But then my heart keeps pounding away for Zach. So would hopping into the sack with Ryan and thinking about Zach half the time be the smart choice? I hope not! Because I love both of them enough to not want to hurt either one by making some impulsive, stupid decision. Or worse-- some well thought out plan my heart’s not fully into. Am I messing up what I could have with Ryan for something I may never have again with Zach? What am I doing? I’m sitting here – balling about how much I want Spike to know both of them, and to get to love both of his daddies. But that’s not fair. Is it? And I want what’s best for me, too – can’t say I don’t.  But can that really be both Ryan and Zach? Or am I still just the same old selfish Kendall Hart?

Comments

[Margaret Smith]

Now Kendall you can't have both men. Both can be Spikes father but you can only have one. You will have to follow your heart and i believe Zac is the one you really love.Ryan left you years ago and chose Greely over you. So let Ryan be just what he is Spike's sperm donor. Don't try to rekindle the flames you had long ago. Zac will be their for you and be a father to Spike. Kendall you are so beautiful I just had to add that.

[Barb NY]

Kendall...You did the right thing today by not making love with Ryan. You do not love him the way you love Zach. In your heart you know that. Zach is your husband and the love of your life. It's time for Ryan to move on. To be fair to him, he needs someone that will be there for him alone. Now you need to work things out with Zach. You both love each other. You have to get past this current mess and back to the way you were. Fight for your husband and your love. Get rid of that tramp Dixie once and for all. Show her what the Kane women are like!

[Kelli]

Your not selfish. It would have been easy to fall into bed with Ryan. You do have to make a choice and you know that choice is Zach. Zach is the one that you truly love and who truly loves you. Keep wishing on those stars and you and Zach will be back together and happy before you know it.

[MK]

Well, first of all, I'm glad that you didn't go through with bedding Ryan! Secondly, you have to stop going between the two, and pick the man that your heart tells you to, hopefully that's ZACH! I think that you and Zach can get through anything, but you have to start having faith in him and his love for you, and stop putting Ryan ahead of him! Zach is your husband and should be your top priority, not Ryan! Ryan should not even be an after thought, now that you're married to Zach! You cannot have 2 husbands Kendall, and you should be sure of your love for Zach, inwhich I thought you were when you re-married him! You seem to think of Ryan as some noble man, who can do no wrong, but you know that's not the case! Ryan has hurt you more than once, but you seem to have forgotten that, and now acts as though he has never done anything to hurt you, and we all know that this isn't true! Your memory seems to have failed you when it comes to Ryan, and remembering the man as he truly is! You should be by Zach's side through all this, not bar-hopping, and almost having sex with Ryan! Zach doesn't deserve that type of disloyalty! I hope that you have come to your senses, and that you get your priorities straight, because behaving like you have been, is not good for you marriage!

[MrsK]

Kendall,

You're hurting and your marriage is in trouble. Now is not the time to make any major decisions or changes. Taking that breather was a very smart thing to do. Just chill with Spike, who by the way can't get too much love. There is no reason why he can't have BOTH Zach and Ryan in his life, unlike his mom...who when the time is right, will know EXZACHTLY where her heart lies.

[HalfPint]

Kendall,

I am so proud of the growth you've had in the past year...much of it having to do with becoming Zach's wife and Spike's mother. You made the right and best choice for you, Zach, Spike AND Ryan.

Let your heart guide you and if you are still uncertain or if you need someone to talk to, I've found that Myrtle is a wonderful listener as well as the voice of wisdom.

[Michele A]

I wish you wisdom and the courage to get through this struggle and the trial. Zach did not lie to you and he said he would not do anything to hurt you. He truly loves you. Please believe him. Ryan is just a good friend to have around talk to share baby responsibilities and that is it. While you are looking at the stars tonight thinking about Zach, I will be here in PA praying that you and Zach can find each other again and only love each other

[Doris]

Good for the new and mature Kendall! Smart move. Take some time for yourself...to just be Spike's mom. You'll be glad you did.

Zach isn't going anywhere and still loves you "more than life". However, I do believe that both of you are lost without each other's love. Believe in yourself and the rest will follow.

[Melanie]

Kendall:
You have changed and that is because of Zach's love!

[allie]

Kendall:
Zach is the only man for you!

[tkpoetry]

Now that's my girl talking. There is no reason you can't have two daddies in Spike's life, but it is not fair to any of you to want to be with both Ryan and Zach unless one of them is just friends. I think you already know which one is the right choice for your heart and the one that loves you completely so just go for it. Just go to Zach and have a long, soulful talk that you both vowed to have.
I am proud of you and how you have matured into a lovely wife and mother. Zach will be proven innocent and you both will be able to work side by side as a family to resolve any obstacle that comes your way. Your investment will pay off just keep the faith.

[Bonnie]

At last Kendall you realize that just because you love both Ryan and Zach you love love Zach. I was proud of you today that you realized that in time, before you let Ryan bed you...had that happened even I would have kicked you to the curb. Ryan is like an old shoe - you are comfortable with him, he is there, however, you don;t love him in the real way No you can't have 2 men. If you really think that then you can't have Zach either. You have to figure that out. I think one of you guys has to move - lviing across from each other will be too painful for Ryan. He also doesn't love love you!!! His loves changes when its convenient for him!!! I think he had something to do with Madden but we shall see. Zach didn't do it. He didn't lie to you!! AND you keep saying Zach lies to you - hey once ??? from the blackout - anyway let's think positively and move forward not backward ..Remember the dragonfly, "things are not as they seem" I think this will be true again.

[Kelly]

Kendall, you are not a selfish person at all. You were smart on not sleeping with Ryan when your heart is with Zach. The love that you have for Ryan is not the jump- your- bones love but that of love of good deep friends. Take a deep breath and relax;then figure out how you want to save your relationship with Zach. You need to step back and try to come up with a plan on how to win back Zach and work on improving your trust in him.

[rmk]

Kendall, You did the right thing by not sleeping with Ryan. Just because you think Ryan would be the safe way to go, doesn't mean it would be the right choice for you. And just the fact that you have to think about this, shows that Ryan isn't right for you. Your heart and love belongs to Zach. What you feel for Ryan is a deep bond and friendship, but I really don't see anything else, and like you said, it's no fair to Ryan to let him think there is a chance. I don't think you are being selfish at all for wanting to be happy as a wife to Zach and a mother to Spike. But you can't have Ryan hanging in the background just in case. You told Zach that nothing was unforgiveable..
you will be able to prove that by believing in his innocence and letting Zach know how much you love him when he tells you the truth about that night. It will be a long road for Zach too, but if the two of you work at it together I know you can make it and forgive each other.

[carmen]

kendall, i am soooo proud of you! i was worried for a minute, but you clearly made the right choice.i'm not the biggest ryan fan, but i really love the fact that he backed off. zach loves you with all his heart and you sleeping with ryan would absolutely kill him. being a mom has really changed you. you actually think before you act. so good job! just be a little more patient and your man(zach) will be home soon, and you can get it on all you want!

[ruth]

well looks like you came to your senses. and what is best for you is zach and only zach.

[Kristen]

Kendall..

I am proud of you. I am proud that you walked away, you thought things through and you came to the right choice.

If you slept with Ryan, it would be for all the wrong reasons. Your heart and soul belong to the man who gave you that ring. Your desire is to be with him.

You are right, if you did sleep with Ryan, you would hurt both of them. You would also hurt yourself and this whole mess would be that much more confusing and painful.

Kendall, being with Ryan is not right and it has not been for some time now. Your history is complex, you had good times and some very, very bad times. I don't doubt that a part of you will always love him, but you are no longer in love with him.

It is not an act of selfishness when you are seeking out the place that gives you happiness. You are incredibly happy and complete with Zach. That is something that you have never, ever felt before. By following through on your vows, by hoping and praying you both can get through this, you are giving Spike what he needs.

He can be loved by all of you. Your life is with Zach and you are a family. Ryan is Spike's father and can always be in his life. But it is time for you Kendall to know you do not have to depend on Ryan for anything. You have yourself, you are strong and you are capable.

You proved that today by walking away.

Kristen