All My Children: Kendall's Hart To Heart

Captive audience

Friday, September 29, 2006

So I’m the first one to say some pretty crazy stuff can happen when you’re on a witness stand. Hello, Greenlee ripping my dress off! But after today, I don’t know if I’m still in some whacked out nightmare or not. If Tad was at the airport all night – then he couldn’t have seen Zach and Dixie bury Greg. The video proves it. But Tad – he’s unraveling so fast, he was spewing such hate and animosity – is any of it true? Did I put my trust in someone who lied? Again? But Ryan found that disc. In our home. So what is the truth? How do we find it? And where do any of us go if we actually do?

Watching life pass you by

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Pain junkie. That’s what I must be. Sucker for heartache like I said a few posts ago. Myrtle helped convince me to go to court today. Not my idea of fun. That’s for sure. But I have to see this through. Part of me wants to support Zach, the other part wants to run like hell and never look back. But I can’t do that. Either of them really. Not now. So I’ll watch – watch my marriage go bye bye or search for a sliver of something to hold onto. I don’t know which... I really have no clue.

Looking out for me and mine

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

I don’t know if it’s jealousy, or being protective, but I will not see some other chick use the “help me” eyes on one of my men. I know that sounds crazy. And I know technically Ryan isn’t “my” man – but he’s a lot more than just some guy I know, and that makes Annie my business. I’m not blaming her for having a twisted ex – we’ve all been there – or actually being in need of some real help – she seems more on the up and up than dumbass Dixie, but my trouble radar is bleeping like crazy. What are Annie’s intentions?

Work is the best thing for me. Really. It is. I can’t stay home and picture Zach everywhere I turn. I love my little boy – but I see Ryan’s eyes looking back at me – and I am staying wayyyyyy far away from that courtroom. Not a chance I’m gonna sit through a trial and have my heart splayed out in front of an audience – I can’t watch my life with Zach spiral down the drain. Can you blame me for keeping my distance?

Breakfast with a side of hope

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

So trying to act all normal and casual with Ryan was more than a little weird. I don’t know why. I mean I know why – but he’s right, nothing happened happened. I mean – IT almost happened. But who cares? IT has happened before – when we used to be together – so life goes on. Right? Ugh. Nothing’s normal. Will it ever? Probably not. I hope I didn’t screw something else up – another relationship in my life. I wanted to get all this jumbled up mess of a heart I have out there in the open – maybe talking will help me make sense of it, but Jamie stopped by. God, if there’s even a chance Zach didn’t bury Greg – maybe there is hope for us. I know. It’s stupid. But my heart is still holding out for an eleventh hour save. But what are the odds?

Torn in two

Monday, September 25, 2006

I’m having some freaking weird nightmares now. Great. Even sleeping isn’t safe. I don’t know which end is up anymore. It’s like there are these two sides to me, one is fighting for Ryan, the other for Zach, and I don’t know if any of it is real, or true or if just part of it makes sense – or if everything is just so royally screwed up I’ll never get the chance to even figure it all out. Josh dropped by. Reminded me my love life isn’t the only one in the toilet these days. Babe is an idiot. She’s got Josh – who’s the whole package and then JR – and she sticks with the homicidal one. But maybe that’s what people do – we’re all suckers for heartache – because sometimes you just cling onto the very thing that could completely decimate your insides. But there is that chance of the ultimate payoff – true blue love. I don’t know what Josh will do – if he’s going to torpedo JR and Babe’s marriage or not – but these days I have no idea what anyone should or shouldn’t do in relationships, especially my own.

…pave the road to hell

Friday, September 22, 2006

I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t go through with it. The right choice was staring me in the face, kissing me on the lips, and I just could not take that humongous leap. Kendall Hart – selfish Kendall Hart would have jumped Ryan’s bones and felt great for a few hours. Then regretted it the second he walked out the door. I love Ryan. A part of me will always love him. But I still love Zach. And as much as I love this history, this fire that’s always been between Ryan and me – I dream and hope and wish on every star I can possibly look up and see in the sky that Zach and I will get past this. That he won’t look at me with rage and hurt in his eyes anymore. That he’ll get out of this murder trial, and I can forgive him for keeping the truth from me – again - and just get back to being who I know we should be -- The Slaters. This weird, crazy, strange, loving – God, so loving – family. So… I couldn’t go through with it. And I know I shouldn’t go back and forth between Ryan and Zach, but my head says to make the wise choice, the decision that would be best, and easiest and safe – Ryan. But then my heart keeps pounding away for Zach. So would hopping into the sack with Ryan and thinking about Zach half the time be the smart choice? I hope not! Because I love both of them enough to not want to hurt either one by making some impulsive, stupid decision. Or worse-- some well thought out plan my heart’s not fully into. Am I messing up what I could have with Ryan for something I may never have again with Zach? What am I doing? I’m sitting here – balling about how much I want Spike to know both of them, and to get to love both of his daddies. But that’s not fair. Is it? And I want what’s best for me, too – can’t say I don’t.  But can that really be both Ryan and Zach? Or am I still just the same old selfish Kendall Hart?

The best laid intentions…

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Must be the bubbly, or maybe it was the company I kept, or maybe it’s just stardust, but tonight’s been one helluva night. I want to love Ryan. It’s true. I really do. Why wouldn’t I? He’s hot as hell, funny, charming, reliable, strong, confident, pretty honest – total catch. And he’s been my rock. He’s the one person I can turn to when I’m crying my eyes out about Zach, and freaking out about Spike or just when I’m being kooky Kendall – he’s just always there. We have so much crazy history. A ton of it isn’t so great – downright vicious, actually. And sure, he’s made his fair share of mistakes. I’ve made whoppers of my own, too. But he’s the one I would love to be with. I want to be with. I should be with. He’s my son’s father. My guardian angel. He’s in this corner of my heart that I can tap into at the blink of an eye. I do feel love for him. I honestly do. Dixie may be a peeping tom trollop– but she sees something between us. She must. She knows Ryan’s where my heart should belong. I need to make this happen.  Make this work.

Hard Habit To Break

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

When life hands you lemons – you try to make some lemonade, right? Ryan and I went out for a night on the town – tried to get my mind off of “everything”. Just enjoy some good old-fashioned drinking, clubbing, partying – conversation. And we were. I actually laughed. Seems like forever ago I had a good time, a decent laugh – but Ryan makes things feel not so out of whack. Close to normal. Even with a bullet hole in his chest he’s taking care of me. Or at least helped me get plastered enough so I didn’t have to think about how screwy this whole summer has been. And just when I have a few minutes of relative peace, I was thisssss close to it, I run into JR who played the Zach card in about 3 seconds. What a creep. If it weren’t for his twisted mother, Zach would … whatever. I’m sick of repeating myself. JR’s a buzzkill – actually he’s a would-be killer – and he once again made my world crash down on me. Fast and hard. How do I keep doing this, keep messing up, keep making the exact wrong choice in who to love…? Where am I going so wrong? Can’t I make myself love the right guy, the Mr. Fix-It who actually confides in me? Why can’t I control something that seems like it’s just a bad habit? I need to try.

Emotional Pandemonium

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Zach was fuming. All out rage. I’ve never seen him so out of control. He threw that chair and my heart went right along with it. And what he said to me… he hates me. I’m furious with him, sure, but I do still love him. But now… we’re over. I mean really over. He’s done with me. He’s going to be put away for life – maybe even a death sentence – and he hates me. The look in his eyes…That’s not the Zach I know. So ruthless, and biting and – he sliced my heart open. Who has he become? I can’t even think about this right now – I’m on complete overload. Usually work clears my head, but not today. Not a chance. I see Josh headed straight into what should be no-man’s land with Babe. But he’s got it bad for her and there’s no stopping him. Why she sticks with JR? No clue. She can’t trust him; he lies, keeps secrets – you can’t forgive that. You can try – but you never really do. I should know… I just need a way out of all this craziness. An escape hatch. An answer, a clue – some peace. Where’s the best place to find that?

The Cellblock Tango

Monday, September 18, 2006

Little Miss Desperate should have stayed dead. I said it before – on TV – and I’ll say it again. Ever since Dixie’s come back to this town she has turned so many lives upside down, ripped families to shreds – all in the name of her daughter – the one she GAVE up. I know Kate is out there. And I get that. But that woman just… Ugh. Now Zach is in jail for beating up Tad. And Dixie calls me faithless? Where was her faith in Tad when she handed his kid off to Greg. Huh? She can prance around all she wants, strutting her bland, country bumpkin looks in front of Zach – won’t matter. She’ll be 78 and rotting in a prison cell before she sees the light of day. So I hope it was all worth it – blowing through town like another frickin’ hurricane. She can have all her secrets and memories with Zach while she lies awake at night in an 8X10 for all I care – but I won’t be the one to padlock their lives away. I won’t blow their alibi. Not for her sake. But for Zach’s. I still love him – I don’t want him gone… completely. And I am so sick of my life being one big grudgematch – I have a future to plan, a son to raise – that’s numero uno on my list of things to accomplish. Not dance around with the police and get my heart stepped on in the process.

You win some, you lose some

Friday, September 15, 2006

Ryan’s looking tons better – he has his color back, his humor is still intact – but couldn’t they have amputated his hero gene? Take out the bullet AND his compulsion to be noble. I want Spike to be selfish – stay out of potential dangerous situations – UNLIKE his daddy, who has gone toe-to-toe with gunshots more times than I care to remember. But Ryan’s still Ryan - trying to fix things, make life better for everyone around him – which is why I knew there wasn’t a snowball’s chance in hell I could stop him from helping his brother. I know how he feels - if Bianca were in trouble – not even a coma or a murder rap could keep me away from standing by her. I should know…

…So I stopped thinking about Zach for like 2.5 seconds – and then I found out he’s in jail. Just downstairs from where I was standing. For attacking Tad of all people! That just makes him look even guiltier. I can’t take this. Seeing him, having my heart beat so fast I want to jump up and down and back into his arms, but my head screaming at me – “No, Kendall. He did it. He buried Greg. He lied to you. Again.” I can’t take this tug-of-war. And I’m just so sick of this game of dodgeball with him and his version of the truth. He wanted to tell me “everything.” Doesn’t he get it; I can’t listen to him tell me another non-answer – because it puts me right back to feeling lied to. And feeling betrayed by him is the worst kind of hurt – so no, Zach, I don’t need another heaping dose of feeling lousy.

Annie got her gun

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Annie shot Ryan! He was on the floor, blood seeping out of his chest – I totally freaked. At first, I thought Annie was insane. Why wouldn’t I? And before you all bring it up – when I shot Ryan that was a total accident and that gun should never have been loaded in the first place. But seeing him lying there, looking so pale – I don’t know what I’d do, how I’d go on if Spike lost his father. If I lost Ryan… He’s my best friend. He’ll be fine. I know he will. He has to be…

Well, at least one good thing came out of this bizarre nightmare – that creep Terry was wheeled into the ER. Dead. Jonathan shot him. If that skeeze touched Lily… I’ll toe tag him myself. Jonathan’s her hero. He protected someone he loves. And I know if I thought someone was coming after me and mine, I would do a whole lot worse than pump the bastard with a bullet. No one touches my family and gets away with it. No one.

Fall lineup

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Hey, everyone. So since my life seems to be in shambles (romantically speaking) and I have a newborn to take care of, I have a very important question: Which ABC shows should I pick up this season? I’ve never really had that much free time on my hands to really sit down and get into primetime TV – and I’m still going to be crazy busy with Spike and Fusion – but which ones do you watch and why? Maybe I need a good comedy to make me laugh like Boston Legal – or do you think it’d be better if I were all tied up in some sinfully good drama like Grey’s Anatomy where I can watch and say, “I guess I don’t have it so bad – look at what Meredith is going through”? I’m not sure. What do you think? I’m Lost. Ha!

Call it how you feel it

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

So my mother mentioned yesterday that if I named my son Spike – what would I name a dog if I ever got one. And I started to wonder – what’s really in a name? Of course, Spike is an unusual name – I know that. But it feels right for my son. Especially because of the way he was conceived and came into this world. He was so small, so fragile – yet ferociously tough. He survived so much, so young – beat all the odds. A name like Spike – to me – just fits. He’s a tough guy. You know? Well, I began to think about what certain names mean to certain people. When I hear the name Erica – I think strength, glamour, classy. Bianca – I think beautiful, honest, loving. Obviously, I’m biased – but what are some of your favorite names and what do they mean to you? And what are your kids’ names and why did you choose them?

Back to good

Monday, September 11, 2006

As you all know my mother stopped by before and I had some amazing one-on-one time with her. It meant more to me than I can even describe - especially today. I know I've been going on and on (and on) about Zach, Dixie, Ryan, murder, betrayal - blah blah blah. And you have all been an incredibly supportive audience. Friends I look forward to hearing from. People who advise me on how to clear my head, and truly help me in a pinch. But today - I am going to write about hope. I know - the hopeless writing about hope. But here goes:

Hope - for the now, for the future, for the forever. 5 years ago today the world changed. Not just my world, my thoughts, my feelings, but all of ours. And no matter what faith, leader, moral compass you prescribe to - we've all changed. Immeasurably. It's more than just how you pack your carry-on, or the extra furtive glances you give to check out what's going on around you in a crowded public place - it's how you view things in general - how you act daily - how you make decisions on a global basis. And sure - it becomes commonplace and you begin to feel "back to normal" "back to the good ole days" "back to right" -- Whatever. But no matter how much you think we've reverted to "back" with all of our precautions and safety measures, on this day every year you remember what happened and what’s most important in the world. Life. And living it freely - and that's the path I am damn well putting Spike on. And Erica’s right. I know I can't coat him in armor or safeproof his heart. He'll have his owwies and emotional scars soon enough - but I beg God every day that the world will be a better place for him. A more carefree place. Like it used to be. Or seemed to be. And if it's not - then I hope he'll contribute something to make it that way for his kids. For the future. Today is bigger than me, than Spike - bigger than even Erica. Today is about all of us and a brighter future than our not so distant past. 

Love,

Kendall

Keeping my eye on the prize

Friday, September 8, 2006

Bad day went to even worse in no time. Seeing Zach with Spike takes this whole sucky situation to a whole new level. I know he loves Spike. Spike loves Zach. I even know Zach loves me. That, I am not debating at all. But trust - he lied to me. Again. I asked him flat out what's his deal about Greg. Said he didn’t bury Greg. Again. He asked me, and I had to say it out loud - I am taking Tad's word over his. There's no other way to slice it - our marriage is falling apart. "Always only you." That's what it says on my wedding ring, but there's me in his heart and then there are all these secrets he won't let me in on. Secrets that affect us. No matter what he thinks.

It's so hard to keep it together right now. So hard to stay strong - even for Spike. But that's when Ryan helps -- holds what's most important right in front of me. Spike. I needed Ryan to stay - I didn't want to be alone with my thoughts. They're too scary, too real. So instead we focused on the best part of any of this mess - our son. My baby boy is what's right in my world and that's something that will never change.

Does stress count as OT?

Thursday, September 7, 2006

Looooong day. Even longer night. No sleep. Spike was a perfect angel - but my thoughts kept me pacing, waiting, hoping... Nothing. No change. Nada. So I went to work - looking like $%@. Work usually helps me focus - put my mind on something other than my messed up life, but with Josh there - in my face saying he saw Zach and me together on the roof, that he knows the affair with Dixie is a fraud - doesn't help me concentrate on work at all. Because then I was forced to explain: What he saw may have happened, but Zach and I are done. Over. Finito. God, I had to say those words out loud and it totally sucked. I felt punched. Hard. As if it that wasn’t bad enough, I watched Josh go all gaga over Babe. What the hell does she do to men? Befuddle them into submission with some hex? Josh would do anything for her - he's keeping quiet about Zach and me simply because she asked him to. How does she get men to put their faith in her?

Broken

Wednesday, September 6, 2006

That’s it. We’re over. He lied. To me. Again. Went to Tad. Asked him a question. At least he answered. “Yes.” Zach. Did. It. Tad’s not lying. Why would he? I broke down. Completely. Sobbed. On the ground. In Tad’s arms. Cried my heart out. What’s left…? For my marriage, this family I’ve come to love – all over. Nothing.

Approaching meltdown

Tuesday, September 5, 2006

I am so sick of these non-answers from Zach. What’s the big frickin’ deal? I ask him a question and he tells me “No. I didn’t bury Madden.” But then won’t explain where that recording came from. I’m not supposed to be curious! I’m not supposed to wonder how the hell he got hold of something like that? Come on! Why can’t I get the whole story from MY husband?!!! I keep asking. He keeps not answering. I just get: “Take it on faith, Kendall.” Yeah. Right. Like I have EVER done that and not gotten my heart stomped on and steamrolled. Blind faith’s too hard in general. And knowing all this… I want answers – all of them - NOW. I don’t care if I sound like I’m throwing an adult-sized marriage tantrum – the truth is what I need to fix us.

So…then I asked him to drop Dixie like the dull rock she is. Promised I’d let all these questions go. He “won’t” do it. This isn’t let’s make a deal anymore – I am officially about to reach my breaking point. He brought up Ryan – I brought up hot-to-trot Dixie – Kaboom! – he slammed out of the office – I left alone, miserable. I feel like I’m fighting a losing battle – call it quits or turn this thing around? I don’t know which anymore. Or if I even still have that option…

Happy Labor Day

Monday, September 4, 2006

Hey, everyone. I hope you guys are having an amazing day off (hopefully, you all actually are off) hanging out with your families, cooking your bbq’s, and basking in the last few days of summer. Can I tell you, this summer flew by and it’s always depressing when that happens. Now, it’s September – and with that (for me at least) comes a bunch of new campaigns for Fusion’s fall rollout/holiday packaging and this damn murder trial. I don’t know what to do about life anymore… I just feel so lost. I could really use that vacation I was talking about a few weeks ago… But no matter how down I am, I’d love to hear all about your wonderful day – and how you all took some time to enjoy yourselves and the good things in life. I’m praying it will cheer me up a little.

It’s all coming back to me now

Friday, September 1, 2006

Air. Needed air. And suddenly, the atmosphere felt stuffy – Babe. Right where I needed to be – there she was. Cosmic joke – or backhanded idea of help – I don’t know which. Maybe talking to her wasn’t so bad. Josh yelling at me though – that totally sucked. Cherry on my sundae. And I wasn’t even really attacking her for once – but whatever. Can you really never get past a huge betrayal? I know I never was able to – but I always believed that was just me. My screwed up way of thinking. My past. My issues. But Babe – that girl is naïve enough to stick up for me – to Josh, who is her friend. If she can’t get past a major betrayal – maybe there is no hope for Zach and me. God, I hate thinking that, typing it. I want to try so hard to beat this thing. To have him tell me everything and for us to go back to perfect. Or our version of it anyway. But these secrets – again, like the blackout – maybe I can’t get past it. Maybe I never did. I tried. Damn hard. I really tried. But as soon as things went south – brought me back to that scary place – where I wake up at night sweating from the fear and anxiety of being lied to once again. Maybe love and forgiveness are two separate things – but without one, can you really find your way back to the other?