All My Children: Kendall's Hart To Heart

You’ve been served

Thursday, August 31, 2006

I served Zach divorce papers today. Wow. That was tough. Really tough. I still love him. I just can’t trust him completely – and that’s huge. I didn’t totally mean it – serving him, showing up with my lawyer was mostly to prove a point, continue this stupid game – but my worst fears are hitting me like tidal waves every few minutes. When I sit and think about all of this – my head hurts, and my heart aches – because the only thing that’s beginning to make sense is that Zach did bury Greg. And his answer: “just trust me on this, Kendall” -- admitting he did have that stupid recording – I can’t do this anymore. I think it’s all crashing down on me… and my marriage is going to wash away…

Say what?

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Zach… did it? No. That’s crazy. He told me he didn’t bury Greg. That’s what he said. That’s why we’re all pretending, putting on this messed up “fake alibi” show – so that he can stay out of prison. Because he’s innocent!!!! My world is spinning off its axis and I don’t know how to stop it – or even slow it down for a second or two so we can all catch our breaths. This can’t be happening again. So Ryan found that disk in our closet. So what? Oh, God – our home - where Spike sleeps… Where there’s so much love – how could Zach hide this recording filled with such filth, and hate and evil. I don’t get it. I just don’t understand. How did the disk get there? Did someone plant it there? Is someone setting Zach up? Tad says he saw Zach, now this… Zach wouldn’t lie to me again. He couldn’t. Please…. No.

Someone please give me a clue

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

I wish I could have more than a moment here and a look there with my husband. But Ryan’s right – we have to play this more carefully, to keep us all safe. We can’t risk being caught in each other’s arms – we can’t be seen loving each other – because then he’ll be gone and I’ll never get those moments again. But what’s with Tad? I have to figure out a way to shut him the hell up.

Zach said he’s making all of this up – but why? Tad may not be with Dixie anymore – but would he really want to put her away in prison for life? Maybe? I guess if the love of my life hurt me the way she’s hurt him I could see myself turning on them – I have done that before. But his rage towards Dixie affects my family, too. Is Tad really that selfish? Maybe if he knew that Zach and Dixie weren’t really sleeping with each other, maybe then he would let all of this hate go? But Ryan doesn’t think that’s a good idea. What am I missing here?

Just another day at the office

Monday, August 28, 2006

Like mother, like son, like sister – wow – Josh is definitely a Kane. He’s emotionally blackmailing me into playing nice with Babe. If I didn’t want to hurl so much at the thought of doing it – I’d be so proud of him. We’re more alike than he realizes. I’ll never like Babe and I made that crystal clear – but I guess I will try to tolerate her for Josh’s sake. Why he thinks Babe is his only road to humanity – given how inhuman I truly believe she is – I have no idea. But we all make mistakes. Bad judgment calls. I should know.

Josh stood up for me though-- when Zach flew in here claiming Tad saw him and Dixie bury Madden. Ever since that witch came back to town she has tainted everything she’s come in contact with. Now Tad’s gone crazy. These lies are getting so hard to keep track of, to maintain – I just need some time with Zach – some time to see the truth in his eyes.

Good Parenting

Friday, August 25, 2006

I had another frightening mommy attack again. But hey – last night was the first time Spike slept through the night. No 2am bottle, no 6am crying – and it totally freaked me out! I swore something bad happened - if Ryan wasn’t there to calm me down, I would have called in the whole pediatrics staff to check in on my Spike. What do I know? I’m new at this. Being a mom is scary – everything is this exciting adventure that’s terrifying at every twist and turn. They don’t tell you in those mommy handbooks “On this day, your baby will do this.” So how exactly do you know for sure if what’s going down is supposed to? I guess it’s just a feeling, a twinge, or it’s having someone next to you talk you down. Does it ever get easier? Does it ever become second nature? But, no matter how many heart-stopping moments I may have – I can’t even picture my life without Spike in it. I know it was only a few months ago that I was carefree Kendall Hart – but now… Spike is everything – he comes first – always.

I will confess: I feel like all of my mommy hysteria and Zach drama is dragging Ryan down – stopping him from having it all – whatever that means. I know he’s the one who offered to help me in any way possible – and doesn’t necessarily mind this whole pretending to be with me thing, but given how he feels, I don’t want to be this big obstacle in the way of him finding some real happiness. But as long as he has Spike – and gets to be the coolest daddy in the world, he’s A-OK with our arrangement. That’s what he says. And knowing how much this kid means to me – I can believe him.

What’s old appears new

Thursday, August 24, 2006

I can’t just sit around and wait for this to all blow over. I have to do something! Speed up the process somehow. There’s that motel manager guy who will testify he saw Dixie and Zach in some seedy joint – all night – that night. But I had to contribute something – give the undercover outside my home a good show – or at least what he thought was one. So I asked myself: What would I do if I were cheated on? Hmmm. In the past I would definitely lash out in some hurtful way – so I asked Ryan to come to bed with me. Okay. We didn’t do anything rated R – but that’s not how it seemed from the outside. If Derek needs to believe Zach and I aren’t together, then I’ll make him think Ryan and I are – together. Makes sense to me. Adds a little credibility to this whole damn sham. Don’t ya think? Hey, if you can’t count on your friends to pretend to be your lovers, who can you count on? God, my life is so messed up sometimes.

Someone to lean on

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

So the de-stressing mission I had hasn’t worked yet. I’m still bored. Lonely. Exhausted, but can’t sleep. Tried watching a movie, some reality TV, reading a magazine, web surfing – nada. My mind’s still working OT. Then Simone came over! Friendship and cake. But…Derek had to stop by and ruin a good thing by reminding me my life sucks right now. Except for Spike. That kid is amazing – and getting so big so fast--- Anyway, it’s like every time I try to look at the bright side, forget the downside – let loose – life slams me down again. I know I’ve said that before, but I just wish I had someone to talk to who makes me not freak out, helps me breathe and understands how tough this all is – and it can’t be my husband because I’m supposed to hate the “cheating sleaze.” Times like these I miss Greenlee – having that best friend… but then there’s always Ryan. He understands…

Time for a much needed break

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

You know what I realized today: It’s summer. Okay – I knew it all along, but it occurred to me – the summer has almost completely passed me by. It has been nonstop – new mother, new ventures at Fusion, possibly having my husband go to prison for murder – I need a vacation. Probably won’t get one. Last one I had was at some creepy pregnancy paradise. So everyone out there: where’s your favorite place to go relax, favorite thing to do to unwind – what can I do to de-stress besides buy more shoes, eat more chocolate and call my sister in the middle of the night-- again?

Taking charge

Monday, August 21, 2006

I had to see for myself what the hell is going on. Sue me. Those looks, touches, warm tender moments made me want to hurl all over the security monitor – and compelled me to set a few things straight for Ms. Cooney – I hold the key to her freedom. She may want my husband, go goo-goo over gaga every time he walks into a room, or have her heart skip a beat each time he pretends to want her for the sake of their alibi – but in the end – it’s me he has and me he wants. This charade needs to end a-sap – I’ll do my part as long as I need to – but if that tramp thinks she can use a con to steal my husband away from me – I will dangle her freedom in front of her just to keep her in check. I’m his wife. And I’m in charge – not her. I’m sick of stolen kisses, private whispers – I want Zach all to myself and away from that doe-eyed ditz.

People change

Friday, August 18, 2006

Just when you think you know somebody… they change. I have to admit, when Jonathan explained how he is back to “full capacity” I panicked a little. I had these quick images of bombs, caves, guns – terror. But when he talked about his love for Lily-- and how that made him want to be a better person – a different person – someone who fit most with who she is – I realized – he’s not the same Jonathan who scared the bejesus out of me. He’s a man in love, who’s heartbroken. I knew he wasn’t someone to be scared of when I saw part of myself in his eyes – because although he doesn’t know it – I am pretending to be someone I’m not for the sake of my marriage-- the jilted wife. I just hope I have better results than Jonathan and Lily.

And just when I reached that moment of inner strength, confidence in what I’m doing for Zach, for us– Erica waltzed in and dropped a bombshell on me. I know it’s not like she’s trying to hurt me – she has no idea this is all supposed to be a plan – but the fear of it actually coming true cut me to the core. She walked in on Zach and Dixie in bed – and if so, I will walk all over the both of them.

Every good plan needs a support system

Thursday, August 17, 2006

So I know a lot of you out there hate when I talk about Ryan. I assure you I haven’t forgotten who he was or how he hurt me. I hurt him plenty, too. We’re different people now, we’re parents – or maybe part of us is finally who we always were and lost sight of – I don’t know. But I do need to talk about how amazing he truly is. I know we’ve had our ups and downs (and everything in between) but I am so glad he is in on this whole ménage a masquerade with Zach and Dixie. I should have known I could never fool him – he knows my heart, and most of my tricks. Ryan has been so wonderful, with Spike, with me, and now all of this. I know how he feels about me and he’s clear on how I feel about him – so that’s why I don’t want him to put his heart out on the line – again – and have it stomped on by pretending to be with me. I asked to make sure he’d keep his heart safe; he answered a resounding yes. And truthfully (selfishly) I could really use the support – someone to keep me going, keep me on track – some encouragement. Ryan’s great at that. So he and I went down to ConFusion, arm in arm, looking like the perfect couple. We had our party outfits and pretend faces on. Walking in, being stared at – that was a cakewalk – seeing Zach, trashing him in front of everyone, seeing Ryan punch him, knowing he was watching Ryan and I kiss – I wanted to run into his arms and scream at the whole damn world how much I love him. I hate what this is doing to us. It’s like we’re ripping ourselves apart but not. I love him. He loves me. And yet we have to project so much hate and venom out there so we can be together in the end. I hate acting…

Who loves a charade?

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

There are few things in life I know for sure. The art of a cosmo, the way a Jimmy Choo feels against my recently pedicured foot, the way Spike smells, and how to make a scene. I may have failed patience as a virtue – but I passed nuclear tantrum with flying colors. I had the locks changed, my nanny shaking in her boots, half of Zach’s wardrobe shredded and some bric-a-brac hurled across my living room – and that’s just in an hour. The neighbors probably think I’m psycho and are calling their realtors as we speak.

I’m not going to lie – I needed the emotional outlet. I don’t like seeing my very real husband whom I love kissing a skank who has the hots for him – so I get my aggression out any way I can. I know I’m making this all sound like some fun, exciting, cathartic game – but I have to look at it that way. If I really sit down and think about what this plan could cost me if it doesn’t work – or if it works all too well – I don’t know what I’ll do – it’ll be more than throwing a vase and cutting up a suit, that’s for sure. Stealing kisses behind closed doors and drawn blinds is not my idea of romance. Sure, I’ll take any of Zach I can get – but after everything he and I have been through, I hate that I can’t show how proud I am to be with him. Why don’t I get to be the woman in love with my husband publicly, but Dixie can… how did I sign on for that?

Ready. Set. Action!

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Okay. I know Zach and I discussed putting this whole fake love affair alibi plan into action if necessary. And I guess I knew it would come to that – eventually – but I didn’t need it thrown in my face – on live TV!!! I was so shocked, my world just crushed in on me – hit me like the ton of bricks JR knocked me out with. I know this is all acting for the sake of Zach’s freedom – but it sure as hell didn’t look that way. Didn’t feel like a ruse when my heart stopped cold. That kiss… I’m sure that hussy played her part for all it’s worth. Dixie must be loving her role as leading actress in a mistress role. It better damn well be just that. But why didn’t Zach warn me he was going ahead with the plan? What’s up with that? He kissed her in front of David? Well, if Dixie wants to play “hit ‘em below the belt” with her kisses and “poor me” eyes, I’ll return the favor. One good expose deserves another. At least in my book. The look on her face when I walked into the hotel room – camera ready and already rolling-- I got to let loose on her, say all the mean, nasty, truthful things about Dixie I wish I’d said a few days ago. Method acting, anyone?? I loved when I told her she should have stayed dead.  Some of this isn’t actual acting for me – so I’m beginning to wonder - what if it’s not completely thespian for Zach, too?

Take it from me...

Monday, August 14, 2006

Well, Mother certainly saw red when we walked into Fusion. So did I. The last thing we would ever want for Josh is that pariah Babe. As a lover, a friend, even a pet - that girl is useless. Why is Josh clinging to her so much? Can’t he see her for the baby-stealing, lying tramp she really is? Whatever. The best thing is – we were able to see Josh at all! He’s alive!! And that’s something to be ecstatic about. But – if I am going to have any relationship with my brother I have to be honest with him. So I told him the truth-- I warned Erica off revealing she’s his mother. Boy, he wasn’t happy – claiming I’m not on his side, blah blah. What he needs to finally realize is – I am his side. I’ve lived this sort of all-consuming hate toward our mother. Feeling tossed away, like garbage – that’s ancient history for me. Took me a damn long time to get past it – but I did – and Josh needs to know there is a light at the end of all this. Because Erica truly loves him. When she went to that clinic or when she gave me up for adoption – that was a different time, different place, whole slew of understandable circumstances – a different Erica! It wasn’t about us – really. But now… Josh and I are here and Erica’s love for us is real. It’s pure. Primal. I saw the fear, panic, heartache in her eyes when she came by to talk about Josh missing… I know if anything happened to Spike, I would feel exactly the same. Josh doesn’t understand, doesn’t want to really listen to me. Deep down – it registers, but the pain and anger is so fresh, he won’t let Erica’s love or my advice in – to take full effect. God, I hope if he just holds onto one thing from our conversation it’s that as a family we will keep trying to get to know him – continue to love him and include him. He’s not an outsider to us – yeah, we all need to get to know him and that’s a process – a new ballgame for all of us. Not just Josh. But as a family we will do it. Happily. I’m not envious of his position – I’m thrilled I’m past all of that rage – but, man, do I wish when I was going through it I had someone like me saying “I know what you’re feeling and here’s how you will feel better.” I can hear all your fingers typing comments now. You’re right; I probably wouldn’t have listened either. Us Kanes – stubborn and independent. More alike than not -- I just hope Josh and Erica can find their way to each other without ripping themselves apart.

Kendall to the set

Friday, August 11, 2006

I probably shouldn’t even talk about this. But I trust all of you to keep a huge secret. I’ve come to depend on your candor, your insights – your friendship. So here goes: Zach has concocted a plan – it’s not without its faults – but certainly has its merits. The cops think Zach and Dixie were involved in killing Greg – we all know that. Tad’s already told Derek he thinks Zach and Dixie are involved in way more than just murder one. So the next best thing to an airtight alibi is an alibi that everyone would believe anyway, I guess. Basically, once Zach lets the cat out of the bag – that he was with Dixie in the biblical sense the night of the murder – well, hell hath no fury like Kendall Hart scorned. I will have to “hate” my husband for “cheating” on me with that man-eating slut. God, this is going to be so hard. Not the hating Dixie part. That’ll hardly be acting at all. But I’ll have to publicly spit on Zach, then come home and cry my eyes out because I made the world see a side of Zach that isn’t true. Everyone will think he didn’t truly love me, I was wrong about him and they were all right, and that I had yet another royally messed up relationship – but, if in the end, Zach will be free and I’ll have my family in one piece – I will do it. I have to. It won’t be easy, but it’s necessary. So we agreed on it, consummated our plan, actually. Having him in my arms, so close, so near – it’s going to eat away at me, having to pretend he’s in someone else’s.

Bring it

Thursday, August 10, 2006

I love a good fight. I really do. Especially when I know I can take the b*% out. That slut ADMITTED to me she is after Zach! Okay. So I knew she wanted him (she sucked face with him, for God’s sake), knew Dixie isn’t the naïve, fragile, pure bumpkin of yesteryear like everyone likes to believe – but to hear her actually admit she’d go after my husband! That makes it a whole new ballgame. She has no shame, no respect… Oh, sure. She praised Zach’s loyalty to me, his undying love for me, yada yada - and that she “knows” she has no shot in hell. But the kicker – she has no chance… unless I do something to screw it all up. If I don’t want him, she’ll be more than happy to scoop him up. Like she’s completely innocent. The nerve – to put her inappropriate mental love affair on my shoulders. He’s MY husband. She has 0 right to him. Well, one thing Dixie did – reinforced that I will fight for Zach guns blazing. I will not let Dixie Cooney steal my man – nor will I let the PVPD take him away from me. It’s time to get my hands dirty – to keep my family clean.

A for effort

Wednesday, August 9, 2006

The gloves are off! The fur will fly – I don’t care what cliché you prefer – that two-timing slut kissed my husband!! It’s bad enough because of her Zach may lose his life to an 8X10 cell – but she had to paw at him, too. I knew just-a-friend-Dixie was nothing more than some Pine Valley folklore. That woman is just as underhanded as David Hayward – no wonder they hit it off so famously back in the day. And Zach! Okay. So HE didn’t kiss HER. I believe him. I know he’s loyal – that’s something I do not doubt. But the whole “it was a dumb kiss, Kendall” spiel is insulting. Whether he initiated it or ended it – I don’t care – I don’t want that woman worming her way into my marriage any more than she already has. And he’s choosing her. I know that in his mind it’s not like that – but I’m not programmed to accept his version of happy medium. I’m trying -- hard -- to rationalize this to death – but at the end of the day, I don’t care if Dixie and Dallas are roomies in the state pen – my loyalty is with my husband. Only. I don’t know how to handle this. It’s too hard and complicated and – if I signed up for Trust and Marriage 101 – who in heaven decided to enroll me in AP Blind faith and forgiveness? Because that’s a course I don’t know if we can pass.

Repeat after me…

Tuesday, August 8, 2006

I was so nervous today. I’m talking out of my head cuckoo for coconuts frantically anxious. On pins and needles as they say. But seriously… How many times has my life been on the line in a frickin’ courtroom. Bad memories. Too many to count. Ryan said things would work out as long as there were “no surprises.” HA! There’s always something that ends up going south in my life. My stomach was twisting into an even tighter pretzel every time the D.A. spoke or the judge would rule in his favor. I just kept repeating in my head “not guilty, not guilty – Ryan said to trust Zach… not guilty” like some mantra – half to put the vibe out there and half to convince myself. “Not guilty, not guilty…”  I guess it partially worked because the judge allowed bail – and my conscience eased up a bit after the gavel landed. Thank God Zach is free to come home to me. That’s one major battle we won. Right? But what the hell’s floating around Tad’s head – all those hateful comments earlier… NO. I won’t go there again. “Not guilty… not guilty…”

Mind over Madden

Monday, August 7, 2006

My mind is playing some freaky deaky tricks on me and I really don’t know how to make my subconscious stop. I need help. Maybe if I get this off my chest again it won’t plague my dreams, my every thought. Okay. So you all know I’ve been having doubts about whether Zach had anything to do with deep-sixing Greg in the park. I try so hard to not, to have complete faith, to trust in my husband – because I love what we have going, what our family represents – I love him. But every time I try and take that leap and just “trust” – something pops up. A question I just can’t ignore, forensic proof, a nightmare I can’t control – or Tad – acting weirder than a circus clown.  I guess he doesn’t feel he owes me an explanation – it’s not like we’re close, but my husband and his love of a lifetime are being charged with murder. Some disclosure would be considered polite in this situation. What does he actually know that he keeps tip-toeing around? Why does he believe Zach and Dixie did it? He said if I keep digging I won’t like what I uncover. God, I hate feeling haunted. It’s so eerie. And Tad’s acting so creepy. I hate having these doubts. Zach said he didn’t do it – did NOT do it. So why can’t I use that to outrun this anxiety catching in my throat all the time? But I can’t… I can’t seem to escape the fear my life with Zach has an expiration date – Dixie.

The blind leading the blind

Friday, August 4, 2006

I couldn’t just sit around the condo and pace and wait and go crazy, I had to go down to the police station. Get some answers. Free my husband. But Derek has all this proof – fibers, a fingerprint inside the coffin– how can that be? How is it even possible if Zach and Dixie didn’t… but maybe… These doubts are coming fast and furious. I’m trying so hard to squish them, but trust so does not come easy for me– never has. And blind trust – in the face of what seems like irrefutable scientific fact. I needed answers – and what did I walk into and see? An uber close moment between the two co-conspirators. My husband is way too chummy with Miss Pigeon Hollow Princess to not get me thinking, get me doubting their innocence. So I needed that reassurance from Zach – “tell me you didn’t throw us away for her.” And eventually he said he didn’t. He said he had nothing to do with Greg going bye bye. So that’s what I go on, right? That’s what I take with me and believe – because I need my husband back home, with me, in MY arms – in MY future. So I will get him out of this – get him some answers that connect these forensic dots to someone else. But why is Tad being so weird? What does he know that the rest of us don’t? What does he see?

Karma Kitty

Thursday, August 3, 2006

I’m completely shaken up right now. I feel caged, frantic, stuck. Derek said the police have some sort of “forensic proof” Zach had something to do with Greg becoming worm food. What could they have? My husband is down at the station right now and my brother may be dead. I know – even when I type “my brother” it seems weird. But please, God, let me at least have the chance to really get to know him. I was strong for Erica. And I need to believe everything I said to her. Josh didn’t happen upon us in this lifetime just to vanish what feels like a moment later. That would be too cruel, right? Karma’s going to win out. It has to. Just like I told Erica. This is karma’s way of acting out – but in the end it will correct itself. Josh will still be alive, he’ll stick around PV, eventually get past these humongous issues he has ahead of him and will aggravate and disobey our mother just like the rest of us. God, I have to believe that. I have to cling to the notion that people are put in our lives for a reason, and won’t be ripped away from us just like that. Like Ethan. Not again. Josh needs to come back to us – and Zach needs to come home.

How far is too far?

Wednesday, August 2, 2006

In case you haven’t noticed – although I know you all have – I have been avoiding really talking about my husband. Because, simply, I’m mad at Zach. With good reason – he ran off into the night to help damsel Dixie once again. And -- again -- it happened to be at a time when I really needed him around. But it’s so freaking hard to stay angry with that man. He makes me laugh even when I want to cry or scream. And part of what I love about him is that he is someone you can rely on, who will fix a situation – but that’s the same part of him that is making me bonkers about his involvement with Dixie. I know. Hypocritical. Catch 22. And all that.  I love him. I guess that’s what makes me so crazy about this whole “gotta help Dixie” spiel. I’m selfish. I know that. I don’t want to share Zach with anyone else. I admit it. And he’s well aware of it, too. So I’ll have to get past this aggravation, this jealousy, whatever it is… and I will. Helping Dixie for a noble cause is one thing. That I can handle, reason, deal with… it’s who he is. Fine. But if he’s sacrificing us (or already has), our home, family, our future, to do it... all for some heroic effort, then how do we recover from that? How do I keep trusting him if he conspired with Dixie and in the process tossed our life together away?

Check these out!!!

Tuesday, August 1, 2006

Hey, my fellow blog lovers – I finally got the pics from the ConFusion opening back (thank you Jeff and Heidi for taking them in the first place), so I figured I’d share them in the blogosphere. I know, I know. Most of you were there, saw the whole shebang, but for those of you who couldn’t attend, here’s some of the excitement you missed out on. And yes, these pictures are only of the fun, fabulous stuff – before that twisted freak JR decided to play DJ. So… here’s a pic of what the club looks like before it’s filled to capacity with sexy singles and cute couples:

Swanky, right? And I love the bamboo Asian “Fusion” thing we’ve got going on. Here’s one of Dani – hopefully trying to keep Nurse Hoolia out of the club, but hey – sometimes you’ve gotta pick and choose your battles. Love that dress Dani wore! (Julia, not so much)

Dani was amazing fielding all those reporters, photographers, the not so chic underage teens trying to slip in... That girl is worth her weight in couture – as you can see!

Here’s some hot shots of Rihanna totally working her magic.

 

For those of you who didn’t catch her performance – it was incredible – and her dancers were spectacular.

I still have those songs stuck in my head… “SOS…”

And here’s a cute pic of Zach and me.

I love it because I am paying absolutely no attention to him (I’m watching Rihanna!!!) and his eyes are totally focused on me. How it should be…