All My Children: Kendall's Hart To Heart

Home was where the Harts were

Monday, July 31, 2006

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my childhood. I guess it’s this whole “new Mom” thing, makes you pretty reflective. I remember Florida, the heat, the sunshine – the old house I grew up in... Alice and Bill were such loving parents. The fact they wanted me, loved me – that was never a debate. My sense of belonging – that’s a different story – one you all know about already. But these past few weeks – wondering if Spike was Ryan’s biological son or not – made me think of what really makes a group of people a family. A house a home. What those words and their connotations actually mean. I’d love to hear what some of you out there think – because I don’t pretend to know all the answers – or even half of them.

To me – what I identify most about “home” was our dog. I know it might sound crazy but… our dog was a huge part of the family. He obviously was not a biological member, but in some ways he held us together, bonded us. We all loved him. I would play the same games with him for hours, and he would never get bored. Always looked out for me. Pretty rare to find that laying around your living room floor. But shouldn’t everyone start life out with like that? Someone to trust, associate with, love? So what if it was a canine. And who knows why the heck he depended on me so much? I’d yell at him every time he ate one of my dolls. I wasn’t the easiest to get along with, the easiest to love. I’m still not. But maybe he knew I was just like him – adopted, loved – family. Maybe he didn’t. I’ll never know. Alice and Bill adopted me when they adopted him – and when I learned that, I figured out I wasn’t “really” theirs. But, I was. Just like our dog was. I know that now. And that generous, beautiful love the Harts had is what made us a family. That’s the same love that makes Zach, Ryan, Spike – all of us a family. Spike is so lucky to have so much love, so many people to call “family” – maybe we should get a dog, too. Give Spike an even better extra special home.

Travels fast

Friday, July 28, 2006

What’s faster than a speeding bullet, more power than a locomotive, and able to leap continents in a single bound?  Nope. Not Superman. BAD NEWS. Bianca just called me. She heard about Josh and couldn’t reach our mother. I hope Erica is okay. And Josh… I explained everything – how Bianca was right about Greg and Erica having some major secret when she spotted them a few months ago, how Josh is our brother and needs some major help, how he’s with Babe or was with Babe – the whole nine. She’s stunned. She’s met Josh like three times and he’s her older brother. She wanted to get on the Cambias jet ASAP and try to fix things – not sure how – but try anyway. I know Bianca always makes things easier somehow – but in this case I think I have a better handle on how to deal with our brother. The last thing Josh needs is a big ole family reunion. So I told her to cool her jets (literally) – come home when the time is right. Be there for Mom – and give Josh some space. Like the Atlantic. He’s spinning, and the absolute worst thing any one of us can do is push to be close to him – he won’t trust it, he won’t want it, and worse – he’ll always resent us for it. So for now – Bianca stays put.

She asked about Spike and Ryan and me and Zach of course – and I cliff’s noted all the highlights – but I failed to mention how much I really need Zach right now and how he’s nowhere in sight. She sensed something was up – but I dodged, said it was the whole JR/Josh thing that has me fuming. She let it go – but when Zach gets home – I sure as hell won’t…

Emotional whack-a-mole

Thursday, July 27, 2006

I’m fed up, strung out and furious as all hell. Bad combo. Luckily, I have just the target – JR. That bastard just bulldozed my family with a bombshell. I swear when I hurled myself at him, pinned him down – I think I could have killed him. I had so much rage in that one moment… I wanted him to feel the weight crushing down on him – helpless, incapacitated like I was in my coma, or on the floor under a pile of junk. Those seconds should’ve lasted hours, days – so he could know how much anguish he caused me and mine. How much he keeps causing. I’m so sick of life crashing down on me like those damn bricks. Isn’t being piledrived once in a lifetime enough? It’s like I’m in one of those games – whack-a-mole or something. You beat me over the head and I get back up to just get beaten down again. It sucks. Same goes for my mother. Now Erica is suspect numero uno for killing Greg when that jackass JR probably did the deed. I’m so freaking done with secrets. Then I spot Ryan with a very female, very pretty secret – and JR accused Zach of having some major skeletons in our closet. I don’t want to take JR’s word for spit – but where is Zach when I need him? Is he where he was when I needed him last time – when I woke up from my coma…?

Life’s soundtrack

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Next time I write something wonderfully optimistic – someone out there in cyberspace remind me how bad an idea that is. Things were going great – as you know: ConFusion’s the new “it” place with “q” quotient, Spike is Spike, my marriage is fabulous, we all have our health, happiness, blah, blah bliss – but of course that soulless jerk JR had to screw it up. He played demented DJ with some freaky disc of Greg from when he was tortured,  and detonated an emotional bomb. My family’s world imploded right then and there in the middle of my club and I don’t know how to patch any of the damage up. My mother’s secret about Josh was exposed in front of half of Pine Valley, and the other half will watch it on the morning news.

I know how Josh feels – lost, confused, identity-less, angry as hell – but he needs to ask every single one of his questions. I know. The “why did my mother get rid of me?” question is like a shackle around your neck. You wear it wherever you go and it chokes the life outta you. Doesn’t match a damn thing in your wardrobe either. The guesswork and assumptions you make up keep you awake all night long and rot you from the insides out. Josh needs to know the whole truth – because that’s what’ll help now. Gruesome secrets, hypotheticals, they fester, but the truth can unlock all that pain and (eventually) make you realize you CAN let it go. I know it. I learned it. I lived it. That’s why I pleaded with him on the roof to hear Erica out, to find out the tell-all tale – because it will help him understand. But he ran off – with Babe of all people – and now my mother is being detained by Derek because she looks guiltier than sin. How can things go from so right to so wrong with a push of the play button?

Let's Party!!

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Okay. So life’s never a cakewalk like I said in my last post. There’s always some little  something or other that goes wrong. Life and its curveballs, you know? Simone and one of the bartenders is sick. Willow turned out to be a royal witch and the caterers were a no show. Biggest surprise – Amanda Dillon. That girl may not be the brightest bulb – but she pulled off a major coup. Maybe I was wrong about her? She handled things like a pro and for that – she’s okay in my book. But…the club is smoking. Rihanna was sizzling. ConFusion’s hot, a huge hit – I am on such a high –  not even JR and Babe sharing spring rolls and dumplings in the same room as me can bring me down. Zach was there – but this sorta thing is so not his style so he left - probably home now with Ryan having a boys’ night in with Spikeman or Spikester – whatever nickname they rattle off tonight. Can life get any better? My luck’s changed for the very best – I just know it.

Baby Daddy

Monday, July 24, 2006

Ryan’s the father!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you! I am so relieved, thrilled, I could do cartwheels. Handstands even. Okay – maybe just jump up and down a little. I know I said I “knew” he was the father all along to Zach and Ryan – they didn’t believe me either. Ha! You guys know I’ve been freaking out for days!! This is it. We’re done with Greg and all things bad. Everything will be a cakewalk – or should be – from here on out. Spike has the perfect daddies – and I have this beautiful life. With Zach. He’s my rock, my armor, my everything. The best. Nothing’s gonna stop us now – remember that cheesy 80’s song. I am so ready to party – and that’s exactly what I’m going to do, because later – ConFusion is opening, complete with red carpet, press and a velvet rope. So don’t forget to join me and the rest of the glitterati to watch a very special surprise.

Okay, okay, I’ll tell you – Rihanna is going to sing. So you all better tune in and check it out.

Sitting vigil

Friday, July 21, 2006

I want Spike to be Ryan’s son in every way, not just emotionally, but technically, too. But seeing Ryan with that other woman… made me realize again-- maybe it is best if he’s not chained to a life with me and a child. Maybe he should just walk away – no strings and all that. Truth is: I don’t really know what’s best anymore. But I do know I don’t really want to lose Ryan. I’m getting so attached to the fact I have someone else to count on for Spike’s needs. But is that fair? I mean, Zach is absolutely amazing and can handle all our needs. And Ryan is no substitute for that. But Spike is so connected to his daddy already. They have this special bond… and so do Ryan and I as parents. God, please let Ryan be his father. But… maybe Spike and I should let Ryan go now before he signs on for a lifelong commitment. That’s so me, isn’t it? Pre-emptive strike – wayyyyyy too early. The results aren’t even in yet and I’m predicting doomsday is here. Because maybe Spike is actually Ryan’s. Could be true. That’s what we’re all practically sitting vigil for. Some good news… please… some good news.

The daily grind

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Fine. I HAVE to work with Babe. I don’t like it, but I’m dealing with it. We’ve got major campaigns to launch for the fall, a fantastic, hot new bar opening next week that is going to rock, and on top of that, messy personal lives – to say the least. So I go to work, do my thing and hope to avoid Babe-y at all costs. But noooooo. She has to spout off every frickin’ time we’re in a room together. First, she goes on and on with her “casual” conversation that I want absolutely no part of. Then she compared her homicidal husband to Zach! And tells me that Ryan and Zach could have killed Greg and framed JR for it. The gall... not everything is about that vicious brat and her whacked out marriage. How she can sleep with a man who literally tried to kill her – and then perch herself on some bar stool pedestal is beyond me. She and JR are walking time bombs just scouting for more destruction. I just needed some fresh air. I’m way too anxious as it is about this other DNA test – but listening to that horror on heels is enough to send me packing heat myself.

Here’s the kicker

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Josh Madden is my brother! Holy--! It’s so out there I jumped to conspiracy theory before believing it. Greg was really some kind of evil. Now I don’t even know for sure if he violated me or not – but I will find out soon enough. My mother though... I wish I knew the right words to say – or that she clued me in earlier so I could have tried months ago. I just want to support her. Any way I can, however she wants. Because… and this is such a hard, intimate thing to discuss… I totally understand why she made that decision way back when. It was the right choice for her at that time – and knowing what she knows now about her past – we can all understand why she decided to terminate. But I don’t think Josh will be that sympathetic or understanding. Ever. If I believed there was a sliver of a chance, then, sure tell him. But I know what it’s like to feel unwanted. It stains you in a way. And to find out your mother went through with a procedure... No matter how genuine her reasons were, Josh will be crushed. Life as he knew it just capsized – I’m terrified information like this could tank him for good. That’s why this has to stay buried.

Screw you, Greg!

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Of course I know Ryan loves Spike to pieces. But finding out Spike’s not biologically his – feelings can change. Right? I thought there could be a chance he’d feel differently towards Spike. Or not. I have no idea. This whole situation is so unique. I guess that’s the right word. Who really knows? Every response I have is so unpredictable, how can I know what Ryan will feel for sure. It’s not like they teach you how to handle this curveball in parenting class or baby magazines. But I wanted Ryan to know I’d understand if he wanted to take a backseat to his “daddy” role. No hard feelings. I never want him to feel chained to a family out of some noble sense of obligation – especially because he’s in love with me. Ryan deserves to have his own perfect family, his own life – clinging to his feelings for me and attaching himself to Spike might hurt him. I don’t know. I’m trying to be reasonable (for once) in an absurd situation. But Ryan loves this little boy so much – he’s his dad in all the ways that matter. I believe that. And that’s how he feels, too. I’m relieved Ryan wants to stick around, help me teach Spike what we had to learn the hard way. We know from evil fathers how that affects you – but it doesn’t have to make you who you are. Spike will have us both to turn to – when he inevitably needs us to figure out all this “stuff”. With Ryan, Zach and me – this kid’s going to be aces. He has to be. I have to have faith in that.

Where do we go from here?

Monday, July 17, 2006

I thought I was prepared for the worst. I already half-convinced myself Spike would be Greg’s biological son. Jump to the worst possible and pray for the best, right? But hearing it out loud... I’m still hoping so hard it’s not true. But knowing for sure – my God I want to collapse I’m so devastated. But I can’t. I have a son to worry about. I don’t even know what to say. Or how to feel. Shock, dread, unconditional love for my son. All that and more. It’s just so – Greg did that to me. He invaded me in such an awful way – how do I move on from that. How do I move past it? My baby boy… how can I make this okay for him? It’s not what he deserves – he was meant to have Ryan for his father. Always Ryan. Sure, at first Ryan wasn’t going to be around because we thought he was dead – but I wanted Spike to have a piece of Ryan in him, with him – because that would be giving Spike something he could use. Something great. But Greg distorted that plan. We’re going to get through this. I love my baby so much. I look into his eyes and see some hope, tons of love, and so much beauty. I’ll figure out a way to make this right – make sure what Greg did doesn’t affect all that purity and innocence my baby has. But how? Oh. God. I have to tell Ryan. How can I break his heart this way – what do you say to someone who loses a child?

Time goes by so slowly

Friday, July 14, 2006

Why is it the universe tortures you? I’m about ready to go to Fusion and jump off the roof I’m so jittery. Total ball of nerves. Spike must think I’ve worn a hole in the living room floor by now. The pacing, anxious waiting. With every little thing that happens I fly off the handle. Like before, the phone rang-- some stupid telemarketer. I yelled at her. Poor girl probably quit right after I hung up. Before that, Ray, the mailman, came by to deliver a package – I snapped and almost bit his head off. I’ll never get mail again. Every shadow I see in the courtyard I think could be Josh stopping by to give me the DNA results. But nooooo. Instead – nothing. No sign of Josh. If I stare at the phone one more second – willing it to ring, I’ll go cross-eyed. I swear. My thoughts are so jumbled up, my heart is thumping so loud I feel like I’m at a club or on a rollercoaster, and my hands are shaking like a leaf. Waiting is killing me. Tick tock tick tock – every sound is louder than normal. Every minute is a lifetime. I’ve even imagined the lab report-- the kind of paper it’s on, the amount of pages before you get to the million dollar question – everything about it. But I can’t picture the writing, the words. Or I don’t want to. I can imagine the black ink but can’t make out the print – God, I’m so freaked out. So, universe – just when I’m ready to throw up or run screaming in frustration – you send Erica over?!?! To trash talk Zach?!?! Thanks for that one. I love my mother, but are you (the cosmos) trying to kill me? Or is it just a test- to see how long I can go before I actually have a nervous breakdown? I’m barely hanging on here. That’s it - I’m going.. Can’t wait – can’t hear any more sounds, anticipate another phone call – I just have to know already.

I’d like answers for an entree

Thursday, July 13, 2006

For the record – I’m not launching some hate-fest on Greg. The man is dead – I’m over it. But  I do need to know who Spike’s bio father really is. All that other stuff – Kate, the island, manipulating me to put my baby up for adoption – outta sight outta mind. Okaaaaay. Not completely true, he was a monster in a lab coat, but right now I’m focused on this one particular truth. All that other stuff- deal with it later. Making Josh see that took some effort, but he eventually came around. The guy doesn’t want to believe his dad could be so vicious. Who would? If Greg was, then Josh has hundreds of siblings floating around out there. Creeps me out, too. But Josh knows his father and Erica danced around some secret for months. What if it was about Spike’s paternity? Maybe. Makes sense – because if Erica knew Greg used me like that – she would protect me from it. I know my mother – I know how she operates. So I need a DNA test to be sure. No more doubts – this has to be done ASAP -- without Ryan knowing about it. I know I promised to drop it, but when has that ever stopped me. If Spike and Josh are a match though.... Please God, throw me a bone. No more surprises. Remember? Smooth sailing and all that- Don’t let Greg have abused me, too.

Time to pony up the truth

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

I could have choked the smug out of her. That trashy scheming witch. Babe does NOT call the shots. Okay, this one time I’ll let her get away with her “hire,” but her stock does not mean she actually has any business savvy. Hiring Amanda Dillon to stick it to the real Fusion gals just proves it. Whatever. Amanda works here at ConFusion now. Fine. But if Babe speaks to my son again I’ll toss her down the elevator shaft. Twice. Just to be damn sure. Okay. Now I’m done with my rant. I hate Babe – not going to change anytime soon and I have much bigger fish to fry. Here I am, trying soooo hard to avoid thinking about Greg and that “donor #1” rumor, but when I saw Amanda I couldn’t dial back from interrogating her. Greg was going to use her as his own personal baby-making machine. And she’s clueless. He said the father was “brilliant.” That evil SOB… That’s the last straw, I need to be sure of exactly what he did to me…

Coming clean feels so dirty

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

I couldn’t just squash down something this huge. What if Ryan isn’t Spike’s biological father? He needed to know there’s a chance. I had to tell him. I know. I can lie with the best of them. I’ve hidden the truth before. On many occasions. And for a lot less at stake. So why not now? Because my family could be a lie. I grew up around that. I grew up constantly feeling like something was weird – and I never want that for my son. So I told Ryan what may have happened. And he’s right. Ryan is Spike’s father no matter what DNA says. Logically, I know that’s true. I know there’s more to being a parent than genetic markers. I was ready to let Greenlee raise a child that biologically is mine. But… after that gift blew up in my face, how could I keep quiet -- again. But they knew. Zach and Ryan already knew Greg may have done this to us. Maybe they can just, poof, let it go. But it’s near impossible for me to do that. Maybe this was Greg’s way of being with my mother. It’s sick and it’s insane, but maybe that was his motive: obsession. And if it was, if he did this to me, to all of us – I’m petrified my son will know. He’ll look at me and know he was a product of something perverse. That’s what I saw when I used to look into Erica’s eyes: pain, anger, heartache. Abuse. Because if Greg did this to me that’s what it was – he abused my trust, my decency-- my body for his own agenda – for himself. I don’t want my little boy to ever see that in me. I always wanted this child to be conceived solely from good intentions and love. And he was! Zach and Ryan are right. I HAVE to see past the doubt and this possible truth – because the only acceptable explanation is Ryan is Spike’s father. We have a beautiful little family. I should let this one unanswered question go. But how?

Curiosity can kill a family

Monday, July 10, 2006

What the… this is ridiculous. Insane. What if it’s real? Oh, my God. I can’t even think past a few words before I get completely freaked out again. Nauseous. How do I make sense… how could someone do that to… Okay. I’m going to try to analyze this rationally, like Zach would. Like he.did. Josh mentioned this “theory” floating around that Greg decided to play baby daddy to like hundreds of kids. Plausible, given he had the opportunity and means, but possible?? Can someone do that and not get caught for so long? Can a man I used to trust so completely be that evil. Damn! Michael Cambias. JR. Greg, too? Yeah, this whole “donor #1” thing sounds crazy. I would have thrown the idea out my window and considered it slander to the nth degree from Greg’s “fan” club, but that freaky island exists. That one stupid fact stopped me from forgetting this absurd idea. Because I was there. I saw how Greg treated those women, like they were the most precious beings in the universe –moms in general are pretty amazing – but the way Greg handled them, his interest in me – oh, God, I’m going to be sick. No. NO! He did not invade me like that. It wouldn’t make sense really. Zach said if Greg was going to inseminate me with his… then he would never have rushed to do the procedure the night of the blackout. Right?!?! I mean – if he was going to be the donor then he had more time than just that one night. Unlike Ryan. There was no expiration date for Greg, only Ryan’s sample. But maybe that’s how he played it so I would never know? No!! Spike has Ryan’s chin, damnit! I know he does. I see it. I’ve felt it. But what if…

Putting out a fire and starting a new one

Friday, July 7, 2006

I HAD to ask. Okay. Did Zach kill Greg? I know – most people don’t have to ask the did-you-commit-murder question to anyone ever, but I did. My mind works at two speeds – overdrive and hyperspeed and I needed to know for sure Zach’s innocent before my mental gears went berserk. I mean the night Greg fell off the face of the earth was the night Zach was with Dixie - all night - while I was fighting my way back from that dumb coma. Greg’s death could explain why she was so erratic and upset when she came by earlier. But then I thought, maybe it’s more than just her hope for finding her daughter - gone? Maybe she and Zach are the REASON they have nowhere to go looking for Kate anymore. But Zach had nothing to do with Greg ending up fertilizer. That’s his story and he’s sticking to it. It’s not even really a story - it’s the truth.

So just when I start breathing again- Life's back on track, yada yada...Josh tells me Pine Valley's version of the tasmanian devil - JR - killed Greg. That creep needs to go down in flames before he takes an entire city out. And I'll be the one with the bucket of water refusing to help...

Hearing is believing

Thursday, July 6, 2006

So I’m not insane. Well, I can be a little off my rocker-- who isn’t? But this time – I knew I heard it right. Ryan definitely said he loves me while I was in my coma. He admitted it to me, completely sincere. That would explain a few things- like how he’s been so absolutely amazing and generous and kind and – well, that’s the Ryan I fell in love with way back when. A part of me will always love him, too – but that’s as far as it goes. For me. Just a part. Because I have Zach. And he has my whole heart. I hope Ryan gets another chance at that – someone he loves so totally, who loves him just the same. I know Ryan said he’s “fine” with this arrangement but I can’t help thinking: he’s going to get hurt. I don’t want that to happen, but how can I make sure of it? Or do I not have a say, and should just butt out, go about my business and just hope for the best? How do you love someone enough to help them let you go?

Homecoming!!

Wednesday, July 5, 2006

Spike’s home! And he has the best step-daddy in the freakin’ universe. I don’t know why I doubt Zach. And before you readers post and tell me I'm awful for having doubted him - I know I shouldn’t. But I had no clue where he ran off to last night – and of course my mind goes to 100 different bizarre places – but here I am – in the middle of my living room, where it looks like everything baby has just exploded. And I couldn’t be happier. Zach even bought matching sets for Ryan’s place so Spike has what he’s used to everywhere he goes. Makes feeling at home a cinch. But that’s what Zach does for me – and now my son – makes us feel at home even when we’re not.

I just wish my fantastic mood could help Josh. I feel for the guy. Greg may have been pretty out there, and crafty with how he could seamlessly manipulate your feelings into his agenda, but he’s the reason I have my son in the first place. Greg pushed the limits so I could help out a friend, and in the end (let’s skip all that middle garbage) I have the best gift anyone could have ever given me – and that’s, in part, thanks to Greg. And to die – like that – so tragically… No wonder Josh is spinning and talking crazy talk…

Independence Day

Tuesday, July 4, 2006

It’s late and I am so ridiculously jumpy. Excited. I just want Spike to be home already. I hate waiting. I failed patience on my SAT. That’s why I’m spending the night here at the hospital – it’s better than the alternative-- wait till morning. And before you think it, because I know how it sounds – I won’t be one of those crazy, overprotective mothers who hovers around my son 24/7. I told Ryan and I’ll tell you: I will NOT be that neurotic mom with the mama’s boy son – Spike’s going to know he’s got a fun, in control mom AND dad. Ryan doesn’t have sole rights as the “cool” parent. We’ll both have that cornered. It’s weird… I’ve come to rely on Ryan more than ever. For a while I didn’t even want him to be a part of Spike’s life. And now... I can’t imagine him not being right beside me. It’s how it should have been all along. And of course, I know, I have Zach. Who is amazing and perfect and more than the best – but Ryan’s been so gentle, warm, considerate—maybe what I think I heard is true? I know I was in a coma, but I swear I remember Ryan saying he loves me. Do you think? For real? Again?  Or is my mind just playing tricks on me?

I'm all shook up

Monday, July 3, 2006

Nothing makes you cannonball into mama bear mode quite like a natural disaster. Okay. So it was just a little tremor. But still. Spike’s my numero uno priority and, my God, how crazy that he’s already been through so much. But he looks great, better – his coloring, his eyes, his tiny strong grip – my boy’s such a fighter. And he looks just like me. I know – he’s just a baby – but Moms can tell. I never understood that when I would hear people say it. But now… I know it’s true. Mothers can see things no one else can. And he really is all me. Here – maybe you can see it too:

A litle grumpy just like him mom sometimes:

I wasn’t lying about how similar we are. And guess what. Spike’s coming home tomorrow. Finally!!! My baby boy. Home! But I am sooooo freaked out– I still haven’t gotten a quarter of the stuff he needs – he pretty much just has tons of stuffed animals and a couple of toys. What good is any of that? Well, I’ll figure all that out – not tonight though. Tonight is all about making sure Spike stays A-OK – so I’m sleeping here at the hospital until I can bring him home myself. Ryan’s gonna spend the night, too – a little family sleepover. Except – not our whole family. Where did Zach go…?