All My Children: Kendall's Hart To Heart

What’s right around the bend?

Friday, June 30, 2006

And part of being “normal” for any couple – is going on dates. Right? Come on all you homebodies. Give it a try. It’s Friday night! Zach and I are going to head on over to the casino, get dressed up, have some fun, maybe a few cocktails (it’s been so long), just chill out. You know – like regular married folk. I’m sure something bizarre will happen, some senile woman playing nickel slots with her gun-toting sister, a diva showgirl loses her wig onstage and throws an A-bomb sized tantrum and walks off– whatever. It is us – so nothing can be too “regular.” But as long as I have Zach by my side, we’ll get through it. No biggie. Life is never boring having him around. Not that my life’s EVER been dull. It’s just more fun to go through the wild craziness with him, because you never know who you’re gonna bump into, or what’s going to happen next.

Fresh start

Thursday, June 29, 2006

My husband did exactly what needed to be done. Fact. I’ll swear on sixteen Bibles, on the almighty cosmo, on my newborn if that’s what it takes. While I was incommunicado in a coma he fought for my baby and me so damn hard; and if any stupid judge, cop, DA, pizza delivery boy thinks it was illegal – well screw them. The man saved my baby. So what if he fired a gun – drastic times... and all that. He could have set off a grenade for all I care – Zach did the right thing – did what I would have wanted. And for that, he needs to be free, needs to be around for me and Spike. I couldn’t live with myself if he were locked up for protecting our family. And I made damn sure that at least this judge listened to what I had to say. My testimony is the only one that should really matter anyway – it was mine and my baby’s life involved – PVPD be damned.

But – in the end – and perhaps with a little palm greasing – the judge dismissed Zach’s case and now we CAN be together. No legalities or catastrophes hanging over our heads. We can be normal. HA. Okay, I know that’ll never happen for us. But at least we can just be. And nothing can ruin that for us anymore…

(Ahhhh)

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Happy hump day! I don’t have very much to say today – not the kiss and tell kind of woman. Okay. That’s not true at all. Soooo last night was beyond perfect. Again. Better than our first time on the yacht. Well, different better. I wasn’t pregnant– so it was really just us in the room. No doubts, no fears, no pesky thoughts about Dixie or Greg Madden’s manipulations swirling around - just Zach and me making crazy, intense love. (SIGH) I’m so lucky. I hope all of you out there in cyberspace can feel as in love as I do. And hopefully we all can figure out how to hold onto it. :-)

Always Only You

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

It’s like I’m hardwired to want Zach to choose - me or Dixie. It’s my gut impulse. I don’t know if it’s because I think I’ll win, or if I just need to be sure of it. Maybe I’m so screwed up I don’t really believe I will win at all? No. Hello... Ryan and Greenlee. NO! I don’t want that to happen to me again - and that’s why I didn’t issue some stupid ultimatum. No more tests. My marriage is the real deal and I want it to work! But why do I default to anti-trust and self-destruction? I know. I know. I’m not paying all you blog lovers for a couch session thaaaat long. Here’s the deal: Zach is this amazing, incredible man that I love beyond infinity. (I know, it’s cheesy) He has hundreds of great qualities. He’s even given me countless reasons to never doubt him or us – like before when he gave me that ring with that perfect inscription – my doubts just washed away. But WHY does he have to prove it to me? Why do I still need reasons to stay in check? I need to stop focusing on the petty stuff - like Dixie. I’m going to make their friendship not bother me. I don’t know how yet… Maybe I’ll just remind myself Zach married ME again – well sort of – right here at Fusion. I’m going to get this love/trust thing down if it’s the last thing I do. Just watch me.

Lend a helping hand, why don't ya?

Monday, June 26, 2006

Dixie sure has a lot of help these days. David’s apparently baiting her to go on wild goose chases just to get some down time. Tad is spending day and night searching for their daughter, running around town ragged. He’s probably already bargained his soul away hoping it’ll bring Kate home soon. Hell, he’s even partnered up with my oh, so heroic hubby in the name of Dixie. Hmmm – all men. No female compadre to help Dixie with her quest. Curious. And of course Zach is there to help out his good pal - knows exactly where she is at all times. Still enrages me more than brown shoes with a black dress. The way he swoops in to help her – I’m his wife. The woman he loves. The only woman he’s promised to love, honor and cherish till death do us part. So why do I still feel so sucky? I know he meant those words – still means them. I do, too. But why does this nagging feeling keep beating me up?

VIP passes for everyone

Friday, June 23, 2006

Okay. So I put some thought into how to bottle your baby and it’s very tricky. The chemists thought I was nuts. So that brainchild of mine is going to have to wait. In the meantime, how’s this for the sweet smell of success: Fusion’s going to open a chic nightclub. That’s right my glamorous friends – you are all invited to party with the hottest, trendiest, fantabulous of Pine Valley and all over. ConFusion is going to be the hot spot with “it” factor. Who cares if Babe thinks it’s a bad idea – she’s a brainless bimbo. To be fair (HA) she can be as opinionated as she wants – won’t make a dent of difference – I have the votes and brilliance on my side. Fusion will be an even bigger phenomenon than it already is. With or without her vote. So, all you glitterati out there – what do you like in a club? Or do you prefer a bar? Is it the décor on the walls or the eye candy in the room? The music or the martinis? The canoodling with the who’s who or the anonymity of being in a crowd? Tell me what keeps you coming back for more – because I want you to party with us.

Unplugged

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Jailbreak!!!! Spike’s out of the plastic box and off the tubes and monitors. And may I say- my boy is looking fine. Look for yourself – here’s a pic I snuck:

He’s gonna be a hottie --- if he makes it past his first year. I’m completely freaking out. All because of that damn class Ryan and I just took. My home is a virtual deathtrap for my baby. I have so much to baby proof, so many things to buy – bassinet, crib, bottles – and even after all the basics are covered, what if something happens?!? Can I baby proof myself? Because I should. What if I drop him – or burp him too hard? Or his head falls off – it’s so delicate. See, I’m a total head case. Okay. Breathe. Focus on all the positives. Like this picture: 

Holding my son for real. No glove-thingies. He was in my arms and he smelled so new, so sweet – can you smell innocent? Because he did. My new favorite scent – I want to wear it everywhere. Fusion! The proud mama fragrance – “wear your newborn everywhere you go” - would sell faster than any lotion, lipstick or eyeliner. Hmm, how can you bottle something so perfect??

How do you keep a good thing going?

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

I’m trying here, people. I, Kendall Hart Slater, am trying not to overreact. I asked Zach about his relationship with Dixie. And he answered. Honestly. In his Zach way. That says something important – not sure what, but I’ll let you know when I figure it out. I know he loves me, will fight for me, protect me, the whole nine - but at the same time, he’s been sharing part of his life with someone else, and he should see why that bothers me. And NOT do it. Okay. Dixie needs to find her kid. I totally understand. And Zach can fix almost any problem. I know that. He’s my hero… I know it sounds selfish, but I don’t want him to be someone else’s. I’m not saying he shouldn’t help people, but why is it always some damsel in distress? You know what I mean? And sure, his involvement with Dixie was in part to help me with Greg. And yeahhhhh, sure – Zach “man of his word” Slater promised Dixie he’d keep her secret – but he still should have confided in me. I’m his wife, the woman he loves. And in this case, telling me would have spared me a lot sooner. Secrets cost couples. I don’t want us to be just another casualty. But if we’re going to last, I require full disclosure. Only thing is, I’m beginning to wonder if anyone ever really gets that?

Just a friendly little chat

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

So I went to see Dixie. I had to. I know Ryan’s probably right -- “just ask Zach” -- but I needed to feel out Miss Cooney because I know women like her -- always need help, rescuing, always sending out some SOS. Well, I just wanted to make sure she understood in all caps -- Zach is MY husband. Maybe how I feel is immature, maybe not, but it’s how I’m wired. And for the record, after hearing Dixie’s side, I do empathize with her. If anyone can understand how persuasive Greg Madden can be, it’s definitely me. And as a new mom -- I know how frantic she must be to find her little girl. I would die for Spike -- I almost did -- and I would beg for help, lay my life on the line, come back from the great beyond, whatever it would take, if it meant my child could be found. But why does Zach have to be the one to help her? I know. Why not Zach? Just makes me crazy. And it gets on my nerves that it gets on my nerves.

You know what else ticks me off? Excuses. Everyone’s got a “good reason.” There’s Dixie making excuses for JR. So what he was teed off she stayed away from him for so long-- the boy was trying to commit murder. Whether Babe got hit with a brick or not, his intent to kill was there. Missing mama doesn’t fly as a valid excuse. And being friends with Dixie isn’t good enough reason for Zach to lay off JR – in my opinion. This whole setup bothers me and I’m starting to wonder…

I do want to shoot the messenger

Monday, June 19, 2006

I can’t stand that scheming, sarcastic, arrogant – arghhhhhh – JR!!! When I catch sight of him I go from 0 – rage in about .3 seconds. But having him tell me my husband has some secret life going on makes my stomach do somersaults. I trust Zach. I do. I love him. But secrets have destroyed a lot of wonderful, amazing things in my life before – whether I’m the one keeping the secret or someone else is. I couldn’t handle it if some another secret tanked one of the best things to ever happen to me. And to hear about it from JR. Of all people. Especially after Babe compared my husband to him! It was like this terrible twosome rubbing my worst fear in my face: That I can’t truly trust Zach. I mean I do. I have total faith in him. But what if something or someone compromises that?

You know the worst part? Zach IS helping Dixie. JR is telling the truth! (For once)  That’s why Zach is letting JR off so damn easy - he’s been conspiring with Dixie about God knows what – so he backs off of her son. Well I need answers fast - like yesterday!

Show no mercy

Friday, June 16, 2006

Heartless. Those doctors telling me I have to go home. I’m dreading leaving my little Spike. I need him to be down the hall from me. I know, I know. I need my strength so I can be the very best mom when Spike does come home. And then he’ll be right next to me. But I’m going to miss my late night visits with him – even if it is just for a few days. Maybe I’ll try to sneak in tonight. Bribe the nurse. After hours. I think Spike likes knowing he can hang with his mom wayyy past bed time. The other kids in the nursery can’t. Just one more thing that makes us cooler.

Well, I guess if I’m not hospitalized it’s back to Fusion for me. Simone and Dani stopped by yesterday and agreed to help me with a little project I like to call “annihilate the bleached blonde bitch.” Catchy, right? Babe’s days at Fusion are coming to an end. I can outvote, outfox, outthink – pretty much do everything better than her – and I will… until I NEVER have to see that lying trash ever again. But what’s with my husband – showing all shades of mercy, or apathy, I’m not sure which, toward JR. Well, while I mow down JR’s moronic wife – I need Zach to take JR down or out. Whatever. And it’s because I am focused on my family – completely – this is how I handle protecting them from danger. I will not have a would-be/almost murderer and the slut who let him skate free have some happy go-lucky life while my son and I had to fight for breath. They’re going to suffer, and I simply won’t have it any other way.

What’s great about the Kane women

Thursday, June 15, 2006

I miss my sister already - and she only left like an hour ago.  Mother’s trying so hard not to run to the airport and make Bianca stay. I can’t blame her; Bianca has a way of making everything just a little bit simpler, and a whole lot more loving when she’s around. I don’t know anyone else in my life who accomplishes that with such ease. Well, that’s not completely true. My baby and Zach have a way of spreading peace over my life. But Binks is my sister – so it’s different. Special. Not that it’s not amazingly special with Zach and Spike, but you get the picture. I know Bianca and I didn’t really grow up together – a few years, here and there – a lot of hair pulling. I was a total bitch. Oh, the mental image I just had was definitely a wrong turn down memory lane. Ha! But… now – I can’t imagine my life without her in it. Whether she’s across an ocean or across the street she has my back. Same with Mom. Erica may drive me to the nearest cosmo some days, but I love the woman. And I am scared for her – I’m so worried she’s bottling up some huge problem or secret or whatever, and it may compromise her recovery… or worse. I don’t know – my imagination can go to some really dark places. But my mother is one of the strongest people I know, she fights for her friends, her family, herself with the fiercest loyalty and never ending persistence – but this “thing” with Greg has a hold over her I can’t explain. Can’t reason. Whatever it is, I’m in her corner. Always.

Who’s driving this bus?

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

What is wrong with the world? Can this be for real? JR was “coerced” into believing he tried to kill me?? Come on! The judge, the press, the whole damn Chandler clan can pretend that happened. They can discount his confession to me, Ryan and Zach just a few days ago – but they WILL listen to what I know I heard. He confessed to me while I was in my coma and he was dead sober – he tried to kill his wife. “Babe was supposed to walk through that door. Not you.” I remember. Clear as a bell.

This is soooo not over. That moronic judge can bang his gavel, declare whatever he wants – JR will get his. He needs to pay, to feel trapped, helpless, useless – like I did while I was floating in and out of life. And after fighting my way back to my family, Zach, my son– a judge tells me what I know doesn’t count, doesn’t matter. I am not impaired – JR’s just that deranged.

She's at it again

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

That lying, stupid bitch. “He didn’t do it”?!?!?! YES JR did do it. And Babe freakin’ knows it. I wish JR had piledrived that skank smack into Fusion’s basement. He cannot get away with almost killing me and my son. He cannot just walk around, free as a bird, while my tiny, beautiful son is in some plastic box fighting to get stronger. And why does Bianca think Babe even has a good reason or that she’s somehow the innocent in this. Babe is always in it for one person – and that’s herself. Well, she may have something to say about whether her demented hubby should go to prison or not – but I’ll have the last word. I am the frickin’ victim in all this – and it should be up to me to nail JR into his own personal coffin.

What lies beneath?

Monday, June 12, 2006

Still wobbly on my feet.  Who knew being in a coma could be so exhausting? So much to catch up on – especially with Mother. Sure, Erica’s always got something going on in her hemisphere, but this time Bianca saw her and Greg in a big blowout and thinks she’s in some serious trouble. Bianca didn’t know about Greg’s role in our mother’s abortion all those years ago. I only told Bianca because I thought it would explain what she witnessed. She was floored – same here when I first found out – but she believes there’s more to their venom than what seems to be buried in the past. Something new, something big. For the sake of my family I hope not. We’ve been through enough grief for ten lifetimes. But… Mom and Greg have been dancing around something for months – and it’s time we all knew what. No more surprises… please.

The next generation

Friday, June 9, 2006

I could stare at Spike 24-7 and always be entertained. The way he scrunches his nose, tucks his thumb away in his hand. And he looks just like me. I know. I sound vain. But it’s true. Even Ryan agrees with me. “He’s all Hart.” :-) Sure, he’ll be stubborn – like Ryan. And funny, charming – like Ryan. Well, I guess he’d get those things from both of us. Ha!

Spike gained a few more ounces since Wednesday. I was right, he’s got a major appetite, and he has some serious star quality, too. All of the nurses, doctors (and of course me, Erica, Bianca, Ryan, Zach – all of PV, actually) are wrapped around his tiny fingers. And he’s loooooving the attention. That’s my boy. Famous even while asleep. Hmmmm. He better bust out of that incubator soon before he gets a complex.

Bianca stopped by with Miss M for a little visit. Miranda is so demure, so smart – and so excited to have a little cousin. She drew a picture of her and Spike playing in the park. Apparently, Bianca told her a story about how the four of us would take a little picnic one day soon and play games and eat cookies. Miranda loves cookies. She even drew some in the picture – with a small glass of milk to boot. I just keep thinking… The story sounds familiar – like I dreamt about it or something…

It’s a mad, mad world - again

Thursday, June 8, 2006

That smarmy, arrogant jerk! He was my friend!! How could JR be so freakin’ out of control? I’ve been mean, selfish… I’ve raged too. But JR takes his hate, his malice to a level that’s out of the stratosphere. He tried to murder his wife and almost killed me and my son instead! I want him to pay. To suffer. He needs to feel the pain he’s caused me and my family. Oh, sure – he’s sorry all right. Sorry he almost took me out instead of Babe. Guess what – you psycho – not a good enough reason. “Oops, you got in the way” doesn’t excuse almost murder.

My family had to make some horrible, gut-wrenching decisions about saving me or my son. All because of JR the lunatic. Zach used a gun to protect my baby for God’s sake! My mother... And Ryan... choosing to save me over his little boy.  I had no idea the sacrifices people would make for me. Sacrifices no one should ever have to make – all because of JR! He may be going to prison – and he damn well deserves to – but it’s not enough. I’ll never get past this.

My amazing men

Wednesday, June 7, 2006

I touched him! Well, with glove-thingies. But I got to feel my son! Spike’s so small. He has ten itty bitty fingers and ten tiny toes, and is in his own little incubator. But Spike’s okay. He’ll be better than okay. Yeah, he needs some help breathing, living – but he’s going to beat this being so small thing in no time. My son’s got some damn kick ass genes, and if he’s anything like Ryan or me, he’ll have one heck of an appetite. Fragile just isn’t in his DNA.

I introduced the men in my life to each other today. Zach met Spike. Spike met Zach... And Zach and I really are married! Again. It’s not some fantastic, amazing dream I woke up from. It’s real, and it’s permanent. I had to pinch myself just to make sure. I have my son, my health, and Zach to thank for all of it. If I had woken up and my baby had been taken from me too soon, I’d want to die. No one has ever heard me ---- listened to what I say like Zach does. He fought for me with every breath in his body the way he knew I’d want him to. The way I would for him and my son. I love them so much.

Back from the Land of Nod

Tuesday, June 6, 2006

Freaky. Weird. Tired. My head hurts. Groggy. So by now you have all realized I’ve been a little out of touch. Not just with cyberspace, but life in general. I know this is going to sound so grade school, but “I have a really good excuse.” No. I swear I do. Get this: I was in a coma. I know. Even as I type the words it sounds bizarre. I mean, how many people get to say that? Four, ten, I don’t know. Must have been pretty bad because Bianca flew home from Paris ASAP. Even Julia’s being nice to me. Whatever. So what have I missed in the world, people? Here I was, thinking I just woke up from this monster hangover, until I realized – A) I haven’t had a drink in forever, and B) I was lying in a hospital bed. When I signed on to my computer, it hit me – I’ve been out of it for like a month. That’s crazy. I can hardly believe it. I’ve missed dozens of meetings at Fusion, all my fave TV shows’ finales, and my anniversary to Zach (our wedding in Boca Raton). And I gave birth! The doctors performed a C-section, and Spike made it. He’s hanging in there. Thank God! And now it’s time I meet my son! I can’t wait another second!