All My Children: Kendall's Hart To Heart

Thanks a million

Friday, March 31, 2006

Thanks. Simple word. Simple sentiment. Telling Zach – so not simple. He still loves me… God, he had to say that, didn’t he? You ever want something so bad you almost hope you don’t get it? I still love him too. But I can’t forgive him – I’m not ready. Will I ever be? Him, me, an us – puts me right back to emotional overload. All my circuits go haywire and I hurt, love, feel again - the absolute LAST thing I can handle right now. But hearing those words… seeing him say them... it makes me hope, dream. I know. “Just go to him, Kendall.” “You love him, he loves you – make it work.” Not so easy, not easy at all. There’s just so much pain, so much to forgive… and no easy way to get past it. If someone out there knows how, please tell me. And thanks.

Under Pressure

Thursday, March 30, 2006

I need time. Period. I need space. Period. I need my pressure cooker life be… well… just not. The idea of me, Ryan, baby makes three – ya know, Lavery love family style, is so sweet, so perfect. For him!!! I am soooo not there yet. I can’t sign on for mommy duty. Pressure! So I told Ryan to back off; I’m driving this bus. I don’t want one word about booties, babies, decisions, nope, nada, no how until I’m ready. He agreed. It better stay that way!

If Looks Could Kill

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Just seeing Babe is enough to make me hurl. Watching that bubble-headed blonde flit around the office as if she has a clue makes me want to kick her in the shin. But – throwing Amanda in Simone’s face and proposing to make Fusion baby-friendly is going to get that slut killed in a nanosecond. She better watch out, because I will NOT have the one baby-proofed part of my life be invaded by ditzy trash whose life solely revolves around her little rugrat. I wish she’d just take a flying leap…

Sounding Board

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

I couldn’t sleep at ALL last night. Needed to talk things through – lean on someone who’ll listen, not dictate. Bianca’s on vacation with Maggie and Miranda. Simone’s dealing with way too much right now. And JR is always full of opinions. I needed Zach. I still can’t forgive him, but I don’t want him out of my life either. So I went to see him. He makes me focus, made me see I need to reclaim me. I lost my way, myself the past few months. I need to take back what I’ve lost, and to hell with Greg’s, Ryan’s, everyone’s opinions. I’m in charge. Case closed.

Flying Blind

Monday, March 27, 2006

Ever have a hard time trusting yourself? Not me. Other people, sure. But me? I always know exactly what to do, right or wrong. Usually wrong. And maybe I regret it later, but in that moment, I’m totally committed to my decision. Until now. I don’t know what I feel is right. Or who. Bad combo.

Greg’s convinced Ryan needs to possess our son. That his need to own his child is overshadowing what may be best for the baby. Ryan is convinced Greg has his own agenda and is pushing me, us, for reasons unknown. Who’s telling the truth? Who do I trust?

If Greg is so wrapped up with some nefarious agenda, then why is he so kind, so willing to do what I ask? Willing to stop being my doctor. And if Ryan just wants to control his child, why do his eyes tell me differently when he talks about taking his son out to play ball? But is Ryan even a viable option - with his family? Okay, it’s not his “family” as much as Jonathan. Guy creeps me out. The image of his hands stretched out to touch my belly makes me think about guns, caves, bombs. War. And that’s not an environment any baby should be near.

You win some, you lose some

Friday, March 24, 2006

Ryan and I came home and he totally blasted Greg. And, I agree, the Rivingtons being in Greg’s office felt like an ambush. But I don’t think – now – I don’t think Greg meant to manipulate us. Ryan still has his reservations. I get that, to a point. But after all the years Ryan has known me – have I ever been a pushover? Come on! He’s freaked about the baby. So am I!

But if Ryan distrusts Greg this much, maybe I should respect that. I don’t feel like any sort of mother, so maybe it’s time for me to take advice from someone who feels parental.

Fight or flight

Thursday, March 23, 2006

You know when you feel your heart, your stomach, your guts – literally sink to the floor? Shock. Yeah, that’s what it was like when Ryan and I walked into Greg’s office and saw the Rivingtons standing there. Sure, they seem like normal, decent people. Sure, they would love to have a baby, my baby. But helllll no – I was nowhere near ready to deal with that. It floored me.

Was this meeting a good idea? No. But, maybe under normal circumstances it IS. Greg said he’s done this sort of informal setup many times with a great deal of success. I think it’s just us – Ryan and me. This situation. This baby. Nothing about my pregnancy is normal – including my reaction to everything that happens lately. But I just CAN’T make a decision. And that’s making me frustrated and angry and irritable and bitchy. And I want to do the right thing, make the right choice, be the best person – but then someone asks: “What are you going to do?” or “You should do (insert opinion here)” and I can’t breathe. So I fight.

Joyeux Anniversaire

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Bianca just called – my birthday gift for Miranda just arrived. Little Miss M’s birthday is tomorrow, and I got her THE coolest dream doll house ever. It’s this beautiful chateau with a ballroom, a fancy dining room – tons of windows. She’s gonna love it. When I was a kid I had a doll house that was this huge mansion. I would dream about growing up in that lavish estate with stables and a pool and a huge walk-in closet loaded with couture. Made me feel magical. I know that Miranda’s favorite place in the world is right next to her mommy, but sometimes a little fantasy can be a girl’s best friend, too.

A + B = C?

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Zach makes it all sound so simple. He makes life seem so easy sometimes. Which completely freaks me out. This whole time I thought my ambivalence toward this baby meant I didn’t love him. According to Zach that’s not true. I want my baby to have the best, which equals love… again, according to Zach.  Then why don’t I FEEL it?  Why don’t I want this baby with me?  Something’s still off.  But Zach can’t tell me what.  Even I can’t tell me what.

Freefalling

Monday, March 20, 2006

I’ve been up to Fusion’s roof a few times since that awful night. Sure, it’s little scary, but I thought I was over it - past the terrifying view of the city below me. But just before – I don’t know what happened. I just freaked. I don’t know what I would have done if Zach hadn’t saved me; I’d still be up there – my mind spinning, my heart racing and my body just… motionless. But Zach rescued me. Destiny.

At least I thought so, but he blew that theory to bits. He came to see Simone. Not me. So I just got lucky. Damn lucky he was there.

I miss him. His arms. His eyes. His sensibility…

Nature vs. Nurture

Friday, March 17, 2006

Screwed up again. Well, at least it feels that way. Ryan thinks I take whatever Greg tells me as gospel. No one tells me what to do. Least of all Greg. But adoption makes a lot of sense. In a weird, very logical way. I know, I know. Of all people, I’m considering adoption. Fact is, there are tons of kids who are happy to have a loving adoptive family. A family who means more to them than the DNA they were donated. Right??

Ryan is just so anti-Greg, maybe he can’t see that. Or maybe he doesn’t want me to think about it at all. Either way, the Rivingtons sound like a great couple – two people who really want a baby – this baby. Their file is very comprehensive. Tells me everything I could ever want to know, except-- would I be making the right choice if I let them raise my son?

For old time’s sake

Thursday, March 16, 2006

For the first time in what feels like forever - Ryan was, well, the Ryan I loved. The Ryan I adore. Not the Ryan who flew off a cliff or fought like a heavyweight, but the gentle, loving, funny Ryan I shared a life with. And now a baby. Makes me think it would be soooo easy to just go back, be in his arms, with him the way we used to. But there's Zach. Always Zach. I can't forget him, push him aside, out of my heart. Every action, reaction I have, he’s a part of. I know that sounds crazy, but he consumes my thoughts. It’s driving me nuts. I just need an escape hatch. So... I tried to sleep with Ryan. Yeah, I know. "What were you thinking, Kendall?" I just wanted things to be good again, easy. No more pain.

Brainfreeze

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Why can't I picture him? Why can't I wrap my head around what my son's going to look like, sound like, be like? Greenlee envisioned ten toes, ten fingers, his eyes, smile, his humor immediately. Ryan has a home video in his mind of playing catch, fixing this little boy's boo-boo’s, teaching him how to ride a bike, taking him for ice cream. I can't imagine any of it. Total blank. I can't see Mommy and junior hanging out, playing, talking, just being - none of it. I'm so damn jealous Ryan can. I wish I could want to raise this baby with Ryan. It’d be the easy solution. But I just don’t feel I can. Or that I should. I’ve tried and I just can’t get to that Mommy and me place. So…

My scarlet letter

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

I think Greg may be the only person I can truly count on. My family, friends, even people I can’t stand - they all have an opinion, a "suggestion", an offer about this baby. None that I care to listen to, yet they continue to blabber on and on. I'm totally fed up. I don't know what to do with my son. No idea what is best for him. At all. Greg gets that-- understands all my reservations. Maybe he’s right. Maybe adoption isn’t so bad. Maybe it would be the best option…

But... what if my son grows up the way I did with Bill and Alice: Great parents - never the right fit. I don't want that for him. I don't want this little boy to ever crave, dream, fight to find somewhere he feels at home. I still don't feel connected to him, though. So how can he feel at home, at peace, if I don't? What if he feels excluded now? How do I make the right choice - one that won’t mess him up for life?

Take two steps back or you’ll get hit

Monday, March 13, 2006

That bitch!! I was ready to slap the happy right off Julia’s face. First, she needed Zach’s help. “Oh, I’m in witness protection. There’s a killer after me. Save me, Zach.” Now, Nurse Hoolia is just as desperate looking for some twisted 2-for-1 special with Ryan and my son. Is she insane or just clinically jealous of me? Does she actually think she can take my baby? Or better yet, I’d hand him off to her? And Ryan!! Conspiring with Julia behind my back. But, oh, that's right. He didn't mention it because he was "protecting" me. That’s everyone’s favorite excuse when it comes to my life. “Had to protect Kendall.” With all this ‘protection’ going on – how is it my life is still a disaster with no answers in sight?

They say it’s the best medicine

Friday, March 10, 2006

I’m meeting Ryan at BJ’s for breakfast in a few. God, I want a burger. Most pregnant women crave ice cream. Something sweet, then maybe something sour. Whatever. I crave laughter. I need it. I want to feel light even while I stuff my face. And I know Ryan can give me that-- most of the time. He wants to get my mind off of life. And I want to give him that luxury too – even if it’s for a few minutes. He sounded chipper on the phone, but I know him. He’s hurting. Greenlee slapped him in the gut with those damn divorce papers. Now he’s mourning Ethan AND his marriage. I know what that’s like.

Round and round…

Thursday, March 9, 2006 

I’m too freaked out to sleep because even in my dreams I can’t escape death. It follows you, lingers, manifests. Zach says he’s ditching Pine Valley – magnify that in dream world to – He’s gonna leave the land of the living.  I’ll never get to see Ethan again – so in dream world – I see Ethan taunting me about death. Royally screwed up. Realistically surreal. Don’t want to dream.

I’m too hurt to feel, so why do I care? If Zach wants to go shoot himself, what’s it to me? Why should I care? Yeah. I know. I just do. I always will. I don’t want him to leave our courtyard, let alone die. I don’t want to ache anymore. Hell, I don’t want to feel at all. You think David could anesthetize my heart?

And yet, I’m too tired to think. Why can’t Zach make us work? I still love him. He still loves me. Seamless love, right? HA! Still broken. No repair in sight. So what’s left to do?? Go in circles…

Psssst…

Wednesday, March 8, 2006

This baby keeps moving around in there. Like he’s got somewhere to be, something to say. Maybe he does. I do.

Confession time: I’ve been thinking about Ryan. The kiss he laid on me. What do you think that means? I have no clue. I don’t know what to make of my feelings anymore. Maybe I’m just hormonal. Should Ryan and I give it another go? I had the idea in the first place. Zach. Why is he always there. Here. In the equation. In my mind. I’ve got men everywhere – one’s inside me right now. Whoa. He’s kicking like crazy tonight. Probably mad at me for eating too late. Again.. “Hey, kid. Take it easy in there. Okay.” Don’t need another guy beating my insides up.

Exeunt Life

Tuesday, March 7, 2006

I called Simone before; she didn’t pick up. She’s torn up. Shredded. So is Zach. I know he is. I know we all are. I HATE funerals. Everyone does; I know, I know. At least the last one I was at the dead guy showed up. The whole setup of a funeral though: You sit there, say nice things, remember. Console, comfort, cry. As if any of the amazing memories make it all okay. It doesn’t. It sucks.

I sat in the park, watched Simone break, Ryan try to rally, the minister speak and a casket. A box. A stupid compartment. We all reminisced about Ethan-- all the things we love to think about. His humor. Generosity. His face. Accent. His heart. Too hard. Too painful. Raw. So I decided to get mad as hell at him. That’s right, I got angry. So angry I’d be able to close up what feels like this huge open wound. I focused on: The bad times. The times Ethan and I fought like cats and dogs. The times he chose revenge over me. The moment he found out I married his father. I remembered every horrible minute. And you know what I thought? At least he was there. He was there to piss me off. He was there for me to hurt. He was there for me to love. And now he’s just not...

Wrong side up, right side down

Monday, March 6, 2006

Okay. Can we say angry and confused? What is going on?! Zach wants to leave town, run away from me, away from everything. He didn’t even show up to Ethan’s funeral! I’m so mad I could beat down his condo again. That man.... Even after Zach blew the lights out in my life, he’s the one I need to turn them back on. I still love him. Damn. But he won’t give me an inch. He’s broken, I’m broken and nothing can change that. That’s why I needed protection. Safeguard my heart, suppress my impulses. Ryan’s job. I asked, he accepted. And then he kissed me! Bizarre. But not. Familiar, yes. Good, yeah. Safe – NO!! That’s the last thing I need or want. Is it…? What is wrong with me?